My Epiphany

I haven't updated my blog for over three months. Wow. I guess I've been so busy that I haven't had time to stop and talk about it. The past 6 months have been a whirlwind. I can't believe I've already been in Omaha for half a year. I knew it would take a while to get settled in but I had no idea the transition period would be this long.

Since my last entry I have moved into a long term apartment, started seeing someone new and started working out again. Little pieces of normalcy are finding their way back to my life ever so slowly, settling in to complete the puzzle. I love Omaha and I finally feel at home again.

So, sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been a bit busy. But you know what? I think I know the real reason I haven't updated this blog lately. In fact, I just had an epiphany... The crisis is over. My Quarter Life Crisis has been all about finding myself, finding my purpose, my direction in life. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know which direction I want to go in. I've never been more sure of something in my life.

I guess this means I'll start a new blog. I don't know what it will be yet so I'll keep writing on here until I do. If you have any suggestions for what you think the topic of my new blog should be, leave a comment and let me know.

I have to admit, it feels pretty great knowing that the crisis is over. :) I'm so excited for what lies ahead.

Silver Linings

I suppose I should consider these first 2-3 months in Nebraska an initiation, a test of fortitude. There have been so many road blocks, speed bumps, and days of rain (metaphorically speaking). Many times it has been difficult to keep my chin up, to stay positive and not focus on the stress. Enough is enough, I'm done being mopey and feeling sorry for myself, that's not who I am. I've always said that negativity is a cancer... Unfortunately I let it grow for a while. Last night I decided it was time to remove the tumor that had built up. I've always been an upbeat, positive person, it's time for me to get back to who I am. I refuse to allow myself to play the victim or wallow In the "poor me's." My car broke down last week, just 2 weeks after finally getting it back from a month in the shop after some guy ran a red light and hit my car. It's a good thing I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself last night, otherwise today would've been ruined after getting a call from the shop I took my car to. The call I got was to inform me that I need a new transmission and possibly a new clutch... Best case scenario it will cost me $3,000. Worse case scenario, it will be $3,500. So here are my silver linings. I got my car for about $3,000 less than it is actually worth. My bank is going to let me take more out on my loan. I plan to trade this car in for a cheaper one to diminish my debt. I also found out from the bank that my credit score has significantly increased in the past year. Soon I will be looking for a new place to live (my short term lease is almost up) and a new car as well. Yes, it's a little stressful, but hey, it could always be worse.

Moving Away From Home

A month ago today I moved to Omaha, Nebraska for another promotion through Guitar Center, my 3rd one in less than 2 years with the company. Everyone kept telling me how brave I am to move to a new city all by myself. I knew it would be a challenge but I didn't really get why they were saying I was brave... Until now.

I wasn't expecting to be sick my first week and a half here, have a guy run a red light and hit me a week ago, or lock myself out of my apartment one morning. This move has thrown off my groove. Holy hell did I underestimate how huge this adjustment would be!

I Don't Know This City

I came to visit Omaha a couple times before moving here. I was really excited because it's a bit bigger than Wichita but still has the friendly Midwest mentality. This city also has more to offer in fine arts (big bonus for a musician/artist/thespian)! While visiting I also found plenty of options for vegetarian dinning and discovered that two neighborhoods have community gardens. It seemed like a perfect fit!

What I quickly discovered after moving here is that although the city has a lot to offer, I don't know where any of it is. Yes, the internet helps, but I found myself not having a clue where to go for even the most mundane, every day things like where to get gas, where to go grocery shopping, clothes shopping (I need thrift stores!) and don't even get me started on where to live.

I Don't Know This Crew

I spent nearly 2 years at the same Guitar Center, with the same boss and (for the most part) the same coworkers. I knew which training methods worked with which sales associate, I knew their communication styles, I knew my customers. I'm now adjusting to new personalities, a bigger store, different priorities. I'm getting to know them and they're getting to know me.

I'm Alone

Yes, I can call my family and friends but it's different when you can't just stop by to see them or catch up over your lunch break. Usually a new job brings insta-friends, and while I have hung out with some of my coworkers, being a supervisor means keeping a certain level of detachment. And, oh yeah, to top it all off, being alone has drudged up all the pain of loosing my mother... again.

At first I was frustrated and angry with myself, saying I shouldn't be such a baby, after all, mum died 24 years ago. But yesterday it all came to a head, I reached the final boiling point and it all spilled over. Luckily I received a phone call from Sonja and she helped me to process what I was feeling. I can't express how thankful I am to have her in my life...

The truth is, you never get over that kind of loss and it can come back suddenly at times, especially when you're going through a major life event. All of a sudden I recalled all the things I'd read in the book "Motherless Daughters" and I knew it was okay to feel this way. When life is scary and you don't know what to do, primal instinct makes you want to turn to your first source of safety, your mother's arms. But what do you do when that's not an option?

Learning, Growing and Adjusting

"A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." My District Sales Manager said this to me the other day. He is such a great mentor and I'm so glad he shared that with me. I may feel lost, alone and confused right now but I know that everything we experience is a learning opportunity, and I'm not going to waste that opportunity. I'm trying to be more kind to myself, to give myself the time I need to adjust, to heal, to grow. These days are just growing pains and this too shall pass.

