Outward Symbols of Internal Scars

Three and a half years ago I got my first tattoo. I had been planning on getting one for over 6 months and I finally got the money and courage to go for it. I ended up going into a tattoo shop on a Saturday since that was their day for walk-ins. It just so happened that the day I got my tattoo was my sister's birthday.

1st tattoo, by Dennis at Artist at Large

About two years ago I decided I wanted to get another one, something for my mum. I had planned to get it while I was visiting her family in Australia but it was a lot more expensive over there than in the U.S. so I waited. I got back to the states in February and started saving my money again. In April of last year I had the money and got my 2nd tattoo on my "little sister's" birthday, 2 days before my dad's birthday.

2nd tattoo, by Tom at Undisputed

I'm not sure how long I've been planning my 3rd tattoo... it's been at least 6 months. I never had the money so I waited. About a month and a half ago I got a promotion and my first thought was that I'd have the money for the tattoo I've been wanting. I happened to have a conversation with a friend who is a tattoo artist and decided I'd get it within a couple weeks... I got my 3rd tattoo yesterday, the day that would have been my mum's 60th birthday had she not died when I was a baby.

My mum, Richard-4, me-a little over a year, and Loralie-7

It's kind of cool that I've ended up getting each tattoo on a family member's birthday. I never really fully planned it, it's just kind of worked out that way, like it was meant to be. It makes the experience even more special.

I had told my friend Kevin at Hell Bomb that I wanted a tree with the roots spreading down around my ankle and a little bird flying away from it. I've always loved trees and birds. My therapist told me that the two are symbolically contradictory, that trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom and wandering. To me the two were perfectly complimentary. The tree is my stability, my safe place where I build my nest and go when the storms are raging, but I am a free-spirited bird that likes to fly away and wander around looking for adventure.

I also wanted the tattoo on my ankle because the ankles are your roots, the tree in a way represents my family tree, but also the tree of life. I've been fascinated with the idea of the tree of life since studying in Guatemala and exploring the Mayan pyramids of Tikal. In the forest surrounding the pyramids there are these huge, towering trees with the roots jutting up above the ground, sometimes the roots alone are up to 10 feet high. The Mayans called these the tree of life because they believed that the roots were the underworld coming up into our world and that the branches of the tree held up the sky. How beautiful.

Guatemala's National Tree, Mayan Tree of Life

I took a few pictures of trees that I liked to Kevin and told him that I wanted to see what he could come up with. When I went in for my appointment yesterday he showed me what he had designed and it was absolutely perfect. It's the first time that I've gotten a tattoo and been happy with the design right away, it didn't need any modification whatsoever. At first I had planned to just have one bird flying away from the tree but Kevin had drawn two birds... I instantly saw them as my mum and my brother who both died in 1987. I would say that this tattoo is everything I wanted, but it's more.

Kevin Wathke at Hell Bomb Tattoo, Wichita, KS

Right after I took the bandage off of my tattoo yesterday I promptly posted a picture to Facebook. I got a lot of comments but the one that stood out to me was, "I trust this is a very healing experience for you. The design is very clever, meaningful, and artful."


Here was my response: "Valerie, you nailed it on the head. Not many people think of it that way, but you're right. The last tattoo I got was also partially for my mum... Both times were like a meditation. I made myself embrace the pain, to simply feel it and react to it minimally because the pain that I experienced while getting my tattoos is nothing compared to the pain of loosing them... The pain of a needle creating art on my body is simply a collection of impulses being sent to my brain. The emotional pain, on the other hand, is something that I always carry with me. It's that pain that has made me stronger and has made me who I am today. For me, getting my last 2 tattoos wasn't simply about decoration and self expression like the first one; they're outward symbols of internal scars. Scars are a mark left by the healing of injured tissue, and when it heals that tissue is tougher. The same is true with the heart."

God I love this tattoo!