Self Discipline

Lately I have been thinking a lot about self discipline, self discipline in regards to money, diet, exercise, and sleep schedule, among other things. Why is it that sometimes it can be so difficult to keep yourself disciplined? We stay up late when we should be getting rest, go out to eat instead of taking time to cook, skip the gym in order to sleep in, spend instead of save. We've all been guilty of it, some more than others, and yes, I'm taking some blame here too.

Our culture in America reinforces the sentiment, "I want it and I want it now." This mindset is a globally-spreading virus. The internet brings all of our desires within reach, fast food restaurants fill our ever-expanding bellies in a matter of minutes, credit cards allow us to buy now with money we don't even have. We gorge ourselves on incessant instant gratification.

Perhaps this is why self discipline can be so difficult. Why wake up now when you can hit snooze a dozen times? Why work for 30 minutes on a healthy, delicious meal when you can belly-up to the trough, um, I mean, buffet? Why scrimp and save and work a second job for that shiny status symbol when you can simply whip out the plastic, enslaving yourself to debt? And why on Earth would you go to the gym several days a week in order to lose weight when you can just go have someone stick a hose in your fat and suck it out of your body? Don't worry, it's normal. It's the American way... right?

I look around and see a bunch of overgrown toddlers throwing temper tantrums when they don't get their way, expecting everyone else to do the work for them, wanting everything to simply be handed to them without having to work for it. Our country is full of spoiled rotten children.

We all went to school with that kid (hell, maybe you were that kid) whose parents bought them a brand new *insert favorite sports car here* as soon as they turned 16. Little Miss Priss or Mr Hot Stuff tore around town in that car they didn't have to work for and what happened? They wrecked it of course (as is the fate of nearly all first cars) and of course mommy and daddy replaced the mangled scrap metal with a shiny new toy immediately, so as not to upset their "poor baby." Well I don't know about you, but in my personal experience, when I wrecked my first $400 clunker I was hitchin a ride until I got a second clunker about a year later.

I understand that parents want to give their children all the things they didn't have but when you simply hand it all over, what message does that send? Answer: You can have anything you want without having to work for it. All that does is set the child up for failure. The "real world" isn't like that at all... or is it?

I'm not trying to be holier-than-thou or say that I don't partake in any of the instant gratifications offered by our society. And sure, I'm guilty of not always having self-discipline, just like everyone else. What I am saying is that we need to take a look in the mirror from time to time. We need to exercise our self discipline and independence instead of simply accepting the fact that we're allowing ourselves (and our country) to become slaves to debt, dependent on others for everything and unappreciative of what we have because we didn't have to work for it.

So as a new year approaches, I ask you, are you going to spend this year exercising your self discipline? Are you willing to put in the hard work to make yourself independent and self-sufficient? Will you deny yourself some of the instant gratifications in order to revel in the pride of having achieved a goal? Whether your goal is related to health, money, career, religion, politics, whatever, you must be willing to have self discipline. If it all seems too overwhelming or too large, start small. Start by not hitting snooze, not eating that chocolate, not buying that toy you really can't afford. Control yourself. After all, you're not a child.

An Unfortunate Event

This is what I woke up to last Saturday morning, 2 days after Thanksgiving...

At 9:20 am, when I was fast asleep in bed I got a text and a call from my neighbor Travis. I finally woke up the 2nd time he called me. Travis told me that he had bad news, that someone had hit my car and driven off. He and his girlfriend were fast asleep when they were woken up by a loud crash that they thought was thunder. By the time they got up and looked out the front window the person who had hit my car was gone...

My Intrepid had been parked in its usual spot on the street across from my house, same place I've been parking for a year without incident. I'm assuming that whoever hit my car must have been drunk, the street is wide enough for three cars to park across it. I'm guessing they had to be going at least 50 mph (speed limit in my neighborhood is 30). My car ended up being pushed further into the street and ended up moving about 25 feet forward.

I don't even know how they were able to drive away from the scene. There was antifreeze all over the ground at the point of impact, behind where my car stopped, and then a trail of it that they left behind them. My Intrepid had a huge trunk, as you can see, it's now gone. There are holes in the gas tank, the tailpipe is in the muffler, some of the wheels are pressed up against the wheel well from being forced forward, none of the electronics work anymore, my car is leaking all sorts of fluids and my back bumper is now sitting on my front porch.

For a while I was just in complete shock...

My first thought was that I have liability only on my car insurance. I've always just had liability only. Luckily I had taken out a loan at my dad's bank and used my car as collateral and had to get full coverage. That loan would've been paid off in a couple months so it's a good thing I hadn't paid it off yet because I would have lowered my coverage. (From now on I'm always getting full coverage.)

I called 911, a cop showed up and I filed a police report. The officer said it looked like a while vehicle had hit me and that he would drive around the area to see if he could find the culprit but could make no promises. I had to work 11-8 that day and was not looking forward to going into work. My stomach was in knots and I just felt sick to my stomach over what had happened.

I gave myself a couple hours to be upset then told myself that I had to buck up and move on. There's no use in being upset over something you can't change, all you can do is figure out what to do next. Plus I have so many friends, family members and coworkers who were there to cheer me up, give me rides to and from work, and bring me food. I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. Things could always be worse and this was just a speed bump, a minor obstacle to maneuver around.

Things can change so suddenly. Life is change. It's all about adapting, making the most out of what comes your way. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for things to turn around. On Sunday during my lunch break I was checking out cars on Craigslist and saw one that I was interested in. The ad said to call Nathan and gave a number. The phone rang a few times then went to voicemail and much to my surprise I was calling a cousin of mine! Nathan told me that someone was going to come look at that particular car but that if I wanted he could take me to the auto auction on Wednesday...

So yesterday I went to the auction and this is now my car, an 03 Volkswagen Jetta! (Her name is Joan Jetta.) ;) I got a killer deal and I absolutely love this car. Thank you to everyone who helped me out during the chaos of everything. I am so blessed to have such kind, caring people who I can count on.

Stay positive and good things will come your way.

Karmic Cleanse

I've spent a lot of time thinking about karma lately... I don't care what religious beliefs you have, it's the same idea as "you reap what you sow," "you get what you give," "what goes around comes around," etc.

I've been meditating for almost 2 years now. I don't always go to guided meditations, sometimes it's as simple as focusing on my breathing to help me relax when I'm stressed at work or when I'm trying to fall asleep. What I've enjoyed the most from my guided mediation classes though would be the teachings about cultivating a spirit of loving kindness.

Have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of person you'd like people to remember you as? You know, things like, "If I were to die tomorrow, what would people have to say about me?" I've thought about it. I mean, my mum and brother both died before I turned 2, the fragility of life has always been something I've had a strong awareness of. So what do I want people to say about me when I'm gone? I want people to say that, above all, Karen was loving, happy and full of life.

"Flight of Freedom" acrylic painting I created in March

No matter how hard we try though, we aren't always loving creatures. Someone cuts us off in traffic, says hurtful things or annoys us and loving kindness goes out the window. I'm sure most of you have seen, or at least heard of the tv show My Name is Earl? I really like it. Earl has a list of people that he believes he has wronged, in turn creating bad karma. In order to create good karma for himself he revisits each person on the list in an attempt to make up for the wrong he's done in the past.

What a great concept! Sincere apology. Making amends. It can be so hard to do, especially when we feel as though we were justified when someone first wronged us. But what good is retaliation, eye for an eye? All it does it cause more suffering in the world.

I know that I have wronged others in the past and that I undoubtedly will do so again at times in the future. No one is perfect. To all who are reading this and all who are on my mind as I write this, if I have ever wronged you or caused you any pain whatsoever, I sincerely apologize. I ask that you please grant me forgiveness. I am imperfect and a work in progress.