Held at Arm's Length

Damn it. I can't sleep. And I'm hormonal. Great combination...

As I was laying awake in bed, a thought crossed my mind... Why is it that many of the people I care about most in my life are so emotionally guarded/don't communicate about their feelings?

I feel the walls they put up. I feel myself being held at arm's length... and it hurts.

Maybe it's the hormones... Maybe it's the fact that I'm away from home and the loneliness is starting to sink in... Or maybe I just can't take it anymore... I keep trying to decide which it is.

Life is too damn short. "Be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I have to say this, I have to get this off my chest. I wish I could say it face to face but I don't know when I'll be home next. I could say it over the phone but I have to get it out now if I have any hope of sleeping at all tonight... I understand, things happen in life, it messes with our psychology and our hearts, it makes us create defense mechanisms... But if you hide behind those walls forever you will miss out on some pretty great stuff.

So much of my life has left me feeling lost. From the beginning my life was defined by loss... and not just loss, tragic loss; you don't want to know all the details of the ways these people died... I lost my brother, my mum, the babysitter whose house had a bed permanently set aside for me and my sister, my dad got re-married and it ended months later in an annulment. Three mother figures in and out of my life within the first FOUR YEARS, critical developmental years. To top it all off, my single parent was a pilot, gone all the time, different cities all the time, no consistency. I had a Disneyland dad, and a sister 6 years older and in a different developmental stage in life.

Consistency, why didn't I ever have it? High school... God, I don't want to go into what happened then... I'll just say that I felt abandoned by my own father and at the end of my junior year I moved in with my Godparents, my non-parent parents who helped to raise me. And though I was involved in family events and holidays (and still am) I was never really a member of that family... almost, but not really.

After college I felt lost again, detached from my ancestry, heritage, and roots. I felt incomplete, a half of a whole. I maxed out a credit card to try to discover my other half on the other side of the world. And now I feel the scared, confused child welling up inside me again and I DON'T LIKE IT! I'm stronger than this, but when you push away it makes me feel weak... I'm too weak to fight those walls. I don't want to fight those walls! I can't stand being shut out any more. I open myself to you and you shut me out. How much more can you push me away when I'm already gone?

.............. deep breath .....................

All anyone wants is to be loved. They say if you love yourself, that's enough. I love myself. I accept myself just as I am. I have more self confidence now than when I was 20 pounds lighter, a tiny insecure girl. Maybe loving myself should be enough but we're social creatures, we need community, family, support for the times we're too tired. Being alone and not being let in are two entirely different things.

I'm okay with being alone, but I am not okay with being shut out and held at arm's length. Please, please, let me in.

Adventure Time

I'm sitting on my bed in my new apartment in Omaha, Nebraska with my pup by my side. Boxes clutter every room, my armchair is in the kitchen, and I have no idea what got thrown into which box! Hahaha! It's funny how the reality of everything is sinking in so slowly... For the first time in my life I have moved away from home, I only know a handful of people in this city, and am familiar with only a few of the main roads.

Honestly I thought I'd be more emotional about it; after all, I've always been a deeply emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn't cry on my last day of work in Wichita or as I hit the road in a U-Haul filled with all of my stuff. At first I thought the reason for this was that I haven't had the time. I've been busy packing, saying goodbyes, and trying to get over the cold I came down with the day before I had to move. However I think the reason for it is that I know I'm up for the challenge.

I have been given my 3rd promotion in under 2 years of working at Guitar Center. I still have the same job title of Sales and Training Manager but I've been given a huge opportunity! The store in Omaha is brand new, it's only been open for about 10 months and attached to it is Guitar Center Studios, which is used for lessons and rehearsal space. This is the perfect next step as I progress in my career and I'm honored to be the one who was picked.

Time to start unpacking and welcome in this new chapter in my life!

Picture from my first trip to the new store, standing next to my rental car. ;)

An Epic Saga

Life has been really busy lately. Big changes are on the horizon and life is moving fast. Despite the dash of craziness, however, I feel great! I've been doing a lot better about keeping a routine. Since the beginning of the year I've lost 5 pounds and on average have worked out 3 times a week. I've been getting to work earlier. I've been going to bed earlier. I'm going out to eat less. So even though some changes are coming, at least I feel as though I've got a rhythm.

Speaking of changes, my birthday is in 2 weeks. I'm going to be 26. It's so weird to look back at the past, at the person I once was. I've changed so much at different points in my life that it's almost as if I've lived multiple lives within this one. Each phase of my life is like a chapter to a saga. There have already been so many different chapters, it makes me wonder how many more the book will contain until finally those two words appear... the end. I've thought about writing a book about my life some day, especially about my mother, but I have no idea where I would even begin to collect it all together in a cohesive and relevant collection.

Do you ever look back at parts of your past and it seems like they didn't really happen to you? It's as if the memories that you go over in your head aren't really your own memories, they almost feel borrowed, not really belonging to you. Sometimes it feels like watching a movie you've already seen; you know the plot, you know the story line, you may relate to it, but it feels distant and detached. It's so bizarre. How do you explain that? Is it like that for everyone? Is that what getting older feels like?

