My BFF

Me and Shiyrah celebrating my 24th birthday in 2010

I have the best best friend in the whole wide world (wuh-uhld). Seriously. Now I know what you're thinking, "I don't know Karen, my best friend is pretty awesome..." Nope. I win. You're welcome.

Shiyrah and I just celebrated our 11th frienniversary on March 13th. Frienniversary you say? I did say! Frienniversary is the best dang portmanteau I've come up with! Btw, I need to copyright that word! How do I do that? Copyright a word? "HEY EVERYBODY! I'M COPYRIGHTING THIS WORD! I COINED IT! MADE IT UP!" Good enough? Eh. Sure. Anyway, I digress. The word I made up is simple enough to understand (I should hope) but in case any of you need a little help, frienniversary = friendship anniversary. YAY!

Those of you who know me well enough know that last year on our 10th frienniversary we exchanged rings. Cheesy, sure. Again, I like cheese. Seriously though, it's a big deal. Not many girls can say that they've been best friends with the same girl since they were 14. (Granted some are lucky enough to have the same best friend for even longer.)

Shiyrah and I are so close though, I don't know if the term "best friend" is enough to describe it. We've been through hell together and helped each other out when we were stuck in our own personal hells at different times. We've been through breakups, ex fiances, new adventures, truck loads of tears, countless bellyaches from laughter, her wedding, my travels, the joy of getting new dogs, the frustration of family issues, and the list goes on and on. And there have been a couple times when we almost stopped being friends. Thank God we had the good sense to hold onto each other.

Those of you who know me well enough also know that for the past couple years Shiyrah and I have had a standing date each week. We call it girls' night, but really it's usually just best friend night since most of the time it's just us two. Tonight was one of the best girls' nights. We ate dinner at her place then went to see the movie Tangled (which by the way is one of my new faaavorite movies!!! I MUST OWN IT WHEN IT COMES OUT ON DVD! AGH! ADORABLE!! Again, I digress). As much as we adored the movie though, the best part of the evening was the end.

As we often do, Shiyrah and I sat out on her front porch swing talking the hours away. Seriously, I left her place at midnight:30. That's super late for us, she wakes up early. I've always loved my talks with Shiyrah. Some of my best memories of us are our late night talks; staying the night at her house in high school, talking till we were delirious and she would start answering me in her head and not out loud, or when we lived together in college and I would hop into her super comfy bed and she would tell me to quiet my mind as I tried to sort out my jumbled up thoughts, oh yeah! and the time I had to keep talking to her to keep her awake while she drove us back to her house really late one night in high school! :) OH! OH! And when she moved into my dorm room (Merlini for life!) and we had light saber fights with our cell phones!!!

Tonight we talked about a lot. We talked about how we met at the Cheney Baptist Church youth group when we were young and naive, how we were inseparable and so alike. Back then it seemed like we were one person in two bodies, on the same path in so many ways. And through the years we've both grown and changed so much. In some ways, we're still that one person in two bodies (mostly when it comes to the combustion of our goofy, silly, off the wall energy) but we are so different in many other ways. Shiyrah is more grounded, I'm a floating free spirit. She's settled down and ready to start a family, it'll be amazing if I'm married by the time I'm 30. She's conservative, I'm liberal, etc etc etc. Although our paths are no longer one, they will always intermingle.

I'm so lucky to have Shiyrah. She is my friend for life. I know that no matter what happens, we will always be there for each other. I used to think "Man, I've got to get out of Wichita some day," but honestly, settling down here wouldn't be bad at all. Life can't be bad when I've got such an amazingly kind and generous person to hang around. And if I never end up getting married or having kids, I'll just build my house next to hers and be her nanny and help her raise her kids. :)

I'll end this post by saying that I hope those of you reading this are lucky enough to have a friendship that you hold so dear that you would do anything to keep it going, that you have someone who you know will be there for you no matter what, someone to share your secrets, your pain and your joy with. Make sure that you let that person know how valuable they are to you.