I have grown and changed so much in the past 2 years and I attribute a lot of those changes to my meditation practices. I strive to be kind, patient, understanding and positive. I have learned to be mindful and more aware of my body, mind and surroundings. Most of all, I have become more peaceful. Yes, you'll still see me full of energy, bouncing around, singing songs and dancing, but I am more at ease within. I'm not as anxious or uptight as I once was and it feels so liberating! I feel like a bird flying towards the sun, full of light, love and life!

Harnessing My Energy

In certain aspects of my life it feels like I've got my shit together... but in other ways I feel like I'm a hot mess.

How do I have my shit together?
-I've got a good job
-Making money
-Great friends
-Healthy diet
-Good spirituality

How am I a hot mess?
-Men... not enough space here
-Need to get back into a workout routine
-Neglecting my music and art and writing
-House is a mess

Aaaaaand I'm up writing a blog post at 1:35 am. I'm not even really sure what I want to write about tonight. I always try to stay optimistic and positive but I'm tempted to vent tonight...

I work in a music store and I haven't even worked on my own music in months. I haven't painted anything in months. Why am I so uninspired? Is it laziness? Lack of time? Stress?

Maybe I expect too much out of myself. I have this crazy wild spirit that's so full of energy and that energy just pours out and sometimes it's hard to know where to direct it. It's like the churning, swirling rapids of a river rushing to the ocean, no longer wanting to be confined by the land around it, hurtling, tumbling forward, constantly in motion.

Lately I've been directing that energy towards work and tutoring Spanish but I'm the kind of person that can't just pour all my energy into one thing, I have to have all these different outlets. I mean, seriously! Here are things I do: sing, write songs, act (though unfortunately not in years), paint (I need to take an art class), model (and I use that term loosely... you could be a part-time model! if you get that reference, you rock.), yoga, own a dog, travel to different countries, speak Spanish, tutor Spanish, attempt to play guitar, piano or ukulele (though I need to effing practice!), go on dates, meditate, weekly girls' night with the bff, manage like a boss, dance Salsa (wish I could take dance lessons)....

Damn, I'm exhausted just reading that list. No wonder I'm a hot mess. I do so many effing things. Why? Jack of all trades, master of none. Why can't I just focus my energies onto a couple things and get really good at just one or two things? Why do I feel the need to do it all? Hell! I want to get into photography too! And take cooking classes! And read books! And volunteer for non-profits! And get a Bottle Bill passed into the Kansas legislature! And shop for amazing thrift store finds! And become a yoga instructor!

How do I find time for all these things? You can't, can you? But I want to. Why do I want to? It's crazy. I talk about how it would be nice to be in a relationship but honestly if I got a boyfriend the guy would probably only get to see me once a week.

I don't always know which way to turn but I'll just keep trying to find my way to the ocean. One of these days things will calm down but I can always sleep when I'm dead. Might as well enjoy all there is to enjoy in life while I can.

The Difference of a Year

I started this blog one year ago... So much can change in the span of a year.

When I first started writing this blog I was living with the worst roommate I've ever had. I had no place where I could go and relax because things were so tense in that house. I was going to therapy and dealing with depression. My head was still spinning after an emotionally painful experience. My bills, thanks mostly to school loans, exceeded my income. I was a recent grad that felt like a failure and like I had no direction.

So where am I now? I am in a much better place. Yes, I still have doubts and I still sometimes wonder which direction to turn in but my current situation is such a stark contrast to what it was one year ago. I have my own place. I'm in a duplex surrounded by good neighbors in a location that I love. I have no roommate, just my dog, and my dog doesn't care if I leave the dishes until tomorrow. I stopped going to therapy in the earlier part of this year and stopped taking my anti-depressants. I have less anxiety and haven't felt the intense lows of depression for a long time now thanks to meditation.

As far as relationships are concerned, I still haven't been in one since starting this blog. Yeah, I've gone on some dates, spent some time getting to know a few guys, (even wrote a blog about being a bit smitten) but nothing turned into a committed relationship. I've spent more time getting to know myself than getting to know men, which is definitely a good thing.

Change is gradual, it doesn't happen over night, but I've changed so much in this past year... Perhaps it was that the change had already been taking place, somewhere deep down, and it finally came to fruition.

Probably the biggest change is that I no longer think that getting married and having kids is a necessity for my life. Sure, it might happen, and if it does, cool; but I'm not going to feel unfulfilled and devastated if for some reason I'm unable to, or just never have the time to have kids. I'm not going to settle down just because society tells me that being an "old maid" is a sad, lonely existence. Screw biological clocks and the desperate search to find "the one." I'm going to do what I want when I want. If my life fails to mirror the typical, average American, good. I want to be different. I think I'm in a good place... I'm not worried about setting a time limit on life's events, I'm okay with simply accepting things as they come to me.

Aside from that, the biggest difference in my life as compared to what it was a year ago is my financial peace of mind. Since my promotion I've been able to pay my bills without needing my dad's help from time to time and I've been able to start building my savings back up. I've also been able to treat myself to occasional shopping trips! :)

I'm always amazed at the difference a year can make, I can't wait to see where I'll be this time next year. Perhaps I'll be working a different job, maybe living in a different city, in a relationship? Still single? Performing on stage again and more physically fit hopefully! Either way, I'm sure I'll be happy and I'll take joy in the growth brought by another year.

Just One of Those Days

Well, it's past 3 a.m. so yes, I've had a little bit to drink and I'm getting ready for bed...

Today was just one of those days. It had its moments. Some moments were not so bad, some were even good, but other moments were just frustrating...

I really don't want to talk about it in detail...

All I will say is that... Those moments happen. And then they're gone. Earlier today someone asked me, "How are you?" and I responded with, "Better, now." :) "Now?" they asked. "Yeah, earlier I wasn't so good. But that moment is over and now is better."

Optimism... sometimes it's hard to come by. Sometimes it's hard to just smile through the bullshit, frustrations, emotions, whatever... But what else are you going to do? If you sit there and dwell on it, that's all you've got; the bullshit, frustrations, emotions, blah blah blah... And I'm stronger than that.

People will do what they will and you have no control over other people. What you do have control over is how you react to those people.

The calm, meditative me would say that I'm just grasping; I'm clinging onto emotions and desires instead of simply accepting what is. Acceptance... why is it so hard for humans to do this? Why do we find it so difficult to accept others, accept what is different, what opposes our opinions, and even stranger yet, why is it so hard for us to accept ourselves?

No one is perfect so why do we hold people to perfect standards, including ourselves?

Everyone is doing the best that they can; if they could do better, they would.

Today was one of those days and tomorrow will be a different day. Either way, the world keeps spinning round and all we can do is enjoy the ride.

Day 1: GO BIG OR GO HOME!

In August I was going to lose weight by slowly cutting certain things out of my diet. Didn't work. I cheated a little here, a little there, then before I knew it I was back to bad eating habits. It's time to go big or go home.

I am starting a cleanse. For the rest of this month my diet will consist of fruits and vegetables, eggs and nuts.

I've also decided that this will be the first step in slowly becoming vegetarian. This is a personal choice that I'd like you to simply accept and support. I don't want to hear people saying, "But you NEED meat in your diet." Oh really? Do you know how many vegetarians and vegans live healthy lives without it? I know plenty. There are foods you can substitute for meat in order to get all the proper nutrients you need for a healthy diet. It's nothing against meat-eaters, it's just a choice that I'm making for myself. I won't argue with you about what you choose to eat so please don't argue with me about what I choose to not eat. Thanks.

Last night I was contemplating why I had let myself fail on my quest to lose weight again in August... I've set out... twice (?) now to do so and my plans always get derailed. I could sprout out multiple excuses but really I need to fully commit myself and make it a priority. I need to give myself a goal and then break it down into smaller goals.

