Outward Symbols of Internal Scars

Three and a half years ago I got my first tattoo. I had been planning on getting one for over 6 months and I finally got the money and courage to go for it. I ended up going into a tattoo shop on a Saturday since that was their day for walk-ins. It just so happened that the day I got my tattoo was my sister's birthday.

1st tattoo, by Dennis at Artist at Large

About two years ago I decided I wanted to get another one, something for my mum. I had planned to get it while I was visiting her family in Australia but it was a lot more expensive over there than in the U.S. so I waited. I got back to the states in February and started saving my money again. In April of last year I had the money and got my 2nd tattoo on my "little sister's" birthday, 2 days before my dad's birthday.

2nd tattoo, by Tom at Undisputed

I'm not sure how long I've been planning my 3rd tattoo... it's been at least 6 months. I never had the money so I waited. About a month and a half ago I got a promotion and my first thought was that I'd have the money for the tattoo I've been wanting. I happened to have a conversation with a friend who is a tattoo artist and decided I'd get it within a couple weeks... I got my 3rd tattoo yesterday, the day that would have been my mum's 60th birthday had she not died when I was a baby.

My mum, Richard-4, me-a little over a year, and Loralie-7

It's kind of cool that I've ended up getting each tattoo on a family member's birthday. I never really fully planned it, it's just kind of worked out that way, like it was meant to be. It makes the experience even more special.

I had told my friend Kevin at Hell Bomb that I wanted a tree with the roots spreading down around my ankle and a little bird flying away from it. I've always loved trees and birds. My therapist told me that the two are symbolically contradictory, that trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom and wandering. To me the two were perfectly complimentary. The tree is my stability, my safe place where I build my nest and go when the storms are raging, but I am a free-spirited bird that likes to fly away and wander around looking for adventure.

I also wanted the tattoo on my ankle because the ankles are your roots, the tree in a way represents my family tree, but also the tree of life. I've been fascinated with the idea of the tree of life since studying in Guatemala and exploring the Mayan pyramids of Tikal. In the forest surrounding the pyramids there are these huge, towering trees with the roots jutting up above the ground, sometimes the roots alone are up to 10 feet high. The Mayans called these the tree of life because they believed that the roots were the underworld coming up into our world and that the branches of the tree held up the sky. How beautiful.

Guatemala's National Tree, Mayan Tree of Life

I took a few pictures of trees that I liked to Kevin and told him that I wanted to see what he could come up with. When I went in for my appointment yesterday he showed me what he had designed and it was absolutely perfect. It's the first time that I've gotten a tattoo and been happy with the design right away, it didn't need any modification whatsoever. At first I had planned to just have one bird flying away from the tree but Kevin had drawn two birds... I instantly saw them as my mum and my brother who both died in 1987. I would say that this tattoo is everything I wanted, but it's more.

Kevin Wathke at Hell Bomb Tattoo, Wichita, KS

Right after I took the bandage off of my tattoo yesterday I promptly posted a picture to Facebook. I got a lot of comments but the one that stood out to me was, "I trust this is a very healing experience for you. The design is very clever, meaningful, and artful."


Here was my response: "Valerie, you nailed it on the head. Not many people think of it that way, but you're right. The last tattoo I got was also partially for my mum... Both times were like a meditation. I made myself embrace the pain, to simply feel it and react to it minimally because the pain that I experienced while getting my tattoos is nothing compared to the pain of loosing them... The pain of a needle creating art on my body is simply a collection of impulses being sent to my brain. The emotional pain, on the other hand, is something that I always carry with me. It's that pain that has made me stronger and has made me who I am today. For me, getting my last 2 tattoos wasn't simply about decoration and self expression like the first one; they're outward symbols of internal scars. Scars are a mark left by the healing of injured tissue, and when it heals that tissue is tougher. The same is true with the heart."

God I love this tattoo!

Lucky Me

Today was a long, stressful day at work. I wasn't feeling well and we were missing an employee. By the time I got home 8 hours later I was completely exhausted and my shoulders were in knots. Lucky for me, I was about to be well taken care of... Let me tell you why I'm such a lucky lady.

