I've been diagnosed. Over the past 4 months or so I've been going to counseling. A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with a mild case of Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder marked by anxiety. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. No one really needs to know my personal plight, yet here I am, living in the age of over-sharing, a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, opening up my emotional baggage for the whole of the internet to see (though I'm sure not many actually read this).
Perhaps I'm telling you this because I know I'm not alone. I know that just because I've been diagnosed with something that is a "disorder," which according to it's definition is "abnormal," it doesn't make me that abnormal. Who's really normal anyway? If anything, I'm normal. It's normal for people who have endured the things I have to be affected by them. It's normal that sometimes the weight on one's shoulders becomes too much. Even the Greek god Atlas needed a break.
Things are slowly getting better though. Baby steps. I keep reminding myself I just need to take baby steps. Focus on one thing at a time. A huge step is behind me now. I'm finally out of the horrible living situation I found myself in. I told Brandi that I refused to be treated with such disrespect and I broke my lease. No more roommates. At least for quite some time. I need my own space. I need a safe haven, a space to myself where I feel zen, calm, relaxed.
I moved into my new duplex last Tuesday. It's only been a week and it already feels like home. It's perfect. And it's mine. All mine. It's amazing how suddenly and completely engulfed in freedom I felt the moment I had every last possession out of that house. My soul felt lighter, the sun broke through the clouds and I was filled with relief.
I've never known someone as mean-spirited, negative and hostile as my last roommate and as much as I wish I'd never lived with her, I know that having been through that was a life experience. I learned that no matter how understanding, compromising and patient you are, you can not change people. Your hope that someone will soften their heart will not be the thing to change their heart. Hope alone can not do that. People must want change for themselves. Though I agree that we must be the change we hope to see in the world, there are some people who are so stubbornly rigid and blind that no matter what you do, it will all fall upon deaf ears and closed eyes.
So you move on as I have. I can only worry about myself right now. I used to hate when people would say you can only worry about yourself, but sometimes it's true. I used to think that "only worrying about myself" meant I was being selfish. But I see the difference now. I will always care about others, I live a life of compassion, but it's a matter of putting on your own oxygen mask first. How can you help someone put their mask on if you've passed out from lack of oxygen? Help yourself to help others.
There are still changes that need to be made in my life and I'm trying to be patient with myself, with the process of baby steps instead of leaps... Btw, I love the band Cake. Random, I know. But I've been sitting here at the Vagabond and songs by them keep popping up and it just makes me smile. Going the Distance is currently playing. Nice.
I'm racing and pacing and plotting my course. Might take me a little while to get to where I want to be, but I'm going the distance. Cheesy, yes, but I love cheese. :)
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I am a Contradiction
I love trees and birds. According to my counselor, trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom. So I crave both??? A part of me wants stability, yes. I want a 9-5 job that pays well, I want to live in the same house for more than a year, I want a stable, healthy relationship with a man. The other part of me wants to just hit the road and tear off my rear-view mirror, live the life of a vagabond, float from place to place, go everywhere, see everything.
Right now I feel as though neither of these is an option. And that makes me depressed. I've been stuck living in purgatory for so long. I'm in no man's land. My social skills feel like they've flown out the window along with my decision making abilities.
I have to move out of the house I'm living in. My roommate is hostile and verbally abusive. I'm scared to have another roommate after Lizzie and this one. Two crazy roommates one after the other. Hell. So what are my options?
-Put my stuff in storage and float around from couch to couch
-Move in with a new roommate
-Get a place of my own
-Join the Air Force?
I don't know. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me which direction to turn in. I can't make this decision right now.
Right now I feel as though neither of these is an option. And that makes me depressed. I've been stuck living in purgatory for so long. I'm in no man's land. My social skills feel like they've flown out the window along with my decision making abilities.
I have to move out of the house I'm living in. My roommate is hostile and verbally abusive. I'm scared to have another roommate after Lizzie and this one. Two crazy roommates one after the other. Hell. So what are my options?
