Going the Distance

I've been diagnosed. Over the past 4 months or so I've been going to counseling. A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with a mild case of Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder marked by anxiety. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. No one really needs to know my personal plight, yet here I am, living in the age of over-sharing, a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, opening up my emotional baggage for the whole of the internet to see (though I'm sure not many actually read this).

Perhaps I'm telling you this because I know I'm not alone. I know that just because I've been diagnosed with something that is a "disorder," which according to it's definition is "abnormal," it doesn't make me that abnormal. Who's really normal anyway? If anything, I'm normal. It's normal for people who have endured the things I have to be affected by them. It's normal that sometimes the weight on one's shoulders becomes too much. Even the Greek god Atlas needed a break.

Things are slowly getting better though. Baby steps. I keep reminding myself I just need to take baby steps. Focus on one thing at a time. A huge step is behind me now. I'm finally out of the horrible living situation I found myself in. I told Brandi that I refused to be treated with such disrespect and I broke my lease. No more roommates. At least for quite some time. I need my own space. I need a safe haven, a space to myself where I feel zen, calm, relaxed.

I moved into my new duplex last Tuesday. It's only been a week and it already feels like home. It's perfect. And it's mine. All mine. It's amazing how suddenly and completely engulfed in freedom I felt the moment I had every last possession out of that house. My soul felt lighter, the sun broke through the clouds and I was filled with relief.

I've never known someone as mean-spirited, negative and hostile as my last roommate and as much as I wish I'd never lived with her, I know that having been through that was a life experience. I learned that no matter how understanding, compromising and patient you are, you can not change people. Your hope that someone will soften their heart will not be the thing to change their heart. Hope alone can not do that. People must want change for themselves. Though I agree that we must be the change we hope to see in the world, there are some people who are so stubbornly rigid and blind that no matter what you do, it will all fall upon deaf ears and closed eyes.

So you move on as I have. I can only worry about myself right now. I used to hate when people would say you can only worry about yourself, but sometimes it's true. I used to think that "only worrying about myself" meant I was being selfish. But I see the difference now. I will always care about others, I live a life of compassion, but it's a matter of putting on your own oxygen mask first. How can you help someone put their mask on if you've passed out from lack of oxygen? Help yourself to help others.

There are still changes that need to be made in my life and I'm trying to be patient with myself, with the process of baby steps instead of leaps... Btw, I love the band Cake. Random, I know. But I've been sitting here at the Vagabond and songs by them keep popping up and it just makes me smile. Going the Distance is currently playing. Nice.

I'm racing and pacing and plotting my course. Might take me a little while to get to where I want to be, but I'm going the distance. Cheesy, yes, but I love cheese. :)