I need to make myself a priority. I need to invest in myself and my happiness. I need to schedule time to practice my guitar every day. I need to start meditating again. I need to give myself a bed time, get up earlier and not miss a day of taking Sophie for a walk in the morning. I've been stressed out at work but it's because I haven't been giving myself as much of the things I need to feel refreshed.

So here we go! I'm making this official. I got some Chinese food yesterday and my fortune cookie said, "Speak less of your plans - you will get more of them done." I'm sure my wise cookie has a point, but I'm going to declare this to hold myself accountable, and I hope you'll help me be accountable too. I'm going to need help from my friends. I'm going to need you to not tempt me. I'm going to need you to respect my decisions. And I'm going to need you to cheer me on!

DAY 1! LET'S DO THIS!!!

Outward Symbols of Internal Scars

Three and a half years ago I got my first tattoo. I had been planning on getting one for over 6 months and I finally got the money and courage to go for it. I ended up going into a tattoo shop on a Saturday since that was their day for walk-ins. It just so happened that the day I got my tattoo was my sister's birthday.

1st tattoo, by Dennis at Artist at Large

About two years ago I decided I wanted to get another one, something for my mum. I had planned to get it while I was visiting her family in Australia but it was a lot more expensive over there than in the U.S. so I waited. I got back to the states in February and started saving my money again. In April of last year I had the money and got my 2nd tattoo on my "little sister's" birthday, 2 days before my dad's birthday.

2nd tattoo, by Tom at Undisputed

I'm not sure how long I've been planning my 3rd tattoo... it's been at least 6 months. I never had the money so I waited. About a month and a half ago I got a promotion and my first thought was that I'd have the money for the tattoo I've been wanting. I happened to have a conversation with a friend who is a tattoo artist and decided I'd get it within a couple weeks... I got my 3rd tattoo yesterday, the day that would have been my mum's 60th birthday had she not died when I was a baby.

My mum, Richard-4, me-a little over a year, and Loralie-7

It's kind of cool that I've ended up getting each tattoo on a family member's birthday. I never really fully planned it, it's just kind of worked out that way, like it was meant to be. It makes the experience even more special.

I had told my friend Kevin at Hell Bomb that I wanted a tree with the roots spreading down around my ankle and a little bird flying away from it. I've always loved trees and birds. My therapist told me that the two are symbolically contradictory, that trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom and wandering. To me the two were perfectly complimentary. The tree is my stability, my safe place where I build my nest and go when the storms are raging, but I am a free-spirited bird that likes to fly away and wander around looking for adventure.

I also wanted the tattoo on my ankle because the ankles are your roots, the tree in a way represents my family tree, but also the tree of life. I've been fascinated with the idea of the tree of life since studying in Guatemala and exploring the Mayan pyramids of Tikal. In the forest surrounding the pyramids there are these huge, towering trees with the roots jutting up above the ground, sometimes the roots alone are up to 10 feet high. The Mayans called these the tree of life because they believed that the roots were the underworld coming up into our world and that the branches of the tree held up the sky. How beautiful.

Guatemala's National Tree, Mayan Tree of Life

I took a few pictures of trees that I liked to Kevin and told him that I wanted to see what he could come up with. When I went in for my appointment yesterday he showed me what he had designed and it was absolutely perfect. It's the first time that I've gotten a tattoo and been happy with the design right away, it didn't need any modification whatsoever. At first I had planned to just have one bird flying away from the tree but Kevin had drawn two birds... I instantly saw them as my mum and my brother who both died in 1987. I would say that this tattoo is everything I wanted, but it's more.

Kevin Wathke at Hell Bomb Tattoo, Wichita, KS

Right after I took the bandage off of my tattoo yesterday I promptly posted a picture to Facebook. I got a lot of comments but the one that stood out to me was, "I trust this is a very healing experience for you. The design is very clever, meaningful, and artful."


Here was my response: "Valerie, you nailed it on the head. Not many people think of it that way, but you're right. The last tattoo I got was also partially for my mum... Both times were like a meditation. I made myself embrace the pain, to simply feel it and react to it minimally because the pain that I experienced while getting my tattoos is nothing compared to the pain of loosing them... The pain of a needle creating art on my body is simply a collection of impulses being sent to my brain. The emotional pain, on the other hand, is something that I always carry with me. It's that pain that has made me stronger and has made me who I am today. For me, getting my last 2 tattoos wasn't simply about decoration and self expression like the first one; they're outward symbols of internal scars. Scars are a mark left by the healing of injured tissue, and when it heals that tissue is tougher. The same is true with the heart."

God I love this tattoo!

Lucky Me

Today was a long, stressful day at work. I wasn't feeling well and we were missing an employee. By the time I got home 8 hours later I was completely exhausted and my shoulders were in knots. Lucky for me, I was about to be well taken care of... Let me tell you why I'm such a lucky lady.

"Put your feet up and relax. Here's a pillow, want the remote? Unwind a bit, you deserve it."

Why, thank you! I propped my feet up, cuddled with the pillow and watched one of my favorite tv shows without interruption. After my show was over a bath was prepared. Wow! 10 candles lit up my bathroom and began to scent the darkened room with soothing vanilla and warm, rich red cherry. A few drops of lavender oil had also been put into the bath and my laptop was softly playing my Bon Iver Pandora station. Mmmmmm! All that was missing was a glass of wine.

I laid in the hot bath for nearly 30 minutes, letting the stress of the day melt away while beautiful music caressed my ears. The knots in my shoulders slowly began to unwind and loosen. I felt truly pampered.

When I got out of the bath I dried off, slipped into my pajamas and went into the living room. My legs, arms and neck were massaged with lotion and I was so grateful to have such a wonderfully relaxing evening.

By now you're probably wondering, "Who is this that's pampering Karen and treating her like a queen? Who is it that's so thoughtful and giving?" You really want to know, don't you? You're on the edge of your seat dying to know all the details, aren't you?

It's me. :) I'm so good to myself, aren't I? haha I'm so good at knowing when I just need to relax and I'm great at meeting my needs. It's like I can read my mind... ;)

No, I don't have a man. But who needs one when I treat myself so well?? HAHA! Sorry, I couldn't help myself, I really had fun leading you down that rabbit hole.

Blah.

Do you ever feel like you're searching for something but you have no idea what it is? You feel like something's missing but can't put your finger on it?

I'm getting restless... AGAIN. This seems to be happening more and more often. Usually I enjoy my job and working on my music and art but sometimes I'm still left feeling like something's missing... I'm still not sure what I want to be doing with my life and where I should be living. Sometimes I'm happy and content but other days I just want to jump out of my skin and disappear.

I was talking to a friend tonight who recently graduated and she was expressing the same distress that I've felt at different times over the past 2 years since I graduated; there are limitless possibilities in front of me, which is exciting and frightening at the same time. Sometimes all the options can be overwhelming and you wish someone else would just decide for you. Someone tell me which city would best suit me! Where can I live that has a temperate climate, great public transportation, city life with lots of live entertainment and access to the great outdoors so I can go hiking???

As far as my art and music are concerned, I feel like I'm in a giant rut right now. I can't sit down and write lyrics worth a shit, I'm so uninspired. I start working on an art piece and get frustrated and stop. I consider going out but I'm just tired of the same old scene. I'm tired of my short hair and I just want it to grow back out. I feel so... listless. Being an adult sucks.

Autopilot

I am so unorganized right now. My life has been pretty chaotic the past month. Right after getting promoted at work we had several people leave and one take a leave of absence. We've been so focused on covering each department that it's been tough to accomplish all the things that need to to be done. Every day when I go to work I have a list of things I want to get done that day... and I never finish the entire list. I have to simply prioritize and just get done what needs to be done first.

