Harnessing My Energy

In certain aspects of my life it feels like I've got my shit together... but in other ways I feel like I'm a hot mess.

How do I have my shit together?
-I've got a good job
-Making money
-Great friends
-Healthy diet
-Good spirituality

How am I a hot mess?
-Men... not enough space here
-Need to get back into a workout routine
-Neglecting my music and art and writing
-House is a mess

Aaaaaand I'm up writing a blog post at 1:35 am. I'm not even really sure what I want to write about tonight. I always try to stay optimistic and positive but I'm tempted to vent tonight...

I work in a music store and I haven't even worked on my own music in months. I haven't painted anything in months. Why am I so uninspired? Is it laziness? Lack of time? Stress?

Maybe I expect too much out of myself. I have this crazy wild spirit that's so full of energy and that energy just pours out and sometimes it's hard to know where to direct it. It's like the churning, swirling rapids of a river rushing to the ocean, no longer wanting to be confined by the land around it, hurtling, tumbling forward, constantly in motion.

Lately I've been directing that energy towards work and tutoring Spanish but I'm the kind of person that can't just pour all my energy into one thing, I have to have all these different outlets. I mean, seriously! Here are things I do: sing, write songs, act (though unfortunately not in years), paint (I need to take an art class), model (and I use that term loosely... you could be a part-time model! if you get that reference, you rock.), yoga, own a dog, travel to different countries, speak Spanish, tutor Spanish, attempt to play guitar, piano or ukulele (though I need to effing practice!), go on dates, meditate, weekly girls' night with the bff, manage like a boss, dance Salsa (wish I could take dance lessons)....

Damn, I'm exhausted just reading that list. No wonder I'm a hot mess. I do so many effing things. Why? Jack of all trades, master of none. Why can't I just focus my energies onto a couple things and get really good at just one or two things? Why do I feel the need to do it all? Hell! I want to get into photography too! And take cooking classes! And read books! And volunteer for non-profits! And get a Bottle Bill passed into the Kansas legislature! And shop for amazing thrift store finds! And become a yoga instructor!

How do I find time for all these things? You can't, can you? But I want to. Why do I want to? It's crazy. I talk about how it would be nice to be in a relationship but honestly if I got a boyfriend the guy would probably only get to see me once a week.

I don't always know which way to turn but I'll just keep trying to find my way to the ocean. One of these days things will calm down but I can always sleep when I'm dead. Might as well enjoy all there is to enjoy in life while I can.

Day 1: GO BIG OR GO HOME!

In August I was going to lose weight by slowly cutting certain things out of my diet. Didn't work. I cheated a little here, a little there, then before I knew it I was back to bad eating habits. It's time to go big or go home.

I am starting a cleanse. For the rest of this month my diet will consist of fruits and vegetables, eggs and nuts.

I've also decided that this will be the first step in slowly becoming vegetarian. This is a personal choice that I'd like you to simply accept and support. I don't want to hear people saying, "But you NEED meat in your diet." Oh really? Do you know how many vegetarians and vegans live healthy lives without it? I know plenty. There are foods you can substitute for meat in order to get all the proper nutrients you need for a healthy diet. It's nothing against meat-eaters, it's just a choice that I'm making for myself. I won't argue with you about what you choose to eat so please don't argue with me about what I choose to not eat. Thanks.

Last night I was contemplating why I had let myself fail on my quest to lose weight again in August... I've set out... twice (?) now to do so and my plans always get derailed. I could sprout out multiple excuses but really I need to fully commit myself and make it a priority. I need to give myself a goal and then break it down into smaller goals.

I need to make myself a priority. I need to invest in myself and my happiness. I need to schedule time to practice my guitar every day. I need to start meditating again. I need to give myself a bed time, get up earlier and not miss a day of taking Sophie for a walk in the morning. I've been stressed out at work but it's because I haven't been giving myself as much of the things I need to feel refreshed.

So here we go! I'm making this official. I got some Chinese food yesterday and my fortune cookie said, "Speak less of your plans - you will get more of them done." I'm sure my wise cookie has a point, but I'm going to declare this to hold myself accountable, and I hope you'll help me be accountable too. I'm going to need help from my friends. I'm going to need you to not tempt me. I'm going to need you to respect my decisions. And I'm going to need you to cheer me on!

DAY 1! LET'S DO THIS!!!