Since this is my first blog post I'm trying to decide where to start... Usually the best place to start is at the beginning but the beginning for me is very complicated. The first 4 years of my life were full of chaos, which explains my intense desire for stability and the stress I'm currently experiencing from a lack of such.
I graduated from college a year and a half ago. Almost as soon as I got my diploma I was hit with an intense feeling of identity crisis. I'm done with college, now what? Who am I, what direction do I go in now, how do I begin to make my childhood dreams come true? The companies I was seeking employment with all responded the same way, "We want someone with more experience." 2009. What a crappy time to graduate. I was suddenly confronted with limited and endless possibilities at the same time; I felt like a giant contradiction. I was limited due to the poor job economy, yet not having a corporate, degree-related job opened up so many other possibilities.
Since graduating I've gone skydiving, sang in a band for a year, traveled to Australia for 6 weeks, moved 4 times, started meditating and maxed out a credit card. I'm not sure which direction to turn in. I want so badly to just pour myself into my music but at the same time I need a job that pays more than a guitar store so I don't have to keep relying on financial aid from my dad.
All the stress of becoming an adult has been exasperated even more by the absence of my mother. (Her death was part of the chaos in the first 4 years of my life, a story for another time.) Even though I've been without her for nearly my entire life, I miss her most right now. Now, when I feel so lost and uncertain, I'm like a child who needs her mommy for comfort and reassurance.
I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading this blog or if it will simply be my personal outlet as I attempt to understand myself better and find my way. If there are readers, thank you for reading. Please feel free to leave comments, I believe there is something to be learned from each person and I value any pearls of wisdom I can get.
Oh, Karen. How I wish I had some pearls of wisdom. I felt, make that feel, exactly the same way. I can do almost anything, but no one will give me a chance. So I got fed up and went back to school. I'll graduate in the spring again, and honestly, I don't think I'll be in any better shape. I try to stay positive but there's only so many times you can smile in the face of adversity.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just wanted to let you know that I know where you're coming from and I'll be reading!