Then there's my free time. I'm so mentally drained by the time I get home that I just want to veg out and do nothing. My house is so unorganized. My art hasn't been touched much lately. My lyric book has been largely unopened... until last night.

My band Moulin Roulette has been on hold for about a month or more now since our drummer quit. Last night we worked with a new drummer. Success. We started 2 new songs. I need to get some momentum going and just keep riding it.

Do you ever feel like just tossing everything out the window and starting from scratch? I feel a bit like that right now. Just empty my closet of the vast majority of my clothes and hit the thrift stores. Clear out my fridge and give away most of the food then grow my own. Sometimes I want to do that to my cell phone too. Delete a metric f ton of numbers. Save the numbers of the people who call me and screw the rest.

I just want to clear out the clutter. Cut out the excess. Hit refresh.

I'm in an interesting mood today... I can't even quite put a name to it. I'm not unhappy or happy. I just am. In a way I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing yet at the same time I'm okay with it. I'm just going with the flow. Letting things happen as they will. Allowing the universe to place me where I should be. I kind of feel like I'm on autopilot. There's not much emotion right now honestly. And I'm okay with it. And when it gets to the point when I'm not okay with something, I'll change what I'm doing, redirect my course.

Getting Back on the Bike

Nearly 3 months ago I wrote a blog titled "Early Bird." I was so excited about my new routine of waking up early, exercising, eating right, etc, etc. Honestly it didn't last longer than a month.

Life got busy as my art started receiving more attention and I began planning art shows. Next thing I knew I was being promoted at work. I had to start working a different schedule and familiarizing myself with my new responsibilities. Somewhere along the line I allowed myself to get so swept up in being busy that I let my routine fall to the wayside. I fell off the bike.

While at GCU I gained a couple pounds. The food was good, the beer was abundant and I indulged. I weighed myself the morning after I got home. 139.2 lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and hopefully the heaviest I will ever be. Several years ago I was consistently at 117. That's 22 pounds in... probably 4 years. Roughly 5-6 pounds a year. Unacceptable.

This isn't just about numbers. I know there's no magic number that equates beauty, I'm not swept up in negative self-talk or anything, I just know that I don't feel good. I don't feel healthy anymore. The reason I was so excited when I wrote the blog "Early Bird" was because I felt good. It felt good knowing that I was being productive in the early morning. It felt good cooking food that was both delicious and good for me. It felt good having aching muscles after a great workout.

Last night I was contemplating all these things. At first I thought, "Well that was a failure!" No, saying it's a failure means I accept defeat. I immediately put that word out of my mind and instead I thought, "I need to get back into my routine." Sometimes we may falter, stumble and fall, but we simply need to get back on the bike (literally in this case)!

Instead of going out and partying last night, I went to bed before 9:30. I woke up at 6 a.m. and took Sophie out for a run, took a shower and cooked some eggs for breakfast. I am rededicating myself. Yes, life is busy, but it will always be busy and I'm not willing to sacrifice my health, happiness and peace of mind. My goal is to work out every day in August (even if it's just for 10 minutes). I will start a cleanse and change my diet. NO MORE FAST FOOD!!! And no more alcohol until I've lost 10 pounds. Even after I've gotten back down below 130 the alcohol consumption will be significantly less. It's just empty calories. Plus, whenever I drink I end up eating more (gotta soak up that booze!), not to mention how much hangovers suck. lol

I'm going to plan things out more, schedule in the important things like exercise, cooking, recycling and meditating. I need to re-balance my life. It's time I get back on the bike.

Energetically Exhausted

Does this make sense? I'm so amped up that I'm exhausted.

Guitar Center sent me to Denver this week for training. For those of you who don't know, I was recently promoted to the position of Sales and Training Manager. About 20 STMs (and a couple Assistant Managers) from the region attended GCU (Guitar Center University). We learned a lot about various products, company goals and leadership.

What an awesome week! GCU totally inspired me. I'm more proud to work for the company than ever before. There is so much room for improvement in my store (even though my team already totally rocks!) and it's hard to know where to begin. I met so many really awesome people that help to make this company amazing and we had such a blast! I must say though, I wish I could just sleep for the next 2 days. Being at that super high energy level for 4 days has kind of taken it out of me! haha!

Tomorrow evening (though I'll be posting this after midnight so technically it'll be this evening) I'll be having my 2nd art show. I'm so excited! (and, again, yeah, exhausted.) Come see me at Three Pea Interiors on 2nd and Hydraulic from 5-9 and if you can't make it tomorrow (today) my art will be in the store all month so stop by and check it out! And let me know if you want to buy a piece! Oh, and I totally need help naming this one... any suggestions?

 

 

For some reason it makes me think of the ocean... Hmmm...

Well my friends, I need to get the heck into this bed of mine (though it's not nearly as comfy as the amazing bed at Staybridge Suites). I hope I can see some of you at my art show tomorrow! Also, I hope you all love your jobs as much as I love mine! G'nite!

Post Ladies' Night

Tonight was ladies' night. During ladies' night there are a few topics that inevitably come up, men, weight and fashion. We discuss the men in our lives (or lack there of in my case), the good, the bad, the confusing and everything in between. Someone brings up gaining weight or losing weight, someone mentions how jealous they are of someone's flat stomach (yep, I'm guilty of that one). Lastly, we compliment the outfits/accessories we like. "Where did you get those shoes? They cost HOW much? Wow! What a deal! I love that dress, that necklace, etc..."

I love the nights I have with just my girls. At least I don't have to worry about impressing some man and wondering what he thinks of me, the potential we have, blah blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaahhhhhhh... *yawn*

I wish women were more confident and secure though. I have some of the most beautiful friends and what's crazy is that not all of them realize just how drop dead gorgeous they are! I hate that women in our society have so many negative body images. Why is there so much pressure to have a super flat stomach? HOW MANY GUYS HAVE A FLAT STOMACH?! SERIOUSLY!!! Beer belly. Does it turn you off? Have you ever made out with a guy that has a beer belly? Sure. So why does it matter if you have a tiny bit of a belly too? Why do we have to be so perfect? No one is perfect. Bodies change. 

Internal beauty is eternal.

Now I digress... I hate texting. Yes, we all do it (including me), yes sometimes it's quick and easy but I don't like having entire conversations via text. You can't always appropriately convey/interpret emotion unless you hear the inflection in someone's voice or see their non-verbal communication. Seriously, talk face to face, especially when it's something important!!!!!!

Life is too short. Earlier this week a regular customer at Guitar Center had a heart attack and died. We saw him in the store ALL the time! Yeah, we all knew he had health problems, but he's actually dead. We'll never see him in the store again. That's heavy... Whatever it is that you're feeling, SAY IT! AND SAY IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!! If you like someone, say it!!!! If you want a raise, want respect, want to escape, just say it. Be true to yourself and speak up. We have language for a reason and we have ears in order to hear. If you want your message to be known, let it be heard. Don't hide behind an impersonal text message, don't be a coward.

Speaking of which, to all the men out there: WOMEN LIKE MEN TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! ******REMEMBER THIS******* C'mon guys, have some balls. Take the bull by the horns. Man up. *insert whatever other cliche fits here*

What has happened to us since the invention of the internet, texting and social media? We avoid face to face interaction because we're able to separate ourselves through a screen... rejection is less personal... but acceptance is often times less personal as well. Take out the middle "man." Remove the screen in between and talk, experience the human race face to face!! Don't take what I'm saying the wrong way. Yes, technology has taken us forward in a lot of ways. Yes, because of technology we can quickly communicate across the globe. All I'm saying is that sometimes we need to put down the phone, get off the internet and simply drive across town and have some face time.