I'd like to say thank you to all of my friends. I am extremely thankful for the many wonderful people who have blessed me with their friendship, trust and love. You are shining lights in a world full of darkness and you fill my life with happiness. My sister Loralie, you are so much more to me than a sister, I love you more than I can say. My dad Marvin, I have so much respect and love for you. You were so strong when so many others would have fallen apart. My godmother Sally, all I can say without crying is thank you for raising me, you'll always be my 2nd mommy.

Kenzie, Desi, Candis, Geoff, Katie Anne, Brianna (my honey bee), Amanda, Liz Tiede, Rachel, Phil, Ellie, Niomi, Greg, Abby, Hannah, Sonja, Lynda, Holly, Teresa, Allie, Shane, Amy, Beth, Jake Seymore, Jon Staab, Maggie, Lynnsee, Maryann, Mike Massions, Nelson, Prakriti, Sarah, Stacy, Janet, all my family in Australia, my Canadian friend Daniella... the list goes on and on...

Even if we aren't the closest of friends at this moment, you have made an impact on my life, especially if I listed you specifically but even if I didn't. Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, whether it's just for a chapter or two or the whole story. Love with all your heart and embrace those who are in it. I love you.

Change of Mind

This is what I'm looking at. :) My dog is so adorable.

Sophie always looks at me so expectantly when she wants to play

I'm looking at this when I should probably be looking at the back of my eyelids (which is what Sophie decided to do shortly after I took this picture). Tomorrow's going to be busy. Therapy in the morning, followed by a session with a personal trainer, followed by a jam session with Sam, followed by an oil change, washing dishes, doing laundry, paying bills, taking Sophie for a walk, planting my herb garden and getting out my spring wardrobe... assuming I have time for all of that! Hahaha!

Man, time flies! There's always so much to do and never enough time. I suppose that's just life. We never have as much time as we'd like; We're born, grow up, learn some stuff, do some things, love, laugh, cry, and before we know it, it's over. All we can do is try and fit in enough time for the things that are most important to us.

I love this journey I've been on. I would say that my life is pretty phenomenal. True, I haven't always thought so, it's hard to stay positive during those times when life shakes your world and throws you around. It's the true test of character though when you can still appreciate those times. I'm learning so much about myself and discovering who I am one chapter at a time and it's fun to see it all unfold. "Hello there Karen! I can't believe I've known you my whole life and am still learning new things about you!" (Random thought: Brrrr. My feet are cold.)

It's also fascinating to see how much I've grown and changed. There was a time when I was insecure. There was a time when I lost myself. There was a time when I was immature, close-minded, super conservative and naive. All of these times served their purpose and all of these times have built my past. And there will undoubtedly come a time in the future when I look back and again say, "My! How I've changed!" The greatest tragedy is stagnation, so I'm working to build my present and my future.

The human mind is such a fascinating thing. It is far more powerful than most give it credit for. To change your mind is to change your world. Think about that, you can't deny it's validity. Athletes often talk about visualization. I heard an interview with Nastia Liukin shortly after she became the 2008 Olympic individual all-around champion. The interviewer asked her if she had been nervous the day she won. She responded by saying that she hadn't been nervous at all because in her mind she had already performed her routine perfectly and dreamt she had already won. She didn't have to worry about perfection because she'd already seen herself achieve it.

How have I changed my world by changing my mind? Ever since I was little I came to the conclusion that there are 2 types of people in this world, victims and survivors, and I was determined to always be a survivor. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance, become defeated and give up. Sure, there are times when I've been weakened, but I've always managed to pull myself up. (Often with the help of wonderful, loving friends and family.)

We all possess the power we need, some simply choose not to use that power. Want to loose weight? You don't need some fad diet. I lost a little extra junk in the trunk just by eating healthier, eating smaller proportions, planning out my meals and runnin around with the cute pup above. Want to be more successful at work? Try harder. Get rid of the defeated, negative attitude you've been carrying around and smile. Simply smile. It'll make others smile back and you'll be amazed by the difference such a tiny thing can make.