As I think of my life, my birth, my aging, and my inevitable death, all I can say is that when it's time for the end, I hope others will be able to say that my saga was truly epic.

Self Discipline

Lately I have been thinking a lot about self discipline, self discipline in regards to money, diet, exercise, and sleep schedule, among other things. Why is it that sometimes it can be so difficult to keep yourself disciplined? We stay up late when we should be getting rest, go out to eat instead of taking time to cook, skip the gym in order to sleep in, spend instead of save. We've all been guilty of it, some more than others, and yes, I'm taking some blame here too.

Our culture in America reinforces the sentiment, "I want it and I want it now." This mindset is a globally-spreading virus. The internet brings all of our desires within reach, fast food restaurants fill our ever-expanding bellies in a matter of minutes, credit cards allow us to buy now with money we don't even have. We gorge ourselves on incessant instant gratification.

Perhaps this is why self discipline can be so difficult. Why wake up now when you can hit snooze a dozen times? Why work for 30 minutes on a healthy, delicious meal when you can belly-up to the trough, um, I mean, buffet? Why scrimp and save and work a second job for that shiny status symbol when you can simply whip out the plastic, enslaving yourself to debt? And why on Earth would you go to the gym several days a week in order to lose weight when you can just go have someone stick a hose in your fat and suck it out of your body? Don't worry, it's normal. It's the American way... right?

I look around and see a bunch of overgrown toddlers throwing temper tantrums when they don't get their way, expecting everyone else to do the work for them, wanting everything to simply be handed to them without having to work for it. Our country is full of spoiled rotten children.

We all went to school with that kid (hell, maybe you were that kid) whose parents bought them a brand new *insert favorite sports car here* as soon as they turned 16. Little Miss Priss or Mr Hot Stuff tore around town in that car they didn't have to work for and what happened? They wrecked it of course (as is the fate of nearly all first cars) and of course mommy and daddy replaced the mangled scrap metal with a shiny new toy immediately, so as not to upset their "poor baby." Well I don't know about you, but in my personal experience, when I wrecked my first $400 clunker I was hitchin a ride until I got a second clunker about a year later.

I understand that parents want to give their children all the things they didn't have but when you simply hand it all over, what message does that send? Answer: You can have anything you want without having to work for it. All that does is set the child up for failure. The "real world" isn't like that at all... or is it?

I'm not trying to be holier-than-thou or say that I don't partake in any of the instant gratifications offered by our society. And sure, I'm guilty of not always having self-discipline, just like everyone else. What I am saying is that we need to take a look in the mirror from time to time. We need to exercise our self discipline and independence instead of simply accepting the fact that we're allowing ourselves (and our country) to become slaves to debt, dependent on others for everything and unappreciative of what we have because we didn't have to work for it.

So as a new year approaches, I ask you, are you going to spend this year exercising your self discipline? Are you willing to put in the hard work to make yourself independent and self-sufficient? Will you deny yourself some of the instant gratifications in order to revel in the pride of having achieved a goal? Whether your goal is related to health, money, career, religion, politics, whatever, you must be willing to have self discipline. If it all seems too overwhelming or too large, start small. Start by not hitting snooze, not eating that chocolate, not buying that toy you really can't afford. Control yourself. After all, you're not a child.

An Unfortunate Event

This is what I woke up to last Saturday morning, 2 days after Thanksgiving...

At 9:20 am, when I was fast asleep in bed I got a text and a call from my neighbor Travis. I finally woke up the 2nd time he called me. Travis told me that he had bad news, that someone had hit my car and driven off. He and his girlfriend were fast asleep when they were woken up by a loud crash that they thought was thunder. By the time they got up and looked out the front window the person who had hit my car was gone...

My Intrepid had been parked in its usual spot on the street across from my house, same place I've been parking for a year without incident. I'm assuming that whoever hit my car must have been drunk, the street is wide enough for three cars to park across it. I'm guessing they had to be going at least 50 mph (speed limit in my neighborhood is 30). My car ended up being pushed further into the street and ended up moving about 25 feet forward.

I don't even know how they were able to drive away from the scene. There was antifreeze all over the ground at the point of impact, behind where my car stopped, and then a trail of it that they left behind them. My Intrepid had a huge trunk, as you can see, it's now gone. There are holes in the gas tank, the tailpipe is in the muffler, some of the wheels are pressed up against the wheel well from being forced forward, none of the electronics work anymore, my car is leaking all sorts of fluids and my back bumper is now sitting on my front porch.

For a while I was just in complete shock...

My first thought was that I have liability only on my car insurance. I've always just had liability only. Luckily I had taken out a loan at my dad's bank and used my car as collateral and had to get full coverage. That loan would've been paid off in a couple months so it's a good thing I hadn't paid it off yet because I would have lowered my coverage. (From now on I'm always getting full coverage.)

I called 911, a cop showed up and I filed a police report. The officer said it looked like a while vehicle had hit me and that he would drive around the area to see if he could find the culprit but could make no promises. I had to work 11-8 that day and was not looking forward to going into work. My stomach was in knots and I just felt sick to my stomach over what had happened.

I gave myself a couple hours to be upset then told myself that I had to buck up and move on. There's no use in being upset over something you can't change, all you can do is figure out what to do next. Plus I have so many friends, family members and coworkers who were there to cheer me up, give me rides to and from work, and bring me food. I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. Things could always be worse and this was just a speed bump, a minor obstacle to maneuver around.

