Karmic Cleanse

I've spent a lot of time thinking about karma lately... I don't care what religious beliefs you have, it's the same idea as "you reap what you sow," "you get what you give," "what goes around comes around," etc.

I've been meditating for almost 2 years now. I don't always go to guided meditations, sometimes it's as simple as focusing on my breathing to help me relax when I'm stressed at work or when I'm trying to fall asleep. What I've enjoyed the most from my guided mediation classes though would be the teachings about cultivating a spirit of loving kindness.

Have you ever sat down and thought about what kind of person you'd like people to remember you as? You know, things like, "If I were to die tomorrow, what would people have to say about me?" I've thought about it. I mean, my mum and brother both died before I turned 2, the fragility of life has always been something I've had a strong awareness of. So what do I want people to say about me when I'm gone? I want people to say that, above all, Karen was loving, happy and full of life.

"Flight of Freedom" acrylic painting I created in March

No matter how hard we try though, we aren't always loving creatures. Someone cuts us off in traffic, says hurtful things or annoys us and loving kindness goes out the window. I'm sure most of you have seen, or at least heard of the tv show My Name is Earl? I really like it. Earl has a list of people that he believes he has wronged, in turn creating bad karma. In order to create good karma for himself he revisits each person on the list in an attempt to make up for the wrong he's done in the past.

What a great concept! Sincere apology. Making amends. It can be so hard to do, especially when we feel as though we were justified when someone first wronged us. But what good is retaliation, eye for an eye? All it does it cause more suffering in the world.

I know that I have wronged others in the past and that I undoubtedly will do so again at times in the future. No one is perfect. To all who are reading this and all who are on my mind as I write this, if I have ever wronged you or caused you any pain whatsoever, I sincerely apologize. I ask that you please grant me forgiveness. I am imperfect and a work in progress.

I have grown and changed so much in the past 2 years and I attribute a lot of those changes to my meditation practices. I strive to be kind, patient, understanding and positive. I have learned to be mindful and more aware of my body, mind and surroundings. Most of all, I have become more peaceful. Yes, you'll still see me full of energy, bouncing around, singing songs and dancing, but I am more at ease within. I'm not as anxious or uptight as I once was and it feels so liberating! I feel like a bird flying towards the sun, full of light, love and life!

Harnessing My Energy

In certain aspects of my life it feels like I've got my shit together... but in other ways I feel like I'm a hot mess.

How do I have my shit together?
-I've got a good job
-Making money
-Great friends
-Healthy diet
-Good spirituality

How am I a hot mess?
-Men... not enough space here
-Need to get back into a workout routine
-Neglecting my music and art and writing
-House is a mess

Aaaaaand I'm up writing a blog post at 1:35 am. I'm not even really sure what I want to write about tonight. I always try to stay optimistic and positive but I'm tempted to vent tonight...

I work in a music store and I haven't even worked on my own music in months. I haven't painted anything in months. Why am I so uninspired? Is it laziness? Lack of time? Stress?

Maybe I expect too much out of myself. I have this crazy wild spirit that's so full of energy and that energy just pours out and sometimes it's hard to know where to direct it. It's like the churning, swirling rapids of a river rushing to the ocean, no longer wanting to be confined by the land around it, hurtling, tumbling forward, constantly in motion.

Lately I've been directing that energy towards work and tutoring Spanish but I'm the kind of person that can't just pour all my energy into one thing, I have to have all these different outlets. I mean, seriously! Here are things I do: sing, write songs, act (though unfortunately not in years), paint (I need to take an art class), model (and I use that term loosely... you could be a part-time model! if you get that reference, you rock.), yoga, own a dog, travel to different countries, speak Spanish, tutor Spanish, attempt to play guitar, piano or ukulele (though I need to effing practice!), go on dates, meditate, weekly girls' night with the bff, manage like a boss, dance Salsa (wish I could take dance lessons)....

Damn, I'm exhausted just reading that list. No wonder I'm a hot mess. I do so many effing things. Why? Jack of all trades, master of none. Why can't I just focus my energies onto a couple things and get really good at just one or two things? Why do I feel the need to do it all? Hell! I want to get into photography too! And take cooking classes! And read books! And volunteer for non-profits! And get a Bottle Bill passed into the Kansas legislature! And shop for amazing thrift store finds! And become a yoga instructor!

How do I find time for all these things? You can't, can you? But I want to. Why do I want to? It's crazy. I talk about how it would be nice to be in a relationship but honestly if I got a boyfriend the guy would probably only get to see me once a week.

I don't always know which way to turn but I'll just keep trying to find my way to the ocean. One of these days things will calm down but I can always sleep when I'm dead. Might as well enjoy all there is to enjoy in life while I can.