Love, positivity, happiness, it all comes from within and it's the best gift you can give yourself. So why hold back? Open your mind, turn your mind to what you want and really focus. Pay attention to your thoughts and get rid of all the negative, the anger, the sadness. Just choose not to focus on those things. It's a choice. I hope that you'll take what I've said to heart and to mind. Change your mind and change your world.

I love knowing myself. I am happy-go-lucky, I am passionate and caring, and I am full of peace and joy. Practice being who you want to be, next thing you know it'll be habit.

Are We Living the Life?

Martin Sexton - Living the Life

I love this song so much. Listen to it. Pay attention to the lyrics.

What stops us from living the life we want? Bills? Children? Bad relationships? Us. It's us. We do it to ourselves. We make our choices. The rest are just excuses. We all make excuses (though some people are worse offenders than others). I try not to make excuses. I hate excuses.

A friend of mine recently quit her job at a bank. She hated it. She couldn't stand the thought of working there one more day so she went in and quit. She took a risk. She quit her job without having another one lined up. It takes guts to do that. I did it once. It's scary because you're not sure how long it'll take to find something else but it's freeing at the same time. I'm so proud of her though. She's taking her happiness into her own hands, focusing on what she loves and what she wants.

So what's my excuse now? Am I living the life I want and if not what's stopping me? Like I said, we make our choices. Sometimes we need to choose change, to stop simply accepting the comfort of familiarity. I want a job with more regular hours. Making more money. Having the evenings free to make music, hang with friends, read books, go to mediation, yoga class, art class, whatever.

I need to choose change. I'm just not sure exactly where it's going to take me.

Awkwardness

Sometimes I feel so darn awkward. Webster defines "awkward" as lacking ease or grace, a lack of skill or expertness, causing embarrassment.

HAHAHA! Yes. That can most definitely be me. I embarrass myself at work often when I do/sing/say something crazy, forgetting that there are a lot of people in the store who don't know me and my anecdotes (though I think my coworkers are more embarrassed by my silliness than I am).

So when am I most awkward? Around men. In particular, men I like. Then again, who isn't awkward when they're around someone they like (at least to some degree)? There is currently one man that makes me nervously awkward at times. After all, nice, cute, smart guys are rare like unicorns and people aren't used to seeing unicorns up close, they only hear about them in stories. I bet most people would be awkward around unicorns at first. "Wow. Am I tripping on something? Is there really a unicorn in front of me? Sh-should I pet it? Is it okay to ride it? Dude, I can't stop staring, it's a friggin UNICORN! HOLY CRAP!" ... but I digress. Hopefully he isn't too aware of my awkwardness, though if he's reading this he is now at least. haha "Hi! I'm awkward!" Is it awkward that I'm talking about this on my blog? Sure. So why not write about it for everyone to see? It's less awkward if it's talked about, right? ......Right?

Awkward. Lacking ease, grace or expertness. I am slightly awkward when it comes to dating/seeing/talking to/whatever you want to call the first phase of "getting to know someone you like." Why? Lack of expertness mostly. I haven't been in a committed relationship in about 2 years. I haven't been on this bike in a while. Plus, the last two relationships I had were spent mostly apart since they were in the Army (dating guys in the Army was my first mistake lol). So it's been even longer since I've been in a "normal" relationship. Ya know, the kind where someone says, "I like you," then you go on dates, get to know each other by spending time together, finding out each others' likes/dislikes/beliefs/values/hopes/plans/dreams/all the stuff that makes you you and them them, taking things slow, doing things the right way, building a healthy foundation.

Yeah, been a while since I've done that. I lack expertness. I'm just hoping my awkwardness is an endearing quirk and not a bothersome discomfort. Meh. I am who I am. I over-think things (which lends to my awkwardness too). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm hopping back on the bike, trying not to wobble as I find my balance and find my footing. Bear with me as I make wide turns and fumble with the gears and my bike helmet slips down over my eyes, I'll get the hang of it, embrace my awkwardness and will slowly move along with more ease, grace and expertness.