"Put your feet up and relax. Here's a pillow, want the remote? Unwind a bit, you deserve it."

Why, thank you! I propped my feet up, cuddled with the pillow and watched one of my favorite tv shows without interruption. After my show was over a bath was prepared. Wow! 10 candles lit up my bathroom and began to scent the darkened room with soothing vanilla and warm, rich red cherry. A few drops of lavender oil had also been put into the bath and my laptop was softly playing my Bon Iver Pandora station. Mmmmmm! All that was missing was a glass of wine.

I laid in the hot bath for nearly 30 minutes, letting the stress of the day melt away while beautiful music caressed my ears. The knots in my shoulders slowly began to unwind and loosen. I felt truly pampered.

When I got out of the bath I dried off, slipped into my pajamas and went into the living room. My legs, arms and neck were massaged with lotion and I was so grateful to have such a wonderfully relaxing evening.

By now you're probably wondering, "Who is this that's pampering Karen and treating her like a queen? Who is it that's so thoughtful and giving?" You really want to know, don't you? You're on the edge of your seat dying to know all the details, aren't you?

It's me. :) I'm so good to myself, aren't I? haha I'm so good at knowing when I just need to relax and I'm great at meeting my needs. It's like I can read my mind... ;)

No, I don't have a man. But who needs one when I treat myself so well?? HAHA! Sorry, I couldn't help myself, I really had fun leading you down that rabbit hole.

Blah.

Do you ever feel like you're searching for something but you have no idea what it is? You feel like something's missing but can't put your finger on it?

I'm getting restless... AGAIN. This seems to be happening more and more often. Usually I enjoy my job and working on my music and art but sometimes I'm still left feeling like something's missing... I'm still not sure what I want to be doing with my life and where I should be living. Sometimes I'm happy and content but other days I just want to jump out of my skin and disappear.

I was talking to a friend tonight who recently graduated and she was expressing the same distress that I've felt at different times over the past 2 years since I graduated; there are limitless possibilities in front of me, which is exciting and frightening at the same time. Sometimes all the options can be overwhelming and you wish someone else would just decide for you. Someone tell me which city would best suit me! Where can I live that has a temperate climate, great public transportation, city life with lots of live entertainment and access to the great outdoors so I can go hiking???

As far as my art and music are concerned, I feel like I'm in a giant rut right now. I can't sit down and write lyrics worth a shit, I'm so uninspired. I start working on an art piece and get frustrated and stop. I consider going out but I'm just tired of the same old scene. I'm tired of my short hair and I just want it to grow back out. I feel so... listless. Being an adult sucks.

Autopilot

I am so unorganized right now. My life has been pretty chaotic the past month. Right after getting promoted at work we had several people leave and one take a leave of absence. We've been so focused on covering each department that it's been tough to accomplish all the things that need to to be done. Every day when I go to work I have a list of things I want to get done that day... and I never finish the entire list. I have to simply prioritize and just get done what needs to be done first.

Then there's my free time. I'm so mentally drained by the time I get home that I just want to veg out and do nothing. My house is so unorganized. My art hasn't been touched much lately. My lyric book has been largely unopened... until last night.

My band Moulin Roulette has been on hold for about a month or more now since our drummer quit. Last night we worked with a new drummer. Success. We started 2 new songs. I need to get some momentum going and just keep riding it.

Do you ever feel like just tossing everything out the window and starting from scratch? I feel a bit like that right now. Just empty my closet of the vast majority of my clothes and hit the thrift stores. Clear out my fridge and give away most of the food then grow my own. Sometimes I want to do that to my cell phone too. Delete a metric f ton of numbers. Save the numbers of the people who call me and screw the rest.

I just want to clear out the clutter. Cut out the excess. Hit refresh.

I'm in an interesting mood today... I can't even quite put a name to it. I'm not unhappy or happy. I just am. In a way I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing yet at the same time I'm okay with it. I'm just going with the flow. Letting things happen as they will. Allowing the universe to place me where I should be. I kind of feel like I'm on autopilot. There's not much emotion right now honestly. And I'm okay with it. And when it gets to the point when I'm not okay with something, I'll change what I'm doing, redirect my course.