Harnessing My Energy

In certain aspects of my life it feels like I've got my shit together... but in other ways I feel like I'm a hot mess.

How do I have my shit together?
-I've got a good job
-Making money
-Great friends
-Healthy diet
-Good spirituality

How am I a hot mess?
-Men... not enough space here
-Need to get back into a workout routine
-Neglecting my music and art and writing
-House is a mess

Aaaaaand I'm up writing a blog post at 1:35 am. I'm not even really sure what I want to write about tonight. I always try to stay optimistic and positive but I'm tempted to vent tonight...

I work in a music store and I haven't even worked on my own music in months. I haven't painted anything in months. Why am I so uninspired? Is it laziness? Lack of time? Stress?

Maybe I expect too much out of myself. I have this crazy wild spirit that's so full of energy and that energy just pours out and sometimes it's hard to know where to direct it. It's like the churning, swirling rapids of a river rushing to the ocean, no longer wanting to be confined by the land around it, hurtling, tumbling forward, constantly in motion.

Lately I've been directing that energy towards work and tutoring Spanish but I'm the kind of person that can't just pour all my energy into one thing, I have to have all these different outlets. I mean, seriously! Here are things I do: sing, write songs, act (though unfortunately not in years), paint (I need to take an art class), model (and I use that term loosely... you could be a part-time model! if you get that reference, you rock.), yoga, own a dog, travel to different countries, speak Spanish, tutor Spanish, attempt to play guitar, piano or ukulele (though I need to effing practice!), go on dates, meditate, weekly girls' night with the bff, manage like a boss, dance Salsa (wish I could take dance lessons)....

Damn, I'm exhausted just reading that list. No wonder I'm a hot mess. I do so many effing things. Why? Jack of all trades, master of none. Why can't I just focus my energies onto a couple things and get really good at just one or two things? Why do I feel the need to do it all? Hell! I want to get into photography too! And take cooking classes! And read books! And volunteer for non-profits! And get a Bottle Bill passed into the Kansas legislature! And shop for amazing thrift store finds! And become a yoga instructor!

How do I find time for all these things? You can't, can you? But I want to. Why do I want to? It's crazy. I talk about how it would be nice to be in a relationship but honestly if I got a boyfriend the guy would probably only get to see me once a week.

I don't always know which way to turn but I'll just keep trying to find my way to the ocean. One of these days things will calm down but I can always sleep when I'm dead. Might as well enjoy all there is to enjoy in life while I can.