My Epiphany

I haven't updated my blog for over three months. Wow. I guess I've been so busy that I haven't had time to stop and talk about it. The past 6 months have been a whirlwind. I can't believe I've already been in Omaha for half a year. I knew it would take a while to get settled in but I had no idea the transition period would be this long.

Since my last entry I have moved into a long term apartment, started seeing someone new and started working out again. Little pieces of normalcy are finding their way back to my life ever so slowly, settling in to complete the puzzle. I love Omaha and I finally feel at home again.

So, sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been a bit busy. But you know what? I think I know the real reason I haven't updated this blog lately. In fact, I just had an epiphany... The crisis is over. My Quarter Life Crisis has been all about finding myself, finding my purpose, my direction in life. I know who I am. I know what I want. I know which direction I want to go in. I've never been more sure of something in my life.

I guess this means I'll start a new blog. I don't know what it will be yet so I'll keep writing on here until I do. If you have any suggestions for what you think the topic of my new blog should be, leave a comment and let me know.

I have to admit, it feels pretty great knowing that the crisis is over. :) I'm so excited for what lies ahead.

Silver Linings

I suppose I should consider these first 2-3 months in Nebraska an initiation, a test of fortitude. There have been so many road blocks, speed bumps, and days of rain (metaphorically speaking). Many times it has been difficult to keep my chin up, to stay positive and not focus on the stress. Enough is enough, I'm done being mopey and feeling sorry for myself, that's not who I am. I've always said that negativity is a cancer... Unfortunately I let it grow for a while. Last night I decided it was time to remove the tumor that had built up. I've always been an upbeat, positive person, it's time for me to get back to who I am. I refuse to allow myself to play the victim or wallow In the "poor me's." My car broke down last week, just 2 weeks after finally getting it back from a month in the shop after some guy ran a red light and hit my car. It's a good thing I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself last night, otherwise today would've been ruined after getting a call from the shop I took my car to. The call I got was to inform me that I need a new transmission and possibly a new clutch... Best case scenario it will cost me $3,000. Worse case scenario, it will be $3,500. So here are my silver linings. I got my car for about $3,000 less than it is actually worth. My bank is going to let me take more out on my loan. I plan to trade this car in for a cheaper one to diminish my debt. I also found out from the bank that my credit score has significantly increased in the past year. Soon I will be looking for a new place to live (my short term lease is almost up) and a new car as well. Yes, it's a little stressful, but hey, it could always be worse.

Moving Away From Home

A month ago today I moved to Omaha, Nebraska for another promotion through Guitar Center, my 3rd one in less than 2 years with the company. Everyone kept telling me how brave I am to move to a new city all by myself. I knew it would be a challenge but I didn't really get why they were saying I was brave... Until now.

I wasn't expecting to be sick my first week and a half here, have a guy run a red light and hit me a week ago, or lock myself out of my apartment one morning. This move has thrown off my groove. Holy hell did I underestimate how huge this adjustment would be!

I Don't Know This City

I came to visit Omaha a couple times before moving here. I was really excited because it's a bit bigger than Wichita but still has the friendly Midwest mentality. This city also has more to offer in fine arts (big bonus for a musician/artist/thespian)! While visiting I also found plenty of options for vegetarian dinning and discovered that two neighborhoods have community gardens. It seemed like a perfect fit!

What I quickly discovered after moving here is that although the city has a lot to offer, I don't know where any of it is. Yes, the internet helps, but I found myself not having a clue where to go for even the most mundane, every day things like where to get gas, where to go grocery shopping, clothes shopping (I need thrift stores!) and don't even get me started on where to live.

I Don't Know This Crew

I spent nearly 2 years at the same Guitar Center, with the same boss and (for the most part) the same coworkers. I knew which training methods worked with which sales associate, I knew their communication styles, I knew my customers. I'm now adjusting to new personalities, a bigger store, different priorities. I'm getting to know them and they're getting to know me.

I'm Alone

Yes, I can call my family and friends but it's different when you can't just stop by to see them or catch up over your lunch break. Usually a new job brings insta-friends, and while I have hung out with some of my coworkers, being a supervisor means keeping a certain level of detachment. And, oh yeah, to top it all off, being alone has drudged up all the pain of loosing my mother... again.

At first I was frustrated and angry with myself, saying I shouldn't be such a baby, after all, mum died 24 years ago. But yesterday it all came to a head, I reached the final boiling point and it all spilled over. Luckily I received a phone call from Sonja and she helped me to process what I was feeling. I can't express how thankful I am to have her in my life...