My Motto

"I am here to live out loud." -Emile Zola

When my friend Greg and I were walking around Hutch for the Third Thursday Artwalk a couple days ago, we saw this quote and he said it made him think of me. :) I laughed and said, "I agree. I think that's my motto."

I live out loud. I think I've always been this way. I recently said that one of the best ways to describe my personality is joie de vivre. I try to always be joyful and full of life. We don't get much time on this earth so we might as well enjoy it while we can.

And that's what I do. I enjoy myself. Yes, sometimes I go a little crazy, I push boundaries, I make mistakes but when I'm dying I know I'll be able to look back on everything, smile, and think to myself, "yeah, that was fun." I hope that everyone reading this now will be able to do the same. Are you enjoying yourself and really living life to the fullest or are you simply going through the motions without truly experiencing all that life has to offer?

The other half of the coin is to give yourself time to just be. Be still, be silent, bask in the sun's warmth, listen to the breeze, calm your heart. While living out loud sometimes it's necessary to balance it out with silence... and sometimes your silence can speak volumes and the quiet can be deafening. The past few weeks have felt like a dizzying sprint and for the rest of today and tomorrow I'm going to give myself the gift of calm stillness. I'm going to recharge my mind and soul. And once I am restored I can continue to live out loud, just as I was made to do, being who I was meant to be. I am no wilting wall-flower, I am not the type to fade into the background. I am who I am, love me for what I am because you'll never be able to change me, I'm too strong-willed to let someone mold me into something I'm not. I am here to live out loud.

Love My Life

We all have those times when life's got us down, nothing's going right and things just plain suck.

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES!!! :) After all, the title of this blog is LOVE my life! hehe

Life is wonderful, everything's goin great and things just plain ROCK! I've been so crazy busy lately with multiple projects and it's all so fulfilling. THIS IS A GREAT WEEK! Yesterday my new band Moulin Roulette began recording our EP (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), tomorrow I will find out how my career is going to advance (I'll keep you posted so stay tuned), Thursday will be my first art show and Saturday I'm singing for a friend's wedding. :)

So let's talk about the music first. WOW! I started Moulin Roulette with Sam Smith, Josh Turner and Jarrod Tiede just about... 2 months ago? We have 4 really solid songs and several others in the works. We'll probably have our 4 track EP ready to sell by the time we have our first gig this summer! I was so amazed when we were recording yesterday. I mean, yeah, we definitely hit some speed bumps and had to work out some bugs and we were all sweating in that basement studio and were tired by the end, but I was blown away when I heard my songs coming to life!!! MY SONGS!!! I'm no longer singing words written by somebody else, melodies created in some stranger's head, these are MY babies!! And I've had these talented musicians help me bring them to life. They've claimed these songs as their own too. The guys have taken the stories and imagery that I created with my lyrics and melodies and given them backbone, body and breath. And when I sing.... Mmmmm! It's all heart, baby!! GOD! IT FEEL SSOOOO GOOD!!! I can't wait for all of you to hear it!

Art. Why haven't I done this sooner? I just started painting in December. And I'm good. I mean, I'm no professional, but I'm good enough for people to want to buy my art and ask me to do a showing. What's more is that I LOVE IT!! I love just sitting down and letting my instincts take over, my hands move between paint and brush and my subconscious spills out onto the paper. It's such a freeing feeling. Granted, there are times when my art is premeditated but it's so therapeutic to just let out whatever it is that's under the surface, waiting to make its self known. It's beautiful. I'm so excited for my show on Thursday! Come to Hutch's Sleep Shoppe on Main St this Thursday the 16th, 5-9pm to see my work!

There are so many reasons for me to love my life. These are two big ones right now and I know I'll have more to report soon. I have been blessed with a life surrounded by beauty, amazing friends, and the freedom to explore my talents and passions. I am truly happy. Thank you God for the life you have given me. And thank you to those who are a part of my life, who add to and share in my happiness. I love my life. :)

This Woman Has a Life

Yes, I'm beginning to write this blog at nearly 3 am... Yes, I've had a little bit to drink..

I don't understand the opposite sex. Just so you know. I don't. Do you? Does anyone? I get hit on at a bar, I get a friend request, I get a text message, I get mixed signals, I get confused, I loose interest. Good God. How does a woman keep up? I just do my own thing really. That's how I deal with it all... I do my own thing and if someone fits in to what I do, cool. If not, adios.

I'm not one of those women who drops everything for a guy. I'm not one of those women who sits around and waits. Nope. I've got better things to do. I'm a woman who has a life.

What do I want in a guy? I want someone with confidence, passion, direction, maturity and communication skills. It's that simple. Why is that so confusing for so many guys? Hmmm...

Most men seem to generalize. They think all women are the same. Wow. They couldn't be more wrong when it comes to me. I'm not a generic store brand, I'm not a replica, a similar copy of those before me. I'm unique. I'm genuine. I'm actually quite easy to figure out, just talk to me and I'll tell you. But don't think for a minute that just because it's easy to get to know me that I'm easy to win over. No no no. How wrong you are my dear. I'm picky as hell... Seriously though, just show me the real you. Show me genuine, show me intellect, show me spontaneity. And if you don't have that in you... Maybe it's just not meant to be... And if it's not meant to be, don't fret it, just move on, no hard feelings.

As my friend Bri said, "I am far too busy being an amazing, beautiful, and accomplished woman to cry about you and your nonsense. Seriously."

Sincerely,
a strong, confident and self-assured woman

The Restlessnes

Sitting in silence, surrounded by art
Contemplating lyrics, listening to my heart
Summoning inspiration, searching for a muse
Such little time to get done what I want to do

It's here. The restlessness is returning once again. Last year it hit in March... The restlessness. It creeps up on me and takes hold, drives me wild, makes me want to jump out of my skin... in a good way. I breathe in life and energy and can't sit still, can't sleep. I crave creation, making memories, doing something crazy, pushing the limits, just enjoying life and all it has to offer. The restlessness is my love, my driving force, my infectious spirit and happiness. I'm a wild child, free spirit, moving at the speed of light, changing, recreating myself, reshaping ideas, growing as if my legs were plunging into the earth, taking root, and my hair and arms were shooting out like branches, holding up the sky.

Where will the restlessness take me this year? What new things will I discover, what adventures will I have? Have you ever embraced the restlessness and let it take you for a ride? Do it. Feel your soul come to life. Free yourself to endless possibilities. Take hold of the mania and harness it, feed off of it.

Yeah, welcome back, restlessness. You make me wild and I love it.

Early Bird

If you had asked any of my family or close friends if I'm a morning person they would have laughed in your face. I used to set three alarms every morning and would STILL hit snooze. I've always been a night owl, staying up late and sleeping in as long as I could... until recently.

I am sooo happy with my new routine!! At least several times a week now I'm out of bed sometime during the 4:00 hour and at the gym around 5am. I go to a group fitness class for an hour and it starts my day off great!! After that I usually make a stop at the grocery store and get some fresh fruit and veggies then go home to make breakfast. Once I've eaten, Sophie and I go out for an early morning walk as the city begins to wake up. I typically go to work around 10, sometimes as late as 3 so I have plenty of time to accomplish tasks after walking the dog; doing the dishes, laundry, yard work, paying bills, preparing delicious lunches... and all before I even get to work!

Photo by Ellie Simmons

I woke up at 4:15 yesterday and was awake for just over 19 hours. I have SO much more energy when I start my day off with exercise and by the time my head hits the pillow I sleep so deep and sound. I start my day feeling more confident, healthy, and productive. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... I actually LOVE being an early bird! I get so much enjoyment from knowing that I can accomplish more before 10am than some people do all day. When I would sleep in I felt as though I was wasting so many hours and I wasn't getting done nearly all the things I had to do.


