Going the Distance

I've been diagnosed. Over the past 4 months or so I've been going to counseling. A couple weeks ago I was diagnosed with a mild case of Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder marked by anxiety. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. No one really needs to know my personal plight, yet here I am, living in the age of over-sharing, a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, opening up my emotional baggage for the whole of the internet to see (though I'm sure not many actually read this).

Perhaps I'm telling you this because I know I'm not alone. I know that just because I've been diagnosed with something that is a "disorder," which according to it's definition is "abnormal," it doesn't make me that abnormal. Who's really normal anyway? If anything, I'm normal. It's normal for people who have endured the things I have to be affected by them. It's normal that sometimes the weight on one's shoulders becomes too much. Even the Greek god Atlas needed a break.

Things are slowly getting better though. Baby steps. I keep reminding myself I just need to take baby steps. Focus on one thing at a time. A huge step is behind me now. I'm finally out of the horrible living situation I found myself in. I told Brandi that I refused to be treated with such disrespect and I broke my lease. No more roommates. At least for quite some time. I need my own space. I need a safe haven, a space to myself where I feel zen, calm, relaxed.

I moved into my new duplex last Tuesday. It's only been a week and it already feels like home. It's perfect. And it's mine. All mine. It's amazing how suddenly and completely engulfed in freedom I felt the moment I had every last possession out of that house. My soul felt lighter, the sun broke through the clouds and I was filled with relief.

I've never known someone as mean-spirited, negative and hostile as my last roommate and as much as I wish I'd never lived with her, I know that having been through that was a life experience. I learned that no matter how understanding, compromising and patient you are, you can not change people. Your hope that someone will soften their heart will not be the thing to change their heart. Hope alone can not do that. People must want change for themselves. Though I agree that we must be the change we hope to see in the world, there are some people who are so stubbornly rigid and blind that no matter what you do, it will all fall upon deaf ears and closed eyes.

So you move on as I have. I can only worry about myself right now. I used to hate when people would say you can only worry about yourself, but sometimes it's true. I used to think that "only worrying about myself" meant I was being selfish. But I see the difference now. I will always care about others, I live a life of compassion, but it's a matter of putting on your own oxygen mask first. How can you help someone put their mask on if you've passed out from lack of oxygen? Help yourself to help others.

There are still changes that need to be made in my life and I'm trying to be patient with myself, with the process of baby steps instead of leaps... Btw, I love the band Cake. Random, I know. But I've been sitting here at the Vagabond and songs by them keep popping up and it just makes me smile. Going the Distance is currently playing. Nice.

I'm racing and pacing and plotting my course. Might take me a little while to get to where I want to be, but I'm going the distance. Cheesy, yes, but I love cheese. :)

I am a Contradiction

I love trees and birds. According to my counselor, trees symbolize stability and birds symbolize freedom. So I crave both??? A part of me wants stability, yes. I want a 9-5 job that pays well, I want to live in the same house for more than a year, I want a stable, healthy relationship with a man. The other part of me wants to just hit the road and tear off my rear-view mirror, live the life of a vagabond, float from place to place, go everywhere, see everything.

Right now I feel as though neither of these is an option. And that makes me depressed. I've been stuck living in purgatory for so long. I'm in no man's land. My social skills feel like they've flown out the window along with my decision making abilities.

I have to move out of the house I'm living in. My roommate is hostile and verbally abusive. I'm scared to have another roommate after Lizzie and this one. Two crazy roommates one after the other. Hell. So what are my options?
-Put my stuff in storage and float around from couch to couch
-Move in with a new roommate
-Get a place of my own
-Join the Air Force?

I don't know. Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me which direction to turn in. I can't make this decision right now.

Life is Short

Lately I've been needing this reminder. Life is short. I've been stressed out about my living situation; my lease isn't up for another 6 months and my roommate is hostile, passive aggressive and OCD. I've been so worried about the situation and it's been eating at me.

But life is short. In the next couple weeks I'll be out of the house and I can leave everything behind and I'll never (hopefully) have to see her again. As I was talking to a friend about the situation tonight I came to a realization. No one can ruin your day but you. Last night I went to the bars thinking, "she's making my life a living hell." Honestly though, my day is only ruined if I allow it to be.

Tonight at work I finally felt like myself again, goofy, silly, and just having fun. I was able to just let go. Let go and enjoy the moment I was in. *sigh* Why is it sometimes so hard to do something so simple? Why do we have to remind ourselves to enjoy life?

My mum died when she was 36. That's 12 years older than I currently am. What if I were to die when I turn 36? Will I be able to say I enjoyed life to the fullest or will I say, man, I should have spent less time worrying? After all, worries are just problems that haven't happened yet. And if it hasn't happened yet, it may not happen at all.

Yeah, things aren't ideal right now, they may never be. But at least I'm alive. I'm learning, growing, waking up and most importantly, I'm giving and receiving love. That's what life's all about. Love. So as much as I think my roommate is crazy, I try really hard to look through the eyes of love and see that she's hurting inside. She's not happy and she's simply projecting her anger onto me.

We simply have to remember that everyone is doing they best that they can, if they could do better, they would. Life is short. Don't worry, be happy. And as my favorite movie says, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."