The truth is, you never get over that kind of loss and it can come back suddenly at times, especially when you're going through a major life event. All of a sudden I recalled all the things I'd read in the book "Motherless Daughters" and I knew it was okay to feel this way. When life is scary and you don't know what to do, primal instinct makes you want to turn to your first source of safety, your mother's arms. But what do you do when that's not an option?

Learning, Growing and Adjusting

"A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." My District Sales Manager said this to me the other day. He is such a great mentor and I'm so glad he shared that with me. I may feel lost, alone and confused right now but I know that everything we experience is a learning opportunity, and I'm not going to waste that opportunity. I'm trying to be more kind to myself, to give myself the time I need to adjust, to heal, to grow. These days are just growing pains and this too shall pass.

Held at Arm's Length

Damn it. I can't sleep. And I'm hormonal. Great combination...

As I was laying awake in bed, a thought crossed my mind... Why is it that many of the people I care about most in my life are so emotionally guarded/don't communicate about their feelings?

I feel the walls they put up. I feel myself being held at arm's length... and it hurts.

Maybe it's the hormones... Maybe it's the fact that I'm away from home and the loneliness is starting to sink in... Or maybe I just can't take it anymore... I keep trying to decide which it is.

Life is too damn short. "Be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I have to say this, I have to get this off my chest. I wish I could say it face to face but I don't know when I'll be home next. I could say it over the phone but I have to get it out now if I have any hope of sleeping at all tonight... I understand, things happen in life, it messes with our psychology and our hearts, it makes us create defense mechanisms... But if you hide behind those walls forever you will miss out on some pretty great stuff.

So much of my life has left me feeling lost. From the beginning my life was defined by loss... and not just loss, tragic loss; you don't want to know all the details of the ways these people died... I lost my brother, my mum, the babysitter whose house had a bed permanently set aside for me and my sister, my dad got re-married and it ended months later in an annulment. Three mother figures in and out of my life within the first FOUR YEARS, critical developmental years. To top it all off, my single parent was a pilot, gone all the time, different cities all the time, no consistency. I had a Disneyland dad, and a sister 6 years older and in a different developmental stage in life.

Consistency, why didn't I ever have it? High school... God, I don't want to go into what happened then... I'll just say that I felt abandoned by my own father and at the end of my junior year I moved in with my Godparents, my non-parent parents who helped to raise me. And though I was involved in family events and holidays (and still am) I was never really a member of that family... almost, but not really.

After college I felt lost again, detached from my ancestry, heritage, and roots. I felt incomplete, a half of a whole. I maxed out a credit card to try to discover my other half on the other side of the world. And now I feel the scared, confused child welling up inside me again and I DON'T LIKE IT! I'm stronger than this, but when you push away it makes me feel weak... I'm too weak to fight those walls. I don't want to fight those walls! I can't stand being shut out any more. I open myself to you and you shut me out. How much more can you push me away when I'm already gone?

.............. deep breath .....................

All anyone wants is to be loved. They say if you love yourself, that's enough. I love myself. I accept myself just as I am. I have more self confidence now than when I was 20 pounds lighter, a tiny insecure girl. Maybe loving myself should be enough but we're social creatures, we need community, family, support for the times we're too tired. Being alone and not being let in are two entirely different things.

I'm okay with being alone, but I am not okay with being shut out and held at arm's length. Please, please, let me in.

Adventure Time

I'm sitting on my bed in my new apartment in Omaha, Nebraska with my pup by my side. Boxes clutter every room, my armchair is in the kitchen, and I have no idea what got thrown into which box! Hahaha! It's funny how the reality of everything is sinking in so slowly... For the first time in my life I have moved away from home, I only know a handful of people in this city, and am familiar with only a few of the main roads.

Honestly I thought I'd be more emotional about it; after all, I've always been a deeply emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn't cry on my last day of work in Wichita or as I hit the road in a U-Haul filled with all of my stuff. At first I thought the reason for this was that I haven't had the time. I've been busy packing, saying goodbyes, and trying to get over the cold I came down with the day before I had to move. However I think the reason for it is that I know I'm up for the challenge.

I have been given my 3rd promotion in under 2 years of working at Guitar Center. I still have the same job title of Sales and Training Manager but I've been given a huge opportunity! The store in Omaha is brand new, it's only been open for about 10 months and attached to it is Guitar Center Studios, which is used for lessons and rehearsal space. This is the perfect next step as I progress in my career and I'm honored to be the one who was picked.

Time to start unpacking and welcome in this new chapter in my life!