The Winds of Change

You gotta love (or, uh, hate?) the Kansas weather. Just over a week ago we got a foot of snow and then we're hit with weather like the past couple days, nearly 70 degrees in the middle of February. What's the old saying? If you don't like the Kansas weather, wait a few days. Hmmm... I like that saying... Really it can be applied to so much. "If you don't like ________, wait a few days." Things change so quickly.

I can feel some changes coming and it makes me excited. I will start my career this year. Perhaps very soon if things go as I hope. So much has changed for me this past year already. For the first time in a long time I feel very certain of and comfortable in who I am. It's about time! I mean, I still don't have it all figured out, but I've come to understand that NO ONE will EVER have it all figured out. If you had everything figured out where would the fun be in life? There would be nothing left to learn. And the only certainty is that life is uncertain. Always.

I used to spend so much time planning for and worrying about the future. Yes, it's still good to have some plans, but I've learned to put flexibility in those plans and to accept that some of those plans may never happen. GOOD! Surprises are the spice of life. And sometimes it's good when things don't go according to plan. THANK GOD I did not end up marrying my ex-fiance as I had planned to. My life is so much better due to that plan falling through. I wasn't ready. I hadn't gotten to know myself enough yet.

Know thyself. Best quote. Thanks Socrates. (Btw, how many of you just read that as "So-crates?" lol Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Classic!)

Cheers to change. I welcome it happily and I hope you do too. How have you changed lately? How do you hope to change? I hope that we all take the change that comes our way and accept it. Even if it's a change that seems to be for the worse, there is always some good to come out of it, sometimes you just have to look really REALLY hard. Learn from every experience and embrace change.

The World is a Stage

**Started writing this a week ago**

And I need to get back up there. GOD! I MISS BEING ON STAGE!!! It's been just over 6 months since I've sung on stage. Half a year. After spending a year doing at least 4 gigs a month, sometimes as many as 10, these past 6 months have felt like a drought, a withdrawal. I need my fix. I need that escape.

Performing is the best high. It's such a rush. When I'm up on stage I don't think about anything but the music. All my worries, stress, annoyances, whatever, it all just disappears and gets lost in the mix. The bass pushes it all down. The treble soars up high and drowns out all the inner dialogue. Performing is my addiction, my release. All that bottled up rage, sadness, passion, it just explodes against my vocal chords. And it's the best feeling in the world.

I need a guitarist. Please God, send me a guitarist. One who will be able to translate what's in my head onto the fretboard.

**Current update**

What are the odds that just days after writing this I hear from a friend who is great at guitar? I went over to Carlos' house Friday night and we completed a song I started working on back in June. And it sounds great. Then on Monday I went to the open mic night at Blue Lounge and was back on stage for the first time in 6 months. Granted I only performed 4 songs, but it felt so great.

I needed these things to happen this week. Here's hoping this momentum keeps up.

Men and Dogs

I'm totally fine with being single. I actually really enjoy being single. It's fun going on dates occasionally, flirting, having only myself to worry about. But there are days, or sometimes just moments, when I find myself thinking how nice it would be to have someone.

Blah. I just need to get a dog. I have way too much stuff going on in my life right now anyway. I don't need or want a relationship right now. I just want a cuddle buddy. And that's impossible with men. Men can't just cuddle. Nope. Dogs can. Dogs cuddle up and fall asleep on the bed. They don't even expect you to rub their belly all night. They just want to be close to you and they won't complain about having to warm your cold feet, they do it gladly. They don't cause drama, put you down or cheat on you. Dogs aren't just man's best friend, dogs are a single woman's best friend. Therefore, I need a dog.

I don't need a boyfriend, just a dog. We can do fun things together, go for runs, play ball, take walks in the park, cuddle up and watch a movie, whatever I want to do. :) Sounds perfect. So with my 25th birthday approaching, a great gift idea for any of my friends would be money to buy me a lap dog. I need a cuddle puppy.