-Put my stuff in storage and float around from couch to couch
-Move in with a new roommate
-Get a place of my own
-Join the Air Force?
I don't know. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me which direction to turn in. I can't make this decision right now.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Life is Short
Lately I've been needing this reminder. Life is short. I've been stressed out about my living situation; my lease isn't up for another 6 months and my roommate is hostile, passive aggressive and OCD. I've been so worried about the situation and it's been eating at me.
But life is short. In the next couple weeks I'll be out of the house and I can leave everything behind and I'll never (hopefully) have to see her again. As I was talking to a friend about the situation tonight I came to a realization. No one can ruin your day but you. Last night I went to the bars thinking, "she's making my life a living hell." Honestly though, my day is only ruined if I allow it to be.
Tonight at work I finally felt like myself again, goofy, silly, and just having fun. I was able to just let go. Let go and enjoy the moment I was in. *sigh* Why is it sometimes so hard to do something so simple? Why do we have to remind ourselves to enjoy life?
My mum died when she was 36. That's 12 years older than I currently am. What if I were to die when I turn 36? Will I be able to say I enjoyed life to the fullest or will I say, man, I should have spent less time worrying? After all, worries are just problems that haven't happened yet. And if it hasn't happened yet, it may not happen at all.
Yeah, things aren't ideal right now, they may never be. But at least I'm alive. I'm learning, growing, waking up and most importantly, I'm giving and receiving love. That's what life's all about. Love. So as much as I think my roommate is crazy, I try really hard to look through the eyes of love and see that she's hurting inside. She's not happy and she's simply projecting her anger onto me.
We simply have to remember that everyone is doing they best that they can, if they could do better, they would. Life is short. Don't worry, be happy. And as my favorite movie says, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
But life is short. In the next couple weeks I'll be out of the house and I can leave everything behind and I'll never (hopefully) have to see her again. As I was talking to a friend about the situation tonight I came to a realization. No one can ruin your day but you. Last night I went to the bars thinking, "she's making my life a living hell." Honestly though, my day is only ruined if I allow it to be.
Tonight at work I finally felt like myself again, goofy, silly, and just having fun. I was able to just let go. Let go and enjoy the moment I was in. *sigh* Why is it sometimes so hard to do something so simple? Why do we have to remind ourselves to enjoy life?
My mum died when she was 36. That's 12 years older than I currently am. What if I were to die when I turn 36? Will I be able to say I enjoyed life to the fullest or will I say, man, I should have spent less time worrying? After all, worries are just problems that haven't happened yet. And if it hasn't happened yet, it may not happen at all.
Yeah, things aren't ideal right now, they may never be. But at least I'm alive. I'm learning, growing, waking up and most importantly, I'm giving and receiving love. That's what life's all about. Love. So as much as I think my roommate is crazy, I try really hard to look through the eyes of love and see that she's hurting inside. She's not happy and she's simply projecting her anger onto me.
We simply have to remember that everyone is doing they best that they can, if they could do better, they would. Life is short. Don't worry, be happy. And as my favorite movie says, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thankfulness
I cried in a McDonald's on Thanksgiving while sitting across from my dad. I knew today would be emotional. The holidays often are.
Today would have been my brother's 28th birthday. He didn't even get to celebrate his 5th birthday. And it was right around this time 23 years ago that my mother disappeared. I've been very aware of these anniversaries all week. Then today my dad said he wouldn't be joining my sister and I at our godparents' house for Thanksgiving lunch. I told him how much this upset me, that Loralie and I are his family and he should be with us, especially today. He said he didn't feel comfortable going and said he'd explain things to me when I got back into town.
I got back around 6pm and dad decided he'd take me to McDonald's for a smoothie while we talked things over. Everything came out. Everything. Everything on my end that is. I was a blubbering mess while my dad sat there silently as usual. I know that he tries to open up emotionally for me, and he did a little but it's just not part of my dad's character to talk in depth about emotions (which at times frustrates me to no end). But it's who he is, and when you love someone you have to learn to accept all the good as well as the bad.