Things can change so suddenly. Life is change. It's all about adapting, making the most out of what comes your way. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for things to turn around. On Sunday during my lunch break I was checking out cars on Craigslist and saw one that I was interested in. The ad said to call Nathan and gave a number. The phone rang a few times then went to voicemail and much to my surprise I was calling a cousin of mine! Nathan told me that someone was going to come look at that particular car but that if I wanted he could take me to the auto auction on Wednesday...

So yesterday I went to the auction and this is now my car, an 03 Volkswagen Jetta! (Her name is Joan Jetta.) ;) I got a killer deal and I absolutely love this car. Thank you to everyone who helped me out during the chaos of everything. I am so blessed to have such kind, caring people who I can count on.

Stay positive and good things will come your way.

Karmic Cleanse

I've spent a lot of time thinking about karma lately... I don't care what religious beliefs you have, it's the same idea as "you reap what you sow," "you get what you give," "what goes around comes around," etc.

I've been meditating for almost 2 years now. I don't always go to guided meditations, sometimes it's as simple as focusing on my breathing to help me relax when I'm stressed at work or when I'm trying to fall asleep. What I've enjoyed the most from my guided mediation classes though would be the teachings about cultivating a spirit of loving kindness.

Have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of person you'd like people to remember you as? You know, things like, "If I were to die tomorrow, what would people have to say about me?" I've thought about it. I mean, my mum and brother both died before I turned 2, the fragility of life has always been something I've had a strong awareness of. So what do I want people to say about me when I'm gone? I want people to say that, above all, Karen was loving, happy and full of life.

"Flight of Freedom" acrylic painting I created in March

No matter how hard we try though, we aren't always loving creatures. Someone cuts us off in traffic, says hurtful things or annoys us and loving kindness goes out the window. I'm sure most of you have seen, or at least heard of the tv show My Name is Earl? I really like it. Earl has a list of people that he believes he has wronged, in turn creating bad karma. In order to create good karma for himself he revisits each person on the list in an attempt to make up for the wrong he's done in the past.

What a great concept! Sincere apology. Making amends. It can be so hard to do, especially when we feel as though we were justified when someone first wronged us. But what good is retaliation, eye for an eye? All it does it cause more suffering in the world.

I know that I have wronged others in the past and that I undoubtedly will do so again at times in the future. No one is perfect. To all who are reading this and all who are on my mind as I write this, if I have ever wronged you or caused you any pain whatsoever, I sincerely apologize. I ask that you please grant me forgiveness. I am imperfect and a work in progress.

I have grown and changed so much in the past 2 years and I attribute a lot of those changes to my meditation practices. I strive to be kind, patient, understanding and positive. I have learned to be mindful and more aware of my body, mind and surroundings. Most of all, I have become more peaceful. Yes, you'll still see me full of energy, bouncing around, singing songs and dancing, but I am more at ease within. I'm not as anxious or uptight as I once was and it feels so liberating! I feel like a bird flying towards the sun, full of light, love and life!

Harnessing My Energy

In certain aspects of my life it feels like I've got my shit together... but in other ways I feel like I'm a hot mess.

How do I have my shit together?
-I've got a good job
-Making money
-Great friends
-Healthy diet
-Good spirituality

How am I a hot mess?
-Men... not enough space here
-Need to get back into a workout routine
-Neglecting my music and art and writing
-House is a mess

Aaaaaand I'm up writing a blog post at 1:35 am. I'm not even really sure what I want to write about tonight. I always try to stay optimistic and positive but I'm tempted to vent tonight...

I work in a music store and I haven't even worked on my own music in months. I haven't painted anything in months. Why am I so uninspired? Is it laziness? Lack of time? Stress?

Maybe I expect too much out of myself. I have this crazy wild spirit that's so full of energy and that energy just pours out and sometimes it's hard to know where to direct it. It's like the churning, swirling rapids of a river rushing to the ocean, no longer wanting to be confined by the land around it, hurtling, tumbling forward, constantly in motion.

Lately I've been directing that energy towards work and tutoring Spanish but I'm the kind of person that can't just pour all my energy into one thing, I have to have all these different outlets. I mean, seriously! Here are things I do: sing, write songs, act (though unfortunately not in years), paint (I need to take an art class), model (and I use that term loosely... you could be a part-time model! if you get that reference, you rock.), yoga, own a dog, travel to different countries, speak Spanish, tutor Spanish, attempt to play guitar, piano or ukulele (though I need to effing practice!), go on dates, meditate, weekly girls' night with the bff, manage like a boss, dance Salsa (wish I could take dance lessons)....

Damn, I'm exhausted just reading that list. No wonder I'm a hot mess. I do so many effing things. Why? Jack of all trades, master of none. Why can't I just focus my energies onto a couple things and get really good at just one or two things? Why do I feel the need to do it all? Hell! I want to get into photography too! And take cooking classes! And read books! And volunteer for non-profits! And get a Bottle Bill passed into the Kansas legislature! And shop for amazing thrift store finds! And become a yoga instructor!