Besides changing my sleeping and exercise habits, I've also changed my eating habits a lot lately too. I have multiple friends who are vegan and I've learned a lot about alternative diet options. Now before you go and start thinking, "Oh my gosh! Karen's going vegan," hold your horses! I don't think I could stop eating delicious steaks, seafood or chicken. Yet while I haven't stopped eating it altogether, I have greatly reduced the amount of meat that I eat. I've also started drinking either soy, almond or rice milk and I use vegan butter. My diet consists of so many more fruits and vegetables than it did in the past and I eat organic when I can. I've also started recycling... "Okay, so Karen's not a vegan, she's just a hippie." ...Pretty much. :)


So when you see me at 10 am and I seem even more chipper than usual, no, it's not just the effects of caffeinated coffee, it's just pure, simple joy. I feel peaceful and energetic at the same time. I FEEL GREAT. I've only been hitting the gym regularly for a little while now, but it's safe to say I'm addicted. I'm addicted to feeling healthy and happy.

Optimism

I'm sitting at home with nothing to do so I decided I should write something, though I really have no idea what I should write about... My last blog was so joyous and momentous, I feel as though whatever I write now will simply fall short. Granted, not all times in life are huge and life-changing.

Perhaps I should talk about the little every-day things...

I love sleeping in my giant queen-sized bed with my pint-sized pup. I love cooking, smelling the mingling aromas and hearing the bubbles in boiling water and the sizzle of veggies as they saute. I love when I walk into work and I'm greeted with lots of smiles and high fives (my team is awesome). Then, when I come home I'm greeted by an energetic dog, eager to kiss me to death. I love letting loose in the middle of the week with my friends at the Wednesday night dance party and dancing the night away. I love getting calls from friends, whether it's a deep conversation or just a bunch of silliness. I love sitting up in bed reading a good book before I fall asleep.

Life is good.

Why is it that we sometimes have to remind ourselves of this? Why does the bad stick out like a sore thumb, pushing the good to the background? Is it anxiety, fear, stress? If you're feeling down, take inventory, count your blessings. I see so many people who spread negativity like cancer. They force a dark cloud over their mind, refusing to let the sunshine break through. Why? Why torture yourself and in the process torture others?

Life is too short to not be happy, and it's too long to be miserable.

Following My Dreams... Finally

I am happy to inform you that I have chosen a direction. I can now raise my sails and let the wind carry me to my destination. I feel so much lighter, free.

Photo taken by Hannah Erickson, edited by me

It's been a bit stressful getting to this point though. The past couple weeks have been pretty intense. I've been thinking for a while that I was going to quit working at Guitar Center and begin my career. I revamped my resume, I went to a Career Fair, I had a couple job interviews. But right before my last interview another door flew wide open...

I was working at Guitar Center on Saturday, April 2nd when the singer for Gooding (check out the band at http://www.goodingmusic.com/) came into the store with his friend Cassie Leigh from OKC. Long story short, Cassie and I quickly became friends that night at Gooding's concert at Rock Island Live. The following Tuesday Cassie texted me asking me to co-write a song with her... Later that evening while we were talking on the phone we decided to just go all out and start a band together. And so began the birth of our band, PayPer Doll.

Right from the get go Cassie and I started talking big, after all, we kind of had to if we plan to start doing gigs this summer. If we want to start gigging in June that means we only have 2 months to put together a 30 minute set list (about 6-8 songs). Plus, in order to make good money at gigs you need merch; CDs, shirts, etc. We immediately decided that we would make an EP (CD with 4-6 tracks). We knew we would have to make some quick decisions. Amazingly, all the pieces of the puzzle just started falling together perfectly. My friend Lindsey Bass had posted the picture below on Facebook several months ago. As soon as I saw it I thought it would be a great name for a girl band. When I suggested the name to Cassie she agreed that it was perfect, especially given the meaning behind it.

Designed by Lindsey Bass

Lindsey had told me that she came up with the idea accidentally but the more she looked at it the more she loved it. To her it represented the price of society's view of beauty. So many people get plastic surgery or struggle with eating disorders in order to be "beautiful" and they pay for that beauty with their health. To me and Cassie it also represented the idea of breaking away from the mold and being comfortable in your own skin, your own beauty, being a strong, confident woman. We then decided that the name of our EP will be "Brutal and Beautiful." Sometimes you just have to be brutally honest, especially with yourself. You need to stop and think about how you talk to yourself. And if you aren't telling yourself you're beautiful, you need to start. The brutal and beautiful woman will not compromise herself, her values, beliefs or needs. She is strong and will not waste her time on something that doesn't make her happy.

Wow. Just look at how much I can sit here and talk about this band... I sat at home one night last week thinking about this... I had been interviewed for a great job and I wasn't even thinking about it; all I could think about was the music, my passion and my dreams...

I struggled. For about 2 weeks. I struggled so much internally. I've always been the dreamer, I follow my emotions. People have sometimes told me that I need to be more practical, more logical and I was trying very hard to balance these two sides. I was on the phone with my friend Sonja and I said, "I need you to tell me to either follow my dreams or to be practical." Unfortunately only I can make that decision and I was so afraid I would make the wrong decision... Take a good paying job with stability or go with the unknown as I follow my dreams... I started to doubt myself. I started wondering if I was really good enough. I started to fear the possibility of failure...

Then one day I made my decision. I wasn't going to let fear hold me back. I refused to let doubt spread like a cancer throughout my mind. One word made all the difference, sacrifice. My friend Jarae wrote a note about being a dreamer and the word that caught my attention was sacrifice. We must make sacrifices in order to pursue our passions. I just had to ask myself what I was willing to sacrifice. Which path would I regret NOT taking?

And my answer was right in front of me. Music. I cannot, will not, must not sacrifice my music. Music is so much a part of who I am. It comes from my heart, my soul. It brings me to life.

So my decision is to stay at Guitar Center for now. It gives me the flexibility I need to pursue my music. Things are happening so incredibly fast for PayPer Doll. We spent this entire weekend working on music. We already have our track list put together for the EP. Two songs are very nearly done, the other 4 are started and just need more lyrics. Cassie and I work so well together, it's simply amazing. We accomplished far more than either of us expected over the weekend.

Photo by Desi Conner

I'm so deliriously, incredibly, indescribably excited/eager/overjoyed! Big things are going to happen, I can feel it. I am so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive friends and family. I know some people may want to tell me to be more practical, but them holding their tongues and simply finding joy in my happiness is the greatest gift. This is my one and only life. I am going to live it how I want.

The most important thing is that we live before we're dead.

Thank you to everyone for your support and for sharing in my joy. :) I love you.

Men and Dogs: Part 2

Just over 2 months ago I wrote a blog "Men and Dogs" stating that I don't need a man, just a cuddle puppy to be my companion. Coincidentally, just a couple days after posting that I was asked out on a date by a friend. Then a month later I got my dog Sophie. I spent some time seeing that guy and recently decided we're simply destined for friendship. Which is great, he's a really nice guy and fun to be around and we've got lots of mutual friends. And as I mentioned in that previous post I don't need a man, it's just nice to have someone sometimes.

And now my someone is Sophie. One of my friends had commented on "Men and Dogs" saying that dogs aren't always all they're cracked up to be. Basically, his point was that dogs, while great, are no substitute for a romantic relationship. I understand his point, but the point I was trying to make is, yeah, I'd love to find a great relationship some day, but I'm in no hurry and, for now, my little dog will suffice. (Not to mention all the wonderful friends I've been blessed with.)

I really love this little dog. :) She is such a wonderful companion. Yes, there are times when she has a bit more energy than I'm in the mood for and she's super alert, making sure I'm aware of any potential dangers, even if it's in the middle of the night, but for each tiny annoyance she may cause me she more than makes up for it. I love that she's always excited to see me and shower me with kisses. I love that she cuddles up behind my legs when it's time for bed. She's so friendly to everyone she meets and she's oh so precious. She doesn't shed or slobber and she listens pretty well (for the most part).