Picture from my first trip to the new store, standing next to my rental car. ;)

An Epic Saga

Life has been really busy lately. Big changes are on the horizon and life is moving fast. Despite the dash of craziness, however, I feel great! I've been doing a lot better about keeping a routine. Since the beginning of the year I've lost 5 pounds and on average have worked out 3 times a week. I've been getting to work earlier. I've been going to bed earlier. I'm going out to eat less. So even though some changes are coming, at least I feel as though I've got a rhythm.

Speaking of changes, my birthday is in 2 weeks. I'm going to be 26. It's so weird to look back at the past, at the person I once was. I've changed so much at different points in my life that it's almost as if I've lived multiple lives within this one. Each phase of my life is like a chapter to a saga. There have already been so many different chapters, it makes me wonder how many more the book will contain until finally those two words appear... the end. I've thought about writing a book about my life some day, especially about my mother, but I have no idea where I would even begin to collect it all together in a cohesive and relevant collection.

Do you ever look back at parts of your past and it seems like they didn't really happen to you? It's as if the memories that you go over in your head aren't really your own memories, they almost feel borrowed, not really belonging to you. Sometimes it feels like watching a movie you've already seen; you know the plot, you know the story line, you may relate to it, but it feels distant and detached. It's so bizarre. How do you explain that? Is it like that for everyone? Is that what getting older feels like?

As I think of my life, my birth, my aging, and my inevitable death, all I can say is that when it's time for the end, I hope others will be able to say that my saga was truly epic.

Self Discipline

Lately I have been thinking a lot about self discipline, self discipline in regards to money, diet, exercise, and sleep schedule, among other things. Why is it that sometimes it can be so difficult to keep yourself disciplined? We stay up late when we should be getting rest, go out to eat instead of taking time to cook, skip the gym in order to sleep in, spend instead of save. We've all been guilty of it, some more than others, and yes, I'm taking some blame here too.

Our culture in America reinforces the sentiment, "I want it and I want it now." This mindset is a globally-spreading virus. The internet brings all of our desires within reach, fast food restaurants fill our ever-expanding bellies in a matter of minutes, credit cards allow us to buy now with money we don't even have. We gorge ourselves on incessant instant gratification.

Perhaps this is why self discipline can be so difficult. Why wake up now when you can hit snooze a dozen times? Why work for 30 minutes on a healthy, delicious meal when you can belly-up to the trough, um, I mean, buffet? Why scrimp and save and work a second job for that shiny status symbol when you can simply whip out the plastic, enslaving yourself to debt? And why on Earth would you go to the gym several days a week in order to lose weight when you can just go have someone stick a hose in your fat and suck it out of your body? Don't worry, it's normal. It's the American way... right?

I look around and see a bunch of overgrown toddlers throwing temper tantrums when they don't get their way, expecting everyone else to do the work for them, wanting everything to simply be handed to them without having to work for it. Our country is full of spoiled rotten children.

We all went to school with that kid (hell, maybe you were that kid) whose parents bought them a brand new *insert favorite sports car here* as soon as they turned 16. Little Miss Priss or Mr Hot Stuff tore around town in that car they didn't have to work for and what happened? They wrecked it of course (as is the fate of nearly all first cars) and of course mommy and daddy replaced the mangled scrap metal with a shiny new toy immediately, so as not to upset their "poor baby." Well I don't know about you, but in my personal experience, when I wrecked my first $400 clunker I was hitchin a ride until I got a second clunker about a year later.

I understand that parents want to give their children all the things they didn't have but when you simply hand it all over, what message does that send? Answer: You can have anything you want without having to work for it. All that does is set the child up for failure. The "real world" isn't like that at all... or is it?

I'm not trying to be holier-than-thou or say that I don't partake in any of the instant gratifications offered by our society. And sure, I'm guilty of not always having self-discipline, just like everyone else. What I am saying is that we need to take a look in the mirror from time to time. We need to exercise our self discipline and independence instead of simply accepting the fact that we're allowing ourselves (and our country) to become slaves to debt, dependent on others for everything and unappreciative of what we have because we didn't have to work for it.

So as a new year approaches, I ask you, are you going to spend this year exercising your self discipline? Are you willing to put in the hard work to make yourself independent and self-sufficient? Will you deny yourself some of the instant gratifications in order to revel in the pride of having achieved a goal? Whether your goal is related to health, money, career, religion, politics, whatever, you must be willing to have self discipline. If it all seems too overwhelming or too large, start small. Start by not hitting snooze, not eating that chocolate, not buying that toy you really can't afford. Control yourself. After all, you're not a child.