How do I find time for all these things? You can't, can you? But I want to. Why do I want to? It's crazy. I talk about how it would be nice to be in a relationship but honestly if I got a boyfriend the guy would probably only get to see me once a week.

I don't always know which way to turn but I'll just keep trying to find my way to the ocean. One of these days things will calm down but I can always sleep when I'm dead. Might as well enjoy all there is to enjoy in life while I can.

The Difference of a Year

I started this blog one year ago... So much can change in the span of a year.

When I first started writing this blog I was living with the worst roommate I've ever had. I had no place where I could go and relax because things were so tense in that house. I was going to therapy and dealing with depression. My head was still spinning after an emotionally painful experience. My bills, thanks mostly to school loans, exceeded my income. I was a recent grad that felt like a failure and like I had no direction.

So where am I now? I am in a much better place. Yes, I still have doubts and I still sometimes wonder which direction to turn in but my current situation is such a stark contrast to what it was one year ago. I have my own place. I'm in a duplex surrounded by good neighbors in a location that I love. I have no roommate, just my dog, and my dog doesn't care if I leave the dishes until tomorrow. I stopped going to therapy in the earlier part of this year and stopped taking my anti-depressants. I have less anxiety and haven't felt the intense lows of depression for a long time now thanks to meditation.

As far as relationships are concerned, I still haven't been in one since starting this blog. Yeah, I've gone on some dates, spent some time getting to know a few guys, (even wrote a blog about being a bit smitten) but nothing turned into a committed relationship. I've spent more time getting to know myself than getting to know men, which is definitely a good thing.

Change is gradual, it doesn't happen over night, but I've changed so much in this past year... Perhaps it was that the change had already been taking place, somewhere deep down, and it finally came to fruition.

Probably the biggest change is that I no longer think that getting married and having kids is a necessity for my life. Sure, it might happen, and if it does, cool; but I'm not going to feel unfulfilled and devastated if for some reason I'm unable to, or just never have the time to have kids. I'm not going to settle down just because society tells me that being an "old maid" is a sad, lonely existence. Screw biological clocks and the desperate search to find "the one." I'm going to do what I want when I want. If my life fails to mirror the typical, average American, good. I want to be different. I think I'm in a good place... I'm not worried about setting a time limit on life's events, I'm okay with simply accepting things as they come to me.

Aside from that, the biggest difference in my life as compared to what it was a year ago is my financial peace of mind. Since my promotion I've been able to pay my bills without needing my dad's help from time to time and I've been able to start building my savings back up. I've also been able to treat myself to occasional shopping trips! :)

I'm always amazed at the difference a year can make, I can't wait to see where I'll be this time next year. Perhaps I'll be working a different job, maybe living in a different city, in a relationship? Still single? Performing on stage again and more physically fit hopefully! Either way, I'm sure I'll be happy and I'll take joy in the growth brought by another year.

Just One of Those Days

Well, it's past 3 a.m. so yes, I've had a little bit to drink and I'm getting ready for bed...

Today was just one of those days. It had its moments. Some moments were not so bad, some were even good, but other moments were just frustrating...

I really don't want to talk about it in detail...

All I will say is that... Those moments happen. And then they're gone. Earlier today someone asked me, "How are you?" and I responded with, "Better, now." :) "Now?" they asked. "Yeah, earlier I wasn't so good. But that moment is over and now is better."

Optimism... sometimes it's hard to come by. Sometimes it's hard to just smile through the bullshit, frustrations, emotions, whatever... But what else are you going to do? If you sit there and dwell on it, that's all you've got; the bullshit, frustrations, emotions, blah blah blah... And I'm stronger than that.

People will do what they will and you have no control over other people. What you do have control over is how you react to those people.

The calm, meditative me would say that I'm just grasping; I'm clinging onto emotions and desires instead of simply accepting what is. Acceptance... why is it so hard for humans to do this? Why do we find it so difficult to accept others, accept what is different, what opposes our opinions, and even stranger yet, why is it so hard for us to accept ourselves?

No one is perfect so why do we hold people to perfect standards, including ourselves?

Everyone is doing the best that they can; if they could do better, they would.

Today was one of those days and tomorrow will be a different day. Either way, the world keeps spinning round and all we can do is enjoy the ride.

Day 1: GO BIG OR GO HOME!

In August I was going to lose weight by slowly cutting certain things out of my diet. Didn't work. I cheated a little here, a little there, then before I knew it I was back to bad eating habits. It's time to go big or go home.

I am starting a cleanse. For the rest of this month my diet will consist of fruits and vegetables, eggs and nuts.

I've also decided that this will be the first step in slowly becoming vegetarian. This is a personal choice that I'd like you to simply accept and support. I don't want to hear people saying, "But you NEED meat in your diet." Oh really? Do you know how many vegetarians and vegans live healthy lives without it? I know plenty. There are foods you can substitute for meat in order to get all the proper nutrients you need for a healthy diet. It's nothing against meat-eaters, it's just a choice that I'm making for myself. I won't argue with you about what you choose to eat so please don't argue with me about what I choose to not eat. Thanks.

Last night I was contemplating why I had let myself fail on my quest to lose weight again in August... I've set out... twice (?) now to do so and my plans always get derailed. I could sprout out multiple excuses but really I need to fully commit myself and make it a priority. I need to give myself a goal and then break it down into smaller goals.