Out for a drive with the windows down (right before she kissed me)

Today Sophie and I are taking full advantage of the beautiful weather. It's so warm and windy and all the trees on my street are in full blossom. As soon as I walk out my front door I'm greeted with the sweet scent of the white flowers on the tree in my front yard. I bet Sophie loves the smell too. This morning we went for a drive with the windows down then went for a walk around the neighborhood. Soon we'll be going to my friend Sonja's house so Sophie can meet her poodle Jordi and we might go to my sister's tonight too where Sophie will meet Lilly the boxer.

So for now it's just me and Miss Sophie. True, cuddling with her isn't the same as being held by a man but I'm content with things as they are.

My BFF

Me and Shiyrah celebrating my 24th birthday in 2010

I have the best best friend in the whole wide world (wuh-uhld). Seriously. Now I know what you're thinking, "I don't know Karen, my best friend is pretty awesome..." Nope. I win. You're welcome.

Shiyrah and I just celebrated our 11th frienniversary on March 13th. Frienniversary you say? I did say! Frienniversary is the best dang portmanteau I've come up with! Btw, I need to copyright that word! How do I do that? Copyright a word? "HEY EVERYBODY! I'M COPYRIGHTING THIS WORD! I COINED IT! MADE IT UP!" Good enough? Eh. Sure. Anyway, I digress. The word I made up is simple enough to understand (I should hope) but in case any of you need a little help, frienniversary = friendship anniversary. YAY!

Those of you who know me well enough know that last year on our 10th frienniversary we exchanged rings. Cheesy, sure. Again, I like cheese. Seriously though, it's a big deal. Not many girls can say that they've been best friends with the same girl since they were 14. (Granted some are lucky enough to have the same best friend for even longer.)

Shiyrah and I are so close though, I don't know if the term "best friend" is enough to describe it. We've been through hell together and helped each other out when we were stuck in our own personal hells at different times. We've been through breakups, ex fiances, new adventures, truck loads of tears, countless bellyaches from laughter, her wedding, my travels, the joy of getting new dogs, the frustration of family issues, and the list goes on and on. And there have been a couple times when we almost stopped being friends. Thank God we had the good sense to hold onto each other.

Those of you who know me well enough also know that for the past couple years Shiyrah and I have had a standing date each week. We call it girls' night, but really it's usually just best friend night since most of the time it's just us two. Tonight was one of the best girls' nights. We ate dinner at her place then went to see the movie Tangled (which by the way is one of my new faaavorite movies!!! I MUST OWN IT WHEN IT COMES OUT ON DVD! AGH! ADORABLE!! Again, I digress). As much as we adored the movie though, the best part of the evening was the end.

As we often do, Shiyrah and I sat out on her front porch swing talking the hours away. Seriously, I left her place at midnight:30. That's super late for us, she wakes up early. I've always loved my talks with Shiyrah. Some of my best memories of us are our late night talks; staying the night at her house in high school, talking till we were delirious and she would start answering me in her head and not out loud, or when we lived together in college and I would hop into her super comfy bed and she would tell me to quiet my mind as I tried to sort out my jumbled up thoughts, oh yeah! and the time I had to keep talking to her to keep her awake while she drove us back to her house really late one night in high school! :) OH! OH! And when she moved into my dorm room (Merlini for life!) and we had light saber fights with our cell phones!!!

Tonight we talked about a lot. We talked about how we met at the Cheney Baptist Church youth group when we were young and naive, how we were inseparable and so alike. Back then it seemed like we were one person in two bodies, on the same path in so many ways. And through the years we've both grown and changed so much. In some ways, we're still that one person in two bodies (mostly when it comes to the combustion of our goofy, silly, off the wall energy) but we are so different in many other ways. Shiyrah is more grounded, I'm a floating free spirit. She's settled down and ready to start a family, it'll be amazing if I'm married by the time I'm 30. She's conservative, I'm liberal, etc etc etc. Although our paths are no longer one, they will always intermingle.

I'm so lucky to have Shiyrah. She is my friend for life. I know that no matter what happens, we will always be there for each other. I used to think "Man, I've got to get out of Wichita some day," but honestly, settling down here wouldn't be bad at all. Life can't be bad when I've got such an amazingly kind and generous person to hang around. And if I never end up getting married or having kids, I'll just build my house next to hers and be her nanny and help her raise her kids. :)

I'll end this post by saying that I hope those of you reading this are lucky enough to have a friendship that you hold so dear that you would do anything to keep it going, that you have someone who you know will be there for you no matter what, someone to share your secrets, your pain and your joy with. Make sure that you let that person know how valuable they are to you.

I'd like to say thank you to all of my friends. I am extremely thankful for the many wonderful people who have blessed me with their friendship, trust and love. You are shining lights in a world full of darkness and you fill my life with happiness. My sister Loralie, you are so much more to me than a sister, I love you more than I can say. My dad Marvin, I have so much respect and love for you. You were so strong when so many others would have fallen apart. My godmother Sally, all I can say without crying is thank you for raising me, you'll always be my 2nd mommy.

Kenzie, Desi, Candis, Geoff, Katie Anne, Brianna (my honey bee), Amanda, Liz Tiede, Rachel, Phil, Ellie, Niomi, Greg, Abby, Hannah, Sonja, Lynda, Holly, Teresa, Allie, Shane, Amy, Beth, Jake Seymore, Jon Staab, Maggie, Lynnsee, Maryann, Mike Massions, Nelson, Prakriti, Sarah, Stacy, Janet, all my family in Australia, my Canadian friend Daniella... the list goes on and on...

Even if we aren't the closest of friends at this moment, you have made an impact on my life, especially if I listed you specifically but even if I didn't. Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, whether it's just for a chapter or two or the whole story. Love with all your heart and embrace those who are in it. I love you.

Change of Mind

This is what I'm looking at. :) My dog is so adorable.

Sophie always looks at me so expectantly when she wants to play

I'm looking at this when I should probably be looking at the back of my eyelids (which is what Sophie decided to do shortly after I took this picture). Tomorrow's going to be busy. Therapy in the morning, followed by a session with a personal trainer, followed by a jam session with Sam, followed by an oil change, washing dishes, doing laundry, paying bills, taking Sophie for a walk, planting my herb garden and getting out my spring wardrobe... assuming I have time for all of that! Hahaha!

Man, time flies! There's always so much to do and never enough time. I suppose that's just life. We never have as much time as we'd like; We're born, grow up, learn some stuff, do some things, love, laugh, cry, and before we know it, it's over. All we can do is try and fit in enough time for the things that are most important to us.

I love this journey I've been on. I would say that my life is pretty phenomenal. True, I haven't always thought so, it's hard to stay positive during those times when life shakes your world and throws you around. It's the true test of character though when you can still appreciate those times. I'm learning so much about myself and discovering who I am one chapter at a time and it's fun to see it all unfold. "Hello there Karen! I can't believe I've known you my whole life and am still learning new things about you!" (Random thought: Brrrr. My feet are cold.)

It's also fascinating to see how much I've grown and changed. There was a time when I was insecure. There was a time when I lost myself. There was a time when I was immature, close-minded, super conservative and naive. All of these times served their purpose and all of these times have built my past. And there will undoubtedly come a time in the future when I look back and again say, "My! How I've changed!" The greatest tragedy is stagnation, so I'm working to build my present and my future.