It can be hard to accept our parents sometimes. When we're kids we imagine them to be unstoppable superheroes and it can be quite unsettling when flaws begin to become apparent. My dad is a good man. He's flawed, yes, but who isn't? We're all damaged in our own way. Everyone is doing the best that they can, if they could do better, they would.
Even though I wish I'd gotten more of a response out of my dad, I'm still happy with how the conversation went. I'm happy it happened at all. I can't always expect him to respond, but at least he listens. At least I have him. It was difficult growing up and experiencing all the losses that I did, but at least I still have him.
This Thanksgiving I'm so very thankful for my family. None of them are perfect, but they're mine and I love them. Every day we have in this life is a gift, all we can do is make the most of each moment.
Today would have been my brother's 28th birthday. He didn't even get to celebrate his 5th birthday. And it was right around this time 23 years ago that my mother disappeared. I've been very aware of these anniversaries all week. Then today my dad said he wouldn't be joining my sister and I at our godparents' house for Thanksgiving lunch. I told him how much this upset me, that Loralie and I are his family and he should be with us, especially today. He said he didn't feel comfortable going and said he'd explain things to me when I got back into town.
I got back around 6pm and dad decided he'd take me to McDonald's for a smoothie while we talked things over. Everything came out. Everything. Everything on my end that is. I was a blubbering mess while my dad sat there silently as usual. I know that he tries to open up emotionally for me, and he did a little but it's just not part of my dad's character to talk in depth about emotions (which at times frustrates me to no end). But it's who he is, and when you love someone you have to learn to accept all the good as well as the bad.
It can be hard to accept our parents sometimes. When we're kids we imagine them to be unstoppable superheroes and it can be quite unsettling when flaws begin to become apparent. My dad is a good man. He's flawed, yes, but who isn't? We're all damaged in our own way. Everyone is doing the best that they can, if they could do better, they would.
Even though I wish I'd gotten more of a response out of my dad, I'm still happy with how the conversation went. I'm happy it happened at all. I can't always expect him to respond, but at least he listens. At least I have him. It was difficult growing up and experiencing all the losses that I did, but at least I still have him.
This Thanksgiving I'm so very thankful for my family. None of them are perfect, but they're mine and I love them. Every day we have in this life is a gift, all we can do is make the most of each moment.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Adulthood
Age is not the determining factor on adulthood. I have known plenty of 30+ men and women who are still children. Some people grow in age and not in maturity. I think that is one of the greatest tragedies, to go through life without growing intellectually, emotionally or spiritually.
I remember being a child and hearing people say to my dad, "She's so mature for her age." Many children who experience traumatic events grow up fast, they take on adult responsibilities and gain knowledge of the world in a way their peers do not understand. Even though I was "mature for my age" I still remember thinking how odd it felt to call myself a woman instead of a girl, something I don't think I did until I was probably 22. Medically, I'd already been a "woman" for 10 years but I remember thinking of that label as something so much more. There was no giant right of passage, no ceremonial initiation into womanhood, it was a slow emotional and intellectual transformation.
I feel myself becoming more of an adult lately, especially in the later half of this year. I see myself making better decisions and learning from my mistakes (learning more and learning quicker instead of having to make the same mistake a couple times before correcting it). I think of myself less and consider others more. I accept responsibility and am not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. I think these are the things it means to be an adult.
But don't worry, I still know how to look at the world through the eyes of a child full of wonder. ;)
I remember being a child and hearing people say to my dad, "She's so mature for her age." Many children who experience traumatic events grow up fast, they take on adult responsibilities and gain knowledge of the world in a way their peers do not understand. Even though I was "mature for my age" I still remember thinking how odd it felt to call myself a woman instead of a girl, something I don't think I did until I was probably 22. Medically, I'd already been a "woman" for 10 years but I remember thinking of that label as something so much more. There was no giant right of passage, no ceremonial initiation into womanhood, it was a slow emotional and intellectual transformation.