I need to make myself a priority. I need to invest in myself and my happiness. I need to schedule time to practice my guitar every day. I need to start meditating again. I need to give myself a bed time, get up earlier and not miss a day of taking Sophie for a walk in the morning. I've been stressed out at work but it's because I haven't been giving myself as much of the things I need to feel refreshed.

So here we go! I'm making this official. I got some Chinese food yesterday and my fortune cookie said, "Speak less of your plans - you will get more of them done." I'm sure my wise cookie has a point, but I'm going to declare this to hold myself accountable, and I hope you'll help me be accountable too. I'm going to need help from my friends. I'm going to need you to not tempt me. I'm going to need you to respect my decisions. And I'm going to need you to cheer me on!

DAY 1! LET'S DO THIS!!!

Outward Symbols of Internal Scars

Three and a half years ago I got my first tattoo. I had been planning on getting one for over 6 months and I finally got the money and courage to go for it. I ended up going into a tattoo shop on a Saturday since that was their day for walk-ins. It just so happened that the day I got my tattoo was my sister's birthday.

1st tattoo, by Dennis at Artist at Large

About two years ago I decided I wanted to get another one, something for my mum. I had planned to get it while I was visiting her family in Australia but it was a lot more expensive over there than in the U.S. so I waited. I got back to the states in February and started saving my money again. In April of last year I had the money and got my 2nd tattoo on my "little sister's" birthday, 2 days before my dad's birthday.

2nd tattoo, by Tom at Undisputed

I'm not sure how long I've been planning my 3rd tattoo... it's been at least 6 months. I never had the money so I waited. About a month and a half ago I got a promotion and my first thought was that I'd have the money for the tattoo I've been wanting. I happened to have a conversation with a friend who is a tattoo artist and decided I'd get it within a couple weeks... I got my 3rd tattoo yesterday, the day that would have been my mum's 60th birthday had she not died when I was a baby.

My mum, Richard-4, me-a little over a year, and Loralie-7

It's kind of cool that I've ended up getting each tattoo on a family member's birthday. I never really fully planned it, it's just kind of worked out that way, like it was meant to be. It makes the experience even more special.

I had told my friend Kevin at Hell Bomb that I wanted a tree with the roots spreading down around my ankle and a little bird flying away from it. I've always loved trees and birds. My therapist told me that the two are symbolically contradictory, that trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom and wandering. To me the two were perfectly complimentary. The tree is my stability, my safe place where I build my nest and go when the storms are raging, but I am a free-spirited bird that likes to fly away and wander around looking for adventure.

I also wanted the tattoo on my ankle because the ankles are your roots, the tree in a way represents my family tree, but also the tree of life. I've been fascinated with the idea of the tree of life since studying in Guatemala and exploring the Mayan pyramids of Tikal. In the forest surrounding the pyramids there are these huge, towering trees with the roots jutting up above the ground, sometimes the roots alone are up to 10 feet high. The Mayans called these the tree of life because they believed that the roots were the underworld coming up into our world and that the branches of the tree held up the sky. How beautiful.

Guatemala's National Tree, Mayan Tree of Life

I took a few pictures of trees that I liked to Kevin and told him that I wanted to see what he could come up with. When I went in for my appointment yesterday he showed me what he had designed and it was absolutely perfect. It's the first time that I've gotten a tattoo and been happy with the design right away, it didn't need any modification whatsoever. At first I had planned to just have one bird flying away from the tree but Kevin had drawn two birds... I instantly saw them as my mum and my brother who both died in 1987. I would say that this tattoo is everything I wanted, but it's more.

Kevin Wathke at Hell Bomb Tattoo, Wichita, KS

Right after I took the bandage off of my tattoo yesterday I promptly posted a picture to Facebook. I got a lot of comments but the one that stood out to me was, "I trust this is a very healing experience for you. The design is very clever, meaningful, and artful."


Here was my response: "Valerie, you nailed it on the head. Not many people think of it that way, but you're right. The last tattoo I got was also partially for my mum... Both times were like a meditation. I made myself embrace the pain, to simply feel it and react to it minimally because the pain that I experienced while getting my tattoos is nothing compared to the pain of loosing them... The pain of a needle creating art on my body is simply a collection of impulses being sent to my brain. The emotional pain, on the other hand, is something that I always carry with me. It's that pain that has made me stronger and has made me who I am today. For me, getting my last 2 tattoos wasn't simply about decoration and self expression like the first one; they're outward symbols of internal scars. Scars are a mark left by the healing of injured tissue, and when it heals that tissue is tougher. The same is true with the heart."

God I love this tattoo!

Lucky Me

Today was a long, stressful day at work. I wasn't feeling well and we were missing an employee. By the time I got home 8 hours later I was completely exhausted and my shoulders were in knots. Lucky for me, I was about to be well taken care of... Let me tell you why I'm such a lucky lady.

"Put your feet up and relax. Here's a pillow, want the remote? Unwind a bit, you deserve it."

