Following My Dreams... Finally

I am happy to inform you that I have chosen a direction. I can now raise my sails and let the wind carry me to my destination. I feel so much lighter, free.

Photo taken by Hannah Erickson, edited by me

It's been a bit stressful getting to this point though. The past couple weeks have been pretty intense. I've been thinking for a while that I was going to quit working at Guitar Center and begin my career. I revamped my resume, I went to a Career Fair, I had a couple job interviews. But right before my last interview another door flew wide open...

I was working at Guitar Center on Saturday, April 2nd when the singer for Gooding (check out the band at http://www.goodingmusic.com/) came into the store with his friend Cassie Leigh from OKC. Long story short, Cassie and I quickly became friends that night at Gooding's concert at Rock Island Live. The following Tuesday Cassie texted me asking me to co-write a song with her... Later that evening while we were talking on the phone we decided to just go all out and start a band together. And so began the birth of our band, PayPer Doll.

Right from the get go Cassie and I started talking big, after all, we kind of had to if we plan to start doing gigs this summer. If we want to start gigging in June that means we only have 2 months to put together a 30 minute set list (about 6-8 songs). Plus, in order to make good money at gigs you need merch; CDs, shirts, etc. We immediately decided that we would make an EP (CD with 4-6 tracks). We knew we would have to make some quick decisions. Amazingly, all the pieces of the puzzle just started falling together perfectly. My friend Lindsey Bass had posted the picture below on Facebook several months ago. As soon as I saw it I thought it would be a great name for a girl band. When I suggested the name to Cassie she agreed that it was perfect, especially given the meaning behind it.

Designed by Lindsey Bass

Lindsey had told me that she came up with the idea accidentally but the more she looked at it the more she loved it. To her it represented the price of society's view of beauty. So many people get plastic surgery or struggle with eating disorders in order to be "beautiful" and they pay for that beauty with their health. To me and Cassie it also represented the idea of breaking away from the mold and being comfortable in your own skin, your own beauty, being a strong, confident woman. We then decided that the name of our EP will be "Brutal and Beautiful." Sometimes you just have to be brutally honest, especially with yourself. You need to stop and think about how you talk to yourself. And if you aren't telling yourself you're beautiful, you need to start. The brutal and beautiful woman will not compromise herself, her values, beliefs or needs. She is strong and will not waste her time on something that doesn't make her happy.

Wow. Just look at how much I can sit here and talk about this band... I sat at home one night last week thinking about this... I had been interviewed for a great job and I wasn't even thinking about it; all I could think about was the music, my passion and my dreams...

I struggled. For about 2 weeks. I struggled so much internally. I've always been the dreamer, I follow my emotions. People have sometimes told me that I need to be more practical, more logical and I was trying very hard to balance these two sides. I was on the phone with my friend Sonja and I said, "I need you to tell me to either follow my dreams or to be practical." Unfortunately only I can make that decision and I was so afraid I would make the wrong decision... Take a good paying job with stability or go with the unknown as I follow my dreams... I started to doubt myself. I started wondering if I was really good enough. I started to fear the possibility of failure...

Then one day I made my decision. I wasn't going to let fear hold me back. I refused to let doubt spread like a cancer throughout my mind. One word made all the difference, sacrifice. My friend Jarae wrote a note about being a dreamer and the word that caught my attention was sacrifice. We must make sacrifices in order to pursue our passions. I just had to ask myself what I was willing to sacrifice. Which path would I regret NOT taking?

And my answer was right in front of me. Music. I cannot, will not, must not sacrifice my music. Music is so much a part of who I am. It comes from my heart, my soul. It brings me to life.

So my decision is to stay at Guitar Center for now. It gives me the flexibility I need to pursue my music. Things are happening so incredibly fast for PayPer Doll. We spent this entire weekend working on music. We already have our track list put together for the EP. Two songs are very nearly done, the other 4 are started and just need more lyrics. Cassie and I work so well together, it's simply amazing. We accomplished far more than either of us expected over the weekend.

Photo by Desi Conner

I'm so deliriously, incredibly, indescribably excited/eager/overjoyed! Big things are going to happen, I can feel it. I am so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive friends and family. I know some people may want to tell me to be more practical, but them holding their tongues and simply finding joy in my happiness is the greatest gift. This is my one and only life. I am going to live it how I want.

The most important thing is that we live before we're dead.

Thank you to everyone for your support and for sharing in my joy. :) I love you.

Men and Dogs: Part 2

Just over 2 months ago I wrote a blog "Men and Dogs" stating that I don't need a man, just a cuddle puppy to be my companion. Coincidentally, just a couple days after posting that I was asked out on a date by a friend. Then a month later I got my dog Sophie. I spent some time seeing that guy and recently decided we're simply destined for friendship. Which is great, he's a really nice guy and fun to be around and we've got lots of mutual friends. And as I mentioned in that previous post I don't need a man, it's just nice to have someone sometimes.

And now my someone is Sophie. One of my friends had commented on "Men and Dogs" saying that dogs aren't always all they're cracked up to be. Basically, his point was that dogs, while great, are no substitute for a romantic relationship. I understand his point, but the point I was trying to make is, yeah, I'd love to find a great relationship some day, but I'm in no hurry and, for now, my little dog will suffice. (Not to mention all the wonderful friends I've been blessed with.)

I really love this little dog. :) She is such a wonderful companion. Yes, there are times when she has a bit more energy than I'm in the mood for and she's super alert, making sure I'm aware of any potential dangers, even if it's in the middle of the night, but for each tiny annoyance she may cause me she more than makes up for it. I love that she's always excited to see me and shower me with kisses. I love that she cuddles up behind my legs when it's time for bed. She's so friendly to everyone she meets and she's oh so precious. She doesn't shed or slobber and she listens pretty well (for the most part).

Out for a drive with the windows down (right before she kissed me)

Today Sophie and I are taking full advantage of the beautiful weather. It's so warm and windy and all the trees on my street are in full blossom. As soon as I walk out my front door I'm greeted with the sweet scent of the white flowers on the tree in my front yard. I bet Sophie loves the smell too. This morning we went for a drive with the windows down then went for a walk around the neighborhood. Soon we'll be going to my friend Sonja's house so Sophie can meet her poodle Jordi and we might go to my sister's tonight too where Sophie will meet Lilly the boxer.

So for now it's just me and Miss Sophie. True, cuddling with her isn't the same as being held by a man but I'm content with things as they are.