Awkwardness

Sometimes I feel so darn awkward. Webster defines "awkward" as lacking ease or grace, a lack of skill or expertness, causing embarrassment.

HAHAHA! Yes. That can most definitely be me. I embarrass myself at work often when I do/sing/say something crazy, forgetting that there are a lot of people in the store who don't know me and my anecdotes (though I think my coworkers are more embarrassed by my silliness than I am).

So when am I most awkward? Around men. In particular, men I like. Then again, who isn't awkward when they're around someone they like (at least to some degree)? There is currently one man that makes me nervously awkward at times. After all, nice, cute, smart guys are rare like unicorns and people aren't used to seeing unicorns up close, they only hear about them in stories. I bet most people would be awkward around unicorns at first. "Wow. Am I tripping on something? Is there really a unicorn in front of me? Sh-should I pet it? Is it okay to ride it? Dude, I can't stop staring, it's a friggin UNICORN! HOLY CRAP!" ... but I digress. Hopefully he isn't too aware of my awkwardness, though if he's reading this he is now at least. haha "Hi! I'm awkward!" Is it awkward that I'm talking about this on my blog? Sure. So why not write about it for everyone to see? It's less awkward if it's talked about, right? ......Right?

Awkward. Lacking ease, grace or expertness. I am slightly awkward when it comes to dating/seeing/talking to/whatever you want to call the first phase of "getting to know someone you like." Why? Lack of expertness mostly. I haven't been in a committed relationship in about 2 years. I haven't been on this bike in a while. Plus, the last two relationships I had were spent mostly apart since they were in the Army (dating guys in the Army was my first mistake lol). So it's been even longer since I've been in a "normal" relationship. Ya know, the kind where someone says, "I like you," then you go on dates, get to know each other by spending time together, finding out each others' likes/dislikes/beliefs/values/hopes/plans/dreams/all the stuff that makes you you and them them, taking things slow, doing things the right way, building a healthy foundation.

Yeah, been a while since I've done that. I lack expertness. I'm just hoping my awkwardness is an endearing quirk and not a bothersome discomfort. Meh. I am who I am. I over-think things (which lends to my awkwardness too). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm hopping back on the bike, trying not to wobble as I find my balance and find my footing. Bear with me as I make wide turns and fumble with the gears and my bike helmet slips down over my eyes, I'll get the hang of it, embrace my awkwardness and will slowly move along with more ease, grace and expertness.

The Winds of Change

You gotta love (or, uh, hate?) the Kansas weather. Just over a week ago we got a foot of snow and then we're hit with weather like the past couple days, nearly 70 degrees in the middle of February. What's the old saying? If you don't like the Kansas weather, wait a few days. Hmmm... I like that saying... Really it can be applied to so much. "If you don't like ________, wait a few days." Things change so quickly.

I can feel some changes coming and it makes me excited. I will start my career this year. Perhaps very soon if things go as I hope. So much has changed for me this past year already. For the first time in a long time I feel very certain of and comfortable in who I am. It's about time! I mean, I still don't have it all figured out, but I've come to understand that NO ONE will EVER have it all figured out. If you had everything figured out where would the fun be in life? There would be nothing left to learn. And the only certainty is that life is uncertain. Always.

I used to spend so much time planning for and worrying about the future. Yes, it's still good to have some plans, but I've learned to put flexibility in those plans and to accept that some of those plans may never happen. GOOD! Surprises are the spice of life. And sometimes it's good when things don't go according to plan. THANK GOD I did not end up marrying my ex-fiance as I had planned to. My life is so much better due to that plan falling through. I wasn't ready. I hadn't gotten to know myself enough yet.

Know thyself. Best quote. Thanks Socrates. (Btw, how many of you just read that as "So-crates?" lol Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Classic!)

Cheers to change. I welcome it happily and I hope you do too. How have you changed lately? How do you hope to change? I hope that we all take the change that comes our way and accept it. Even if it's a change that seems to be for the worse, there is always some good to come out of it, sometimes you just have to look really REALLY hard. Learn from every experience and embrace change.

The World is a Stage

**Started writing this a week ago**

And I need to get back up there. GOD! I MISS BEING ON STAGE!!! It's been just over 6 months since I've sung on stage. Half a year. After spending a year doing at least 4 gigs a month, sometimes as many as 10, these past 6 months have felt like a drought, a withdrawal. I need my fix. I need that escape.

Performing is the best high. It's such a rush. When I'm up on stage I don't think about anything but the music. All my worries, stress, annoyances, whatever, it all just disappears and gets lost in the mix. The bass pushes it all down. The treble soars up high and drowns out all the inner dialogue. Performing is my addiction, my release. All that bottled up rage, sadness, passion, it just explodes against my vocal chords. And it's the best feeling in the world.

I need a guitarist. Please God, send me a guitarist. One who will be able to translate what's in my head onto the fretboard.

**Current update**

What are the odds that just days after writing this I hear from a friend who is great at guitar? I went over to Carlos' house Friday night and we completed a song I started working on back in June. And it sounds great. Then on Monday I went to the open mic night at Blue Lounge and was back on stage for the first time in 6 months. Granted I only performed 4 songs, but it felt so great.

I needed these things to happen this week. Here's hoping this momentum keeps up.

Men and Dogs

I'm totally fine with being single. I actually really enjoy being single. It's fun going on dates occasionally, flirting, having only myself to worry about. But there are days, or sometimes just moments, when I find myself thinking how nice it would be to have someone.

