Following My Dreams... Finally

I am happy to inform you that I have chosen a direction. I can now raise my sails and let the wind carry me to my destination. I feel so much lighter, free.

Photo taken by Hannah Erickson, edited by me

It's been a bit stressful getting to this point though. The past couple weeks have been pretty intense. I've been thinking for a while that I was going to quit working at Guitar Center and begin my career. I revamped my resume, I went to a Career Fair, I had a couple job interviews. But right before my last interview another door flew wide open...

I was working at Guitar Center on Saturday, April 2nd when the singer for Gooding (check out the band at http://www.goodingmusic.com/) came into the store with his friend Cassie Leigh from OKC. Long story short, Cassie and I quickly became friends that night at Gooding's concert at Rock Island Live. The following Tuesday Cassie texted me asking me to co-write a song with her... Later that evening while we were talking on the phone we decided to just go all out and start a band together. And so began the birth of our band, PayPer Doll.

Right from the get go Cassie and I started talking big, after all, we kind of had to if we plan to start doing gigs this summer. If we want to start gigging in June that means we only have 2 months to put together a 30 minute set list (about 6-8 songs). Plus, in order to make good money at gigs you need merch; CDs, shirts, etc. We immediately decided that we would make an EP (CD with 4-6 tracks). We knew we would have to make some quick decisions. Amazingly, all the pieces of the puzzle just started falling together perfectly. My friend Lindsey Bass had posted the picture below on Facebook several months ago. As soon as I saw it I thought it would be a great name for a girl band. When I suggested the name to Cassie she agreed that it was perfect, especially given the meaning behind it.

Designed by Lindsey Bass

Lindsey had told me that she came up with the idea accidentally but the more she looked at it the more she loved it. To her it represented the price of society's view of beauty. So many people get plastic surgery or struggle with eating disorders in order to be "beautiful" and they pay for that beauty with their health. To me and Cassie it also represented the idea of breaking away from the mold and being comfortable in your own skin, your own beauty, being a strong, confident woman. We then decided that the name of our EP will be "Brutal and Beautiful." Sometimes you just have to be brutally honest, especially with yourself. You need to stop and think about how you talk to yourself. And if you aren't telling yourself you're beautiful, you need to start. The brutal and beautiful woman will not compromise herself, her values, beliefs or needs. She is strong and will not waste her time on something that doesn't make her happy.

Wow. Just look at how much I can sit here and talk about this band... I sat at home one night last week thinking about this... I had been interviewed for a great job and I wasn't even thinking about it; all I could think about was the music, my passion and my dreams...

I struggled. For about 2 weeks. I struggled so much internally. I've always been the dreamer, I follow my emotions. People have sometimes told me that I need to be more practical, more logical and I was trying very hard to balance these two sides. I was on the phone with my friend Sonja and I said, "I need you to tell me to either follow my dreams or to be practical." Unfortunately only I can make that decision and I was so afraid I would make the wrong decision... Take a good paying job with stability or go with the unknown as I follow my dreams... I started to doubt myself. I started wondering if I was really good enough. I started to fear the possibility of failure...

Then one day I made my decision. I wasn't going to let fear hold me back. I refused to let doubt spread like a cancer throughout my mind. One word made all the difference, sacrifice. My friend Jarae wrote a note about being a dreamer and the word that caught my attention was sacrifice. We must make sacrifices in order to pursue our passions. I just had to ask myself what I was willing to sacrifice. Which path would I regret NOT taking?

And my answer was right in front of me. Music. I cannot, will not, must not sacrifice my music. Music is so much a part of who I am. It comes from my heart, my soul. It brings me to life.

So my decision is to stay at Guitar Center for now. It gives me the flexibility I need to pursue my music. Things are happening so incredibly fast for PayPer Doll. We spent this entire weekend working on music. We already have our track list put together for the EP. Two songs are very nearly done, the other 4 are started and just need more lyrics. Cassie and I work so well together, it's simply amazing. We accomplished far more than either of us expected over the weekend.

Photo by Desi Conner

I'm so deliriously, incredibly, indescribably excited/eager/overjoyed! Big things are going to happen, I can feel it. I am so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive friends and family. I know some people may want to tell me to be more practical, but them holding their tongues and simply finding joy in my happiness is the greatest gift. This is my one and only life. I am going to live it how I want.

The most important thing is that we live before we're dead.

Thank you to everyone for your support and for sharing in my joy. :) I love you.