The human mind is such a fascinating thing. It is far more powerful than most give it credit for. To change your mind is to change your world. Think about that, you can't deny it's validity. Athletes often talk about visualization. I heard an interview with Nastia Liukin shortly after she became the 2008 Olympic individual all-around champion. The interviewer asked her if she had been nervous the day she won. She responded by saying that she hadn't been nervous at all because in her mind she had already performed her routine perfectly and dreamt she had already won. She didn't have to worry about perfection because she'd already seen herself achieve it.

How have I changed my world by changing my mind? Ever since I was little I came to the conclusion that there are 2 types of people in this world, victims and survivors, and I was determined to always be a survivor. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, become defeated and give up. Sure, there are times when I've been weakened, but I've always managed to pull myself up. (Often with the help of wonderful, loving friends and family.)

We all possess the power we need, some simply choose not to use that power. Want to loose weight? You don't need some fad diet. I lost a little extra junk in the trunk just by eating healthier, eating smaller proportions, planning out my meals and runnin around with the cute pup above. Want to be more successful at work? Try harder. Get rid of the defeated, negative attitude you've been carrying around and smile. Simply smile. It'll make others smile back and you'll be amazed by the difference such a tiny thing can make.

Love, positivity, happiness, it all comes from within and it's the best gift you can give yourself. So why hold back? Open your mind, turn your mind to what you want and really focus. Pay attention to your thoughts and get rid of all the negative, the anger, the sadness. Just choose not to focus on those things. It's a choice. I hope that you'll take what I've said to heart and to mind. Change your mind and change your world.

I love knowing myself. I am happy-go-lucky, I am passionate and caring, and I am full of peace and joy. Practice being who you want to be, next thing you know it'll be habit.

Are We Living the Life?

Martin Sexton - Living the Life

I love this song so much. Listen to it. Pay attention to the lyrics.

What stops us from living the life we want? Bills? Children? Bad relationships? Us. It's us. We do it to ourselves. We make our choices. The rest are just excuses. We all make excuses (though some people are worse offenders than others). I try not to make excuses. I hate excuses.

A friend of mine recently quit her job at a bank. She hated it. She couldn't stand the thought of working there one more day so she went in and quit. She took a risk. She quit her job without having another one lined up. It takes guts to do that. I did it once. It's scary because you're not sure how long it'll take to find something else but it's freeing at the same time. I'm so proud of her though. She's taking her happiness into her own hands, focusing on what she loves and what she wants.

So what's my excuse now? Am I living the life I want and if not what's stopping me? Like I said, we make our choices. Sometimes we need to choose change, to stop simply accepting the comfort of familiarity. I want a job with more regular hours. Making more money. Having the evenings free to make music, hang with friends, read books, go to mediation, yoga class, art class, whatever.

I need to choose change. I'm just not sure exactly where it's going to take me.

Awkwardness

Sometimes I feel so darn awkward. Webster defines "awkward" as lacking ease or grace, a lack of skill or expertness, causing embarrassment.

HAHAHA! Yes. That can most definitely be me. I embarrass myself at work often when I do/sing/say something crazy, forgetting that there are a lot of people in the store who don't know me and my anecdotes (though I think my coworkers are more embarrassed by my silliness than I am).

So when am I most awkward? Around men. In particular, men I like. Then again, who isn't awkward when they're around someone they like (at least to some degree)? There is currently one man that makes me nervously awkward at times. After all, nice, cute, smart guys are rare like unicorns and people aren't used to seeing unicorns up close, they only hear about them in stories. I bet most people would be awkward around unicorns at first. "Wow. Am I tripping on something? Is there really a unicorn in front of me? Sh-should I pet it? Is it okay to ride it? Dude, I can't stop staring, it's a friggin UNICORN! HOLY CRAP!" ... but I digress. Hopefully he isn't too aware of my awkwardness, though if he's reading this he is now at least. haha "Hi! I'm awkward!" Is it awkward that I'm talking about this on my blog? Sure. So why not write about it for everyone to see? It's less awkward if it's talked about, right? ......Right?

Awkward. Lacking ease, grace or expertness. I am slightly awkward when it comes to dating/seeing/talking to/whatever you want to call the first phase of "getting to know someone you like." Why? Lack of expertness mostly. I haven't been in a committed relationship in about 2 years. I haven't been on this bike in a while. Plus, the last two relationships I had were spent mostly apart since they were in the Army (dating guys in the Army was my first mistake lol). So it's been even longer since I've been in a "normal" relationship. Ya know, the kind where someone says, "I like you," then you go on dates, get to know each other by spending time together, finding out each others' likes/dislikes/beliefs/values/hopes/plans/dreams/all the stuff that makes you you and them them, taking things slow, doing things the right way, building a healthy foundation.

Yeah, been a while since I've done that. I lack expertness. I'm just hoping my awkwardness is an endearing quirk and not a bothersome discomfort. Meh. I am who I am. I over-think things (which lends to my awkwardness too). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm hopping back on the bike, trying not to wobble as I find my balance and find my footing. Bear with me as I make wide turns and fumble with the gears and my bike helmet slips down over my eyes, I'll get the hang of it, embrace my awkwardness and will slowly move along with more ease, grace and expertness.

The Winds of Change

You gotta love (or, uh, hate?) the Kansas weather. Just over a week ago we got a foot of snow and then we're hit with weather like the past couple days, nearly 70 degrees in the middle of February. What's the old saying? If you don't like the Kansas weather, wait a few days. Hmmm... I like that saying... Really it can be applied to so much. "If you don't like ________, wait a few days." Things change so quickly.

I can feel some changes coming and it makes me excited. I will start my career this year. Perhaps very soon if things go as I hope. So much has changed for me this past year already. For the first time in a long time I feel very certain of and comfortable in who I am. It's about time! I mean, I still don't have it all figured out, but I've come to understand that NO ONE will EVER have it all figured out. If you had everything figured out where would the fun be in life? There would be nothing left to learn. And the only certainty is that life is uncertain. Always.

I used to spend so much time planning for and worrying about the future. Yes, it's still good to have some plans, but I've learned to put flexibility in those plans and to accept that some of those plans may never happen. GOOD! Surprises are the spice of life. And sometimes it's good when things don't go according to plan. THANK GOD I did not end up marrying my ex-fiance as I had planned to. My life is so much better due to that plan falling through. I wasn't ready. I hadn't gotten to know myself enough yet.

Know thyself. Best quote. Thanks Socrates. (Btw, how many of you just read that as "So-crates?" lol Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Classic!)

Cheers to change. I welcome it happily and I hope you do too. How have you changed lately? How do you hope to change? I hope that we all take the change that comes our way and accept it. Even if it's a change that seems to be for the worse, there is always some good to come out of it, sometimes you just have to look really REALLY hard. Learn from every experience and embrace change.

The World is a Stage

**Started writing this a week ago**

And I need to get back up there. GOD! I MISS BEING ON STAGE!!! It's been just over 6 months since I've sung on stage. Half a year. After spending a year doing at least 4 gigs a month, sometimes as many as 10, these past 6 months have felt like a drought, a withdrawal. I need my fix. I need that escape.

Performing is the best high. It's such a rush. When I'm up on stage I don't think about anything but the music. All my worries, stress, annoyances, whatever, it all just disappears and gets lost in the mix. The bass pushes it all down. The treble soars up high and drowns out all the inner dialogue. Performing is my addiction, my release. All that bottled up rage, sadness, passion, it just explodes against my vocal chords. And it's the best feeling in the world.

I need a guitarist. Please God, send me a guitarist. One who will be able to translate what's in my head onto the fretboard.

**Current update**

What are the odds that just days after writing this I hear from a friend who is great at guitar? I went over to Carlos' house Friday night and we completed a song I started working on back in June. And it sounds great. Then on Monday I went to the open mic night at Blue Lounge and was back on stage for the first time in 6 months. Granted I only performed 4 songs, but it felt so great.

I needed these things to happen this week. Here's hoping this momentum keeps up.