Blah. I just need to get a dog. I have way too much stuff going on in my life right now anyway. I don't need or want a relationship right now. I just want a cuddle buddy. And that's impossible with men. Men can't just cuddle. Nope. Dogs can. Dogs cuddle up and fall asleep on the bed. They don't even expect you to rub their belly all night. They just want to be close to you and they won't complain about having to warm your cold feet, they do it gladly. They don't cause drama, put you down or cheat on you. Dogs aren't just man's best friend, dogs are a single woman's best friend. Therefore, I need a dog.

I don't need a boyfriend, just a dog. We can do fun things together, go for runs, play ball, take walks in the park, cuddle up and watch a movie, whatever I want to do. :) Sounds perfect. So with my 25th birthday approaching, a great gift idea for any of my friends would be money to buy me a lap dog. I need a cuddle puppy.

New Resolve

***I started writing this on January 1st and am finally finishing/posting it***

Good riddance to 2010. What a crappy year. The optimistic side of me does acknowledge that everything happens for a reason though. I've learned a lot this year. As I say, if you don't learn from your experiences then they happen in vain. Still, I'm happy for a new year, new beginnings, new adventures.

I find the psychological response to a new year very fascinating. Really, it's just another day in the sequence of time. And although it's just another day, so many of us look at it as a reset button, a new beginning. We make resolutions to change, to better ourselves and our lives. I used to think it was silly, it's just another day, you can choose any day to make a change for the better. It makes sense though. There's finality. There's change. We all have to get used to writing 2011 now.

I like that I can have this new beginning. I need some change in my life. This year is going to be great. Yes, some bad things may happen, but it's still going to be great, it already is. I have a new place all to myself, I have wonderful, amazing friends and this year I will take more risks. I'm going to take some leaps of faith. I'm going to be daring. Most of all, I will be happy. I will focus on the positive and I will be zen.

Happy New Year. Enjoy 2011 to the fullest.

Going the Distance

I've been diagnosed. Over the past 4 months or so I've been going to counseling. A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with a mild case of Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder marked by anxiety. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. No one really needs to know my personal plight, yet here I am, living in the age of over-sharing, a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, opening up my emotional baggage for the whole of the internet to see (though I'm sure not many actually read this).

Perhaps I'm telling you this because I know I'm not alone. I know that just because I've been diagnosed with something that is a "disorder," which according to it's definition is "abnormal," it doesn't make me that abnormal. Who's really normal anyway? If anything, I'm normal. It's normal for people who have endured the things I have to be affected by them. It's normal that sometimes the weight on one's shoulders becomes too much. Even the Greek god Atlas needed a break.

Things are slowly getting better though. Baby steps. I keep reminding myself I just need to take baby steps. Focus on one thing at a time. A huge step is behind me now. I'm finally out of the horrible living situation I found myself in. I told Brandi that I refused to be treated with such disrespect and I broke my lease. No more roommates. At least for quite some time. I need my own space. I need a safe haven, a space to myself where I feel zen, calm, relaxed.

I moved into my new duplex last Tuesday. It's only been a week and it already feels like home. It's perfect. And it's mine. All mine. It's amazing how suddenly and completely engulfed in freedom I felt the moment I had every last possession out of that house. My soul felt lighter, the sun broke through the clouds and I was filled with relief.

I've never known someone as mean-spirited, negative and hostile as my last roommate and as much as I wish I'd never lived with her, I know that having been through that was a life experience. I learned that no matter how understanding, compromising and patient you are, you can not change people. Your hope that someone will soften their heart will not be the thing to change their heart. Hope alone can not do that. People must want change for themselves. Though I agree that we must be the change we hope to see in the world, there are some people who are so stubbornly rigid and blind that no matter what you do, it will all fall upon deaf ears and closed eyes.

So you move on as I have. I can only worry about myself right now. I used to hate when people would say you can only worry about yourself, but sometimes it's true. I used to think that "only worrying about myself" meant I was being selfish. But I see the difference now. I will always care about others, I live a life of compassion, but it's a matter of putting on your own oxygen mask first. How can you help someone put their mask on if you've passed out from lack of oxygen? Help yourself to help others.

There are still changes that need to be made in my life and I'm trying to be patient with myself, with the process of baby steps instead of leaps... Btw, I love the band Cake. Random, I know. But I've been sitting here at the Vagabond and songs by them keep popping up and it just makes me smile. Going the Distance is currently playing. Nice.

I'm racing and pacing and plotting my course. Might take me a little while to get to where I want to be, but I'm going the distance. Cheesy, yes, but I love cheese. :)

I am a Contradiction

I love trees and birds. According to my counselor, trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom. So I crave both??? A part of me wants stability, yes. I want a 9-5 job that pays well, I want to live in the same house for more than a year, I want a stable, healthy relationship with a man. The other part of me wants to just hit the road and tear off my rear-view mirror, live the life of a vagabond, float from place to place, go everywhere, see everything.

Right now I feel as though neither of these is an option. And that makes me depressed. I've been stuck living in purgatory for so long. I'm in no man's land. My social skills feel like they've flown out the window along with my decision making abilities.

I have to move out of the house I'm living in. My roommate is hostile and verbally abusive. I'm scared to have another roommate after Lizzie and this one. Two crazy roommates one after the other. Hell. So what are my options?
-Put my stuff in storage and float around from couch to couch
-Move in with a new roommate
-Get a place of my own
-Join the Air Force?

I don't know. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me which direction to turn in. I can't make this decision right now.