Thankfulness

I cried in a McDonald's on Thanksgiving while sitting across from my dad. I knew today would be emotional. The holidays often are.

Today would have been my brother's 28th birthday. He didn't even get to celebrate his 5th birthday. And it was right around this time 23 years ago that my mother disappeared. I've been very aware of these anniversaries all week. Then today my dad said he wouldn't be joining my sister and I at our godparents' house for Thanksgiving lunch. I told him how much this upset me, that Loralie and I are his family and he should be with us, especially today. He said he didn't feel comfortable going and said he'd explain things to me when I got back into town.

I got back around 6pm and dad decided he'd take me to McDonald's for a smoothie while we talked things over. Everything came out. Everything. Everything on my end that is. I was a blubbering mess while my dad sat there silently as usual. I know that he tries to open up emotionally for me, and he did a little but it's just not part of my dad's character to talk in depth about emotions (which at times frustrates me to no end). But it's who he is, and when you love someone you have to learn to accept all the good as well as the bad.

It can be hard to accept our parents sometimes. When we're kids we imagine them to be unstoppable superheroes and it can be quite unsettling when flaws begin to become apparent. My dad is a good man. He's flawed, yes, but who isn't? We're all damaged in our own way. Everyone is doing the best that they can, if they could do better, they would.

Even though I wish I'd gotten more of a response out of my dad, I'm still happy with how the conversation went. I'm happy it happened at all. I can't always expect him to respond, but at least he listens. At least I have him. It was difficult growing up and experiencing all the losses that I did, but at least I still have him.

This Thanksgiving I'm so very thankful for my family. None of them are perfect, but they're mine and I love them. Every day we have in this life is a gift, all we can do is make the most of each moment.

Adulthood

Age is not the determining factor on adulthood. I have known plenty of 30+ men and women who are still children. Some people grow in age and not in maturity. I think that is one of the greatest tragedies, to go through life without growing intellectually, emotionally or spiritually.

I remember being a child and hearing people say to my dad, "She's so mature for her age." Many children who experience traumatic events grow up fast, they take on adult responsibilities and gain knowledge of the world in a way their peers do not understand. Even though I was "mature for my age" I still remember thinking how odd it felt to call myself a woman instead of a girl, something I don't think I did until I was probably 22. Medically, I'd already been a "woman" for 10 years but I remember thinking of that label as something so much more. There was no giant right of passage, no ceremonial initiation into womanhood, it was a slow emotional and intellectual transformation.

I feel myself becoming more of an adult lately, especially in the later half of this year. I see myself making better decisions and learning from my mistakes (learning more and learning quicker instead of having to make the same mistake a couple times before correcting it). I think of myself less and consider others more. I accept responsibility and am not afraid to admit when I'm wrong. I think these are the things it means to be an adult.

But don't worry, I still know how to look at the world through the eyes of a child full of wonder. ;)

Student of the World

We are the summation of our experiences and what we learn from them.

Another year is almost over. Where did 2010 go? It feels like I was just in Australia yesterday, discovering more about my dead mother, her past, my past, beginning a crazy journey of self discovery.

I remember having a conversation with a friend shortly before leaving the country at the end of 2009. We were talking about what we had learned that year. I failed to write it down then, so this year I will.

I have spent this year waking up in so many ways, waking up to my potential, my strength and my inner peace. I am learning to just breathe. Life is so short. Blink and a year's gone by. I'm through with selling myself short and accepting mediocrity over the greatness I'm capable of. I've learned to be okay with "alone." I've learned to look so much deeper into others' souls. I have learned the importance of balance.

Most importantly, this year I learned that it's okay that I miss my mum so much it hurts sometimes. Through counseling and reading the book "Motherless Daughters" I have learned that it is very common for women to re-experience the trauma of a mother's loss when they are going through transitional phases in their lives; graduating/beginning a new career, getting married, having children, etc. Mothers are our source of comfort, shelter and provision. We emulate our mothers. But how does a woman emulate someone who she never knew? I am learning to make myself. I am learning to let go, but not forget.

I have learned so much yet I know there is still so much left for me to learn. And it makes me so excited. :) I crave growth, knowledge, insight, understanding. I am eager to see who else will cross my path, who I will embrace and what I will learn from them. I refuse to stand still and become complacent. I am a constant work in progress and I love it.