I feel myself becoming more of an adult lately, especially in the later half of this year. I see myself making better decisions and learning from my mistakes (learning more and learning quicker instead of having to make the same mistake a couple times before correcting it). I think of myself less and consider others more. I accept responsibility and am not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. I think these are the things it means to be an adult.
But don't worry, I still know how to look at the world through the eyes of a child full of wonder. ;)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Student of the World
We are the summation of our experiences and what we learn from them.
Another year is almost over. Where did 2010 go? It feels like I was just in Australia yesterday, discovering more about my dead mother, her past, my past, beginning a crazy journey of self discovery.
I remember having a conversation with a friend shortly before leaving the country at the end of 2009. We were talking about what we had learned that year. I failed to write it down then, so this year I will.
I have spent this year waking up in so many ways, waking up to my potential, my strength and my inner peace. I am learning to just breathe. Life is so short. Blink and a year's gone by. I'm through with selling myself short and accepting mediocrity over the greatness I'm capable of. I've learned to be okay with "alone." I've learned to look so much deeper into others' souls. I have learned the importance of balance.
Most importantly, this year I learned that it's okay that I miss my mum so much it hurts sometimes. Through counseling and reading the book "Motherless Daughters" I have learned that it is very common for women to re-experience the trauma of a mother's loss when they are going through transitional phases in their lives; graduating/beginning a new career, getting married, having children, etc. Mothers are our source of comfort, shelter and provision. We emulate our mothers. But how does a woman emulate someone who she never knew? I am learning to make myself. I am learning to let go, but not forget.
I have learned so much yet I know there is still so much left for me to learn. And it makes me so excited. :) I crave growth, knowledge, insight, understanding. I am eager to see who else will cross my path, who I will embrace and what I will learn from them. I refuse to stand still and become complacent. I am a constant work in progress and I love it.
Another year is almost over. Where did 2010 go? It feels like I was just in Australia yesterday, discovering more about my dead mother, her past, my past, beginning a crazy journey of self discovery.
I remember having a conversation with a friend shortly before leaving the country at the end of 2009. We were talking about what we had learned that year. I failed to write it down then, so this year I will.
I have spent this year waking up in so many ways, waking up to my potential, my strength and my inner peace. I am learning to just breathe. Life is so short. Blink and a year's gone by. I'm through with selling myself short and accepting mediocrity over the greatness I'm capable of. I've learned to be okay with "alone." I've learned to look so much deeper into others' souls. I have learned the importance of balance.
Most importantly, this year I learned that it's okay that I miss my mum so much it hurts sometimes. Through counseling and reading the book "Motherless Daughters" I have learned that it is very common for women to re-experience the trauma of a mother's loss when they are going through transitional phases in their lives; graduating/beginning a new career, getting married, having children, etc. Mothers are our source of comfort, shelter and provision. We emulate our mothers. But how does a woman emulate someone who she never knew? I am learning to make myself. I am learning to let go, but not forget.
I have learned so much yet I know there is still so much left for me to learn. And it makes me so excited. :) I crave growth, knowledge, insight, understanding. I am eager to see who else will cross my path, who I will embrace and what I will learn from them. I refuse to stand still and become complacent. I am a constant work in progress and I love it.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Road Map to Happiness
I was told by a friend that I need to give serious thought as to what makes me happy and then make steps to work toward being happier...
I haven't felt quite like me lately. I consider myself to be a happy-go-lucky, bubbly and energetic person. In spite of the hardships I've endured in my life, I'm a very positive, hopeful person. Lately, however, I've been allowing stress and worry to weigh me down. I need to move forward and get out from under this cloud of tension.
Happiness. What makes me happy? More importantly, what will help me to feel balanced? If one aspect of self is lacking it can throw the whole thing off balance. I once saw a diagram depicting the different elements of self... I hope I'm not forgetting one but these are each areas that need attention in order to have balance:
Social
Spiritual
Creative
Professional
Intellectual
Physical
Emotional
I feel as though too many of these areas have been lacking. I need to make time for each area. I need to eat healthier, make time for yoga at least 3 times a week, pick my guitar back up and take lessons once a week, practicing at least 3 times a week, meditate daily. I need to take more time to work on me.