Why, thank you! I propped my feet up, cuddled with the pillow and watched one of my favorite tv shows without interruption. After my show was over a bath was prepared. Wow! 10 candles lit up my bathroom and began to scent the darkened room with soothing vanilla and warm, rich red cherry. A few drops of lavender oil had also been put into the bath and my laptop was softly playing my Bon Iver Pandora station. Mmmmmm! All that was missing was a glass of wine.

I laid in the hot bath for nearly 30 minutes, letting the stress of the day melt away while beautiful music caressed my ears. The knots in my shoulders slowly began to unwind and loosen. I felt truly pampered.

When I got out of the bath I dried off, slipped into my pajamas and went into the living room. My legs, arms and neck were massaged with lotion and I was so grateful to have such a wonderfully relaxing evening.

By now you're probably wondering, "Who is this that's pampering Karen and treating her like a queen? Who is it that's so thoughtful and giving?" You really want to know, don't you? You're on the edge of your seat dying to know all the details, aren't you?

It's me. :) I'm so good to myself, aren't I? haha I'm so good at knowing when I just need to relax and I'm great at meeting my needs. It's like I can read my mind... ;)

No, I don't have a man. But who needs one when I treat myself so well?? HAHA! Sorry, I couldn't help myself, I really had fun leading you down that rabbit hole.

Blah.

Do you ever feel like you're searching for something but you have no idea what it is? You feel like something's missing but can't put your finger on it?

I'm getting restless... AGAIN. This seems to be happening more and more often. Usually I enjoy my job and working on my music and art but sometimes I'm still left feeling like something's missing... I'm still not sure what I want to be doing with my life and where I should be living. Sometimes I'm happy and content but other days I just want to jump out of my skin and disappear.

I was talking to a friend tonight who recently graduated and she was expressing the same distress that I've felt at different times over the past 2 years since I graduated; there are limitless possibilities in front of me, which is exciting and frightening at the same time. Sometimes all the options can be overwhelming and you wish someone else would just decide for you. Someone tell me which city would best suit me! Where can I live that has a temperate climate, great public transportation, city life with lots of live entertainment and access to the great outdoors so I can go hiking???

As far as my art and music are concerned, I feel like I'm in a giant rut right now. I can't sit down and write lyrics worth a shit, I'm so uninspired. I start working on an art piece and get frustrated and stop. I consider going out but I'm just tired of the same old scene. I'm tired of my short hair and I just want it to grow back out. I feel so... listless. Being an adult sucks.

Autopilot

I am so unorganized right now. My life has been pretty chaotic the past month. Right after getting promoted at work we had several people leave and one take a leave of absence. We've been so focused on covering each department that it's been tough to accomplish all the things that need to to be done. Every day when I go to work I have a list of things I want to get done that day... and I never finish the entire list. I have to simply prioritize and just get done what needs to be done first.

Then there's my free time. I'm so mentally drained by the time I get home that I just want to veg out and do nothing. My house is so unorganized. My art hasn't been touched much lately. My lyric book has been largely unopened... until last night.

My band Moulin Roulette has been on hold for about a month or more now since our drummer quit. Last night we worked with a new drummer. Success. We started 2 new songs. I need to get some momentum going and just keep riding it.

Do you ever feel like just tossing everything out the window and starting from scratch? I feel a bit like that right now. Just empty my closet of the vast majority of my clothes and hit the thrift stores. Clear out my fridge and give away most of the food then grow my own. Sometimes I want to do that to my cell phone too. Delete a metric f ton of numbers. Save the numbers of the people who call me and screw the rest.

I just want to clear out the clutter. Cut out the excess. Hit refresh.

I'm in an interesting mood today... I can't even quite put a name to it. I'm not unhappy or happy. I just am. In a way I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing yet at the same time I'm okay with it. I'm just going with the flow. Letting things happen as they will. Allowing the universe to place me where I should be. I kind of feel like I'm on autopilot. There's not much emotion right now honestly. And I'm okay with it. And when it gets to the point when I'm not okay with something, I'll change what I'm doing, redirect my course.

Getting Back on the Bike

Nearly 3 months ago I wrote a blog titled "Early Bird." I was so excited about my new routine of waking up early, exercising, eating right, etc, etc. Honestly it didn't last longer than a month.

Life got busy as my art started receiving more attention and I began planning art shows. Next thing I knew I was being promoted at work. I had to start working a different schedule and familiarizing myself with my new responsibilities. Somewhere along the line I allowed myself to get so swept up in being busy that I let my routine fall to the wayside. I fell off the bike.

While at GCU I gained a couple pounds. The food was good, the beer was abundant and I indulged. I weighed myself the morning after I got home. 139.2 lbs. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and hopefully the heaviest I will ever be. Several years ago I was consistently at 117. That's 22 pounds in... probably 4 years. Roughly 5-6 pounds a year. Unacceptable.

This isn't just about numbers. I know there's no magic number that equates beauty, I'm not swept up in negative self-talk or anything, I just know that I don't feel good. I don't feel healthy anymore. The reason I was so excited when I wrote the blog "Early Bird" was because I felt good. It felt good knowing that I was being productive in the early morning. It felt good cooking food that was both delicious and good for me. It felt good having aching muscles after a great workout.