I haven't felt quite like me lately. I consider myself to be a happy-go-lucky, bubbly and energetic person. In spite of the hardships I've endured in my life, I'm a very positive, hopeful person. Lately, however, I've been allowing stress and worry to weigh me down. I need to move forward and get out from under this cloud of tension.
Happiness. What makes me happy? More importantly, what will help me to feel balanced? If one aspect of self is lacking it can throw the whole thing off balance. I once saw a diagram depicting the different elements of self... I hope I'm not forgetting one but these are each areas that need attention in order to have balance:
Social
Spiritual
Creative
Professional
Intellectual
Physical
Emotional
I feel as though too many of these areas have been lacking. I need to make time for each area. I need to eat healthier, make time for yoga at least 3 times a week, pick my guitar back up and take lessons once a week, practicing at least 3 times a week, meditate daily. I need to take more time to work on me.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Life After Graduation
Since this is my first blog post I'm trying to decide where to start... Usually the best place to start is at the beginning but the beginning for me is very complicated. The first 4 years of my life were full of chaos, which explains my intense desire for stability and the stress I'm currently experiencing from a lack of such.
I graduated from college a year and a half ago. Almost as soon as I got my diploma I was hit with an intense feeling of identity crisis. I'm done with college, now what? Who am I, what direction do I go in now, how do I begin to make my childhood dreams come true? The companies I was seeking employment with all responded the same way, "We want someone with more experience." 2009. What a crappy time to graduate. I was suddenly confronted with limited and endless possibilities at the same time; I felt like a giant contradiction. I was limited due to the poor job economy, yet not having a corporate, degree-related job opened up so many other possibilities.
Since graduating I've gone skydiving, sang in a band for a year, traveled to Australia for 6 weeks, moved 4 times, started meditating and maxed out a credit card. I'm not sure which direction to turn in. I want so badly to just pour myself into my music but at the same time I need a job that pays more than a guitar store so I don't have to keep relying on financial aid from my dad.
All the stress of becoming an adult has been exasperated even more by the absence of my mother. (Her death was part of the chaos in the first 4 years of my life, a story for another time.) Even though I've been without her for nearly my entire life, I miss her most right now. Now, when I feel so lost and uncertain, I'm like a child who needs her mommy for comfort and reassurance.
I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading this blog or if it will simply be my personal outlet as I attempt to understand myself better and find my way. If there are readers, thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave comments, I believe there is something to be learned from each person and I value any pearls of wisdom I can get.
I graduated from college a year and a half ago. Almost as soon as I got my diploma I was hit with an intense feeling of identity crisis. I'm done with college, now what? Who am I, what direction do I go in now, how do I begin to make my childhood dreams come true? The companies I was seeking employment with all responded the same way, "We want someone with more experience." 2009. What a crappy time to graduate. I was suddenly confronted with limited and endless possibilities at the same time; I felt like a giant contradiction. I was limited due to the poor job economy, yet not having a corporate, degree-related job opened up so many other possibilities.
Since graduating I've gone skydiving, sang in a band for a year, traveled to Australia for 6 weeks, moved 4 times, started meditating and maxed out a credit card. I'm not sure which direction to turn in. I want so badly to just pour myself into my music but at the same time I need a job that pays more than a guitar store so I don't have to keep relying on financial aid from my dad.
All the stress of becoming an adult has been exasperated even more by the absence of my mother. (Her death was part of the chaos in the first 4 years of my life, a story for another time.) Even though I've been without her for nearly my entire life, I miss her most right now. Now, when I feel so lost and uncertain, I'm like a child who needs her mommy for comfort and reassurance.
I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading this blog or if it will simply be my personal outlet as I attempt to understand myself better and find my way. If there are readers, thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave comments, I believe there is something to be learned from each person and I value any pearls of wisdom I can get.
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