Last night I was contemplating all these things. At first I thought, "Well that was a failure!" No, saying it's a failure means I accept defeat. I immediately put that word out of my mind and instead I thought, "I need to get back into my routine." Sometimes we may falter, stumble and fall, but we simply need to get back on the bike (literally in this case)!

Instead of going out and partying last night, I went to bed before 9:30. I woke up at 6 a.m. and took Sophie out for a run, took a shower and cooked some eggs for breakfast. I am rededicating myself. Yes, life is busy, but it will always be busy and I'm not willing to sacrifice my health, happiness and peace of mind. My goal is to work out every day in August (even if it's just for 10 minutes). I will start a cleanse and change my diet. NO MORE FAST FOOD!!! And no more alcohol until I've lost 10 pounds. Even after I've gotten back down below 130 the alcohol consumption will be significantly less. It's just empty calories. Plus, whenever I drink I end up eating more (gotta soak up that booze!), not to mention how much hangovers suck. lol

I'm going to plan things out more, schedule in the important things like exercise, cooking, recycling and meditating. I need to re-balance my life. It's time I get back on the bike.

Energetically Exhausted

Does this make sense? I'm so amped up that I'm exhausted.

Guitar Center sent me to Denver this week for training. For those of you who don't know, I was recently promoted to the position of Sales and Training Manager. About 20 STMs (and a couple Assistant Managers) from the region attended GCU (Guitar Center University). We learned a lot about various products, company goals and leadership.

What an awesome week! GCU totally inspired me. I'm more proud to work for the company than ever before. There is so much room for improvement in my store (even though my team already totally rocks!) and it's hard to know where to begin. I met so many really awesome people that help to make this company amazing and we had such a blast! I must say though, I wish I could just sleep for the next 2 days. Being at that super high energy level for 4 days has kind of taken it out of me! haha!

Tomorrow evening (though I'll be posting this after midnight so technically it'll be this evening) I'll be having my 2nd art show. I'm so excited! (and, again, yeah, exhausted.) Come see me at Three Pea Interiors on 2nd and Hydraulic from 5-9 and if you can't make it tomorrow (today) my art will be in the store all month so stop by and check it out! And let me know if you want to buy a piece! Oh, and I totally need help naming this one... any suggestions?

 

 

For some reason it makes me think of the ocean... Hmmm...

Well my friends, I need to get the heck into this bed of mine (though it's not nearly as comfy as the amazing bed at Staybridge Suites). I hope I can see some of you at my art show tomorrow! Also, I hope you all love your jobs as much as I love mine! G'nite!

Post Ladies' Night

Tonight was ladies' night. During ladies' night there are a few topics that inevitably come up, men, weight and fashion. We discuss the men in our lives (or lack there of in my case), the good, the bad, the confusing and everything in between. Someone brings up gaining weight or losing weight, someone mentions how jealous they are of someone's flat stomach (yep, I'm guilty of that one). Lastly, we compliment the outfits/accessories we like. "Where did you get those shoes? They cost HOW much? Wow! What a deal! I love that dress, that necklace, etc..."

I love the nights I have with just my girls. At least I don't have to worry about impressing some man and wondering what he thinks of me, the potential we have, blah blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaahhhhhhh... *yawn*

I wish women were more confident and secure though. I have some of the most beautiful friends and what's crazy is that not all of them realize just how drop dead gorgeous they are! I hate that women in our society have so many negative body images. Why is there so much pressure to have a super flat stomach? HOW MANY GUYS HAVE A FLAT STOMACH?! SERIOUSLY!!! Beer belly. Does it turn you off? Have you ever made out with a guy that has a beer belly? Sure. So why does it matter if you have a tiny bit of a belly too? Why do we have to be so perfect? No one is perfect. Bodies change. 

Internal beauty is eternal.

Now I digress... I hate texting. Yes, we all do it (including me), yes sometimes it's quick and easy but I don't like having entire conversations via text. You can't always appropriately convey/interpret emotion unless you hear the inflection in someone's voice or see their non-verbal communication. Seriously, talk face to face, especially when it's something important!!!!!!

Life is too short. Earlier this week a regular customer at Guitar Center had a heart attack and died. We saw him in the store ALL the time! Yeah, we all knew he had health problems, but he's actually dead. We'll never see him in the store again. That's heavy... Whatever it is that you're feeling, SAY IT! AND SAY IT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!! If you like someone, say it!!!! If you want a raise, want respect, want to escape, just say it. Be true to yourself and speak up. We have language for a reason and we have ears in order to hear. If you want your message to be known, let it be heard. Don't hide behind an impersonal text message, don't be a coward.

Speaking of which, to all the men out there: WOMEN LIKE MEN TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! ******REMEMBER THIS******* C'mon guys, have some balls. Take the bull by the horns. Man up. *insert whatever other cliche fits here*

What has happened to us since the invention of the internet, texting and social media? We avoid face to face interaction because we're able to separate ourselves through a screen... rejection is less personal... but acceptance is often times less personal as well. Take out the middle "man." Remove the screen in between and talk, experience the human race face to face!! Don't take what I'm saying the wrong way. Yes, technology has taken us forward in a lot of ways. Yes, because of technology we can quickly communicate across the globe. All I'm saying is that sometimes we need to put down the phone, get off the internet and simply drive across town and have some face time.