Sometimes I feel so darn awkward. Webster defines "awkward" as lacking ease or grace, a lack of skill or expertness, causing embarrassment.
HAHAHA! Yes. That can most definitely be me. I embarrass myself at work often when I do/sing/say something crazy, forgetting that there are a lot of people in the store who don't know me and my anecdotes (though I think my coworkers are more embarrassed by my silliness than I am).
So when am I most awkward? Around men. In particular, men I like. Then again, who isn't awkward when they're around someone they like (at least to some degree)? There is currently one man that makes me nervously awkward at times. After all, nice, cute, smart guys are rare like unicorns and people aren't used to seeing unicorns up close, they only hear about them in stories. I bet most people would be awkward around unicorns at first. "Wow. Am I tripping on something? Is there really a unicorn in front of me? Sh-should I pet it? Is it okay to ride it? Dude, I can't stop staring, it's a friggin UNICORN! HOLY CRAP!" ... but I digress. Hopefully he isn't too aware of my awkwardness, though if he's reading this he is now at least. haha "Hi! I'm awkward!" Is it awkward that I'm talking about this on my blog? Sure. So why not write about it for everyone to see? It's less awkward if it's talked about, right? ......Right?
Awkward. Lacking ease, grace or expertness. I am slightly awkward when it comes to dating/seeing/talking to/whatever you want to call the first phase of "getting to know someone you like." Why? Lack of expertness mostly. I haven't been in a committed relationship in about 2 years. I haven't been on this bike in a while. Plus, the last two relationships I had were spent mostly apart since they were in the Army (dating guys in the Army was my first mistake lol). So it's been even longer since I've been in a "normal" relationship. Ya know, the kind where someone says, "I like you," then you go on dates, get to know each other by spending time together, finding out each others' likes/dislikes/beliefs/values/hopes/plans/dreams/all the stuff that makes you you and them them, taking things slow, doing things the right way, building a healthy foundation.
Yeah, been a while since I've done that. I lack expertness. I'm just hoping my awkwardness is an endearing quirk and not a bothersome discomfort. Meh. I am who I am. I over-think things (which lends to my awkwardness too). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm hopping back on the bike, trying not to wobble as I find my balance and find my footing. Bear with me as I make wide turns and fumble with the gears and my bike helmet slips down over my eyes, I'll get the hang of it, embrace my awkwardness and will slowly move along with more ease, grace and expertness.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Winds of Change
You gotta love (or, uh, hate?) the Kansas weather. Just over a week ago we got a foot of snow and then we're hit with weather like the past couple days, nearly 70 degrees in the middle of February. What's the old saying? If you don't like the Kansas weather, wait a few days. Hmmm... I like that saying... Really it can be applied to so much. "If you don't like ________, wait a few days." Things change so quickly.
I can feel some changes coming and it makes me excited. I will start my career this year. Perhaps very soon if things go as I hope. So much has changed for me this past year already. For the first time in a long time I feel very certain of and comfortable in who I am. It's about time! I mean, I still don't have it all figured out, but I've come to understand that NO ONE will EVER have it all figured out. If you had everything figured out where would the fun be in life? There would be nothing left to learn. And the only certainty is that life is uncertain. Always.
I used to spend so much time planning for and worrying about the future. Yes, it's still good to have some plans, but I've learned to put flexibility in those plans and to accept that some of those plans may never happen. GOOD! Surprises are the spice of life. And sometimes it's good when things don't go according to plan. THANK GOD I did not end up marrying my ex-fiance as I had planned to. My life is so much better due to that plan falling through. I wasn't ready. I hadn't gotten to know myself enough yet.
Know thyself. Best quote. Thanks Socrates. (Btw, how many of you just read that as "So-crates?" lol Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Classic!)
Cheers to change. I welcome it happily and I hope you do too. How have you changed lately? How do you hope to change? I hope that we all take the change that comes our way and accept it. Even if it's a change that seems to be for the worse, there is always some good to come out of it, sometimes you just have to look really REALLY hard. Learn from every experience and embrace change.
I can feel some changes coming and it makes me excited. I will start my career this year. Perhaps very soon if things go as I hope. So much has changed for me this past year already. For the first time in a long time I feel very certain of and comfortable in who I am. It's about time! I mean, I still don't have it all figured out, but I've come to understand that NO ONE will EVER have it all figured out. If you had everything figured out where would the fun be in life? There would be nothing left to learn. And the only certainty is that life is uncertain. Always.
I used to spend so much time planning for and worrying about the future. Yes, it's still good to have some plans, but I've learned to put flexibility in those plans and to accept that some of those plans may never happen. GOOD! Surprises are the spice of life. And sometimes it's good when things don't go according to plan. THANK GOD I did not end up marrying my ex-fiance as I had planned to. My life is so much better due to that plan falling through. I wasn't ready. I hadn't gotten to know myself enough yet.
Know thyself. Best quote. Thanks Socrates. (Btw, how many of you just read that as "So-crates?" lol Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Classic!)
Cheers to change. I welcome it happily and I hope you do too. How have you changed lately? How do you hope to change? I hope that we all take the change that comes our way and accept it. Even if it's a change that seems to be for the worse, there is always some good to come out of it, sometimes you just have to look really REALLY hard. Learn from every experience and embrace change.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The World is a Stage
**Started writing this a week ago**
And I need to get back up there. GOD! I MISS BEING ON STAGE!!! It's been just over 6 months since I've sung on stage. Half a year. After spending a year doing at least 4 gigs a month, sometimes as many as 10, these past 6 months have felt like a drought, a withdrawal. I need my fix. I need that escape.
Performing is the best high. It's such a rush. When I'm up on stage I don't think about anything but the music. All my worries, stress, annoyances, whatever, it all just disappears and gets lost in the mix. The bass pushes it all down. The treble soars up high and drowns out all the inner dialogue. Performing is my addiction, my release. All that bottled up rage, sadness, passion, it just explodes against my vocal chords. And it's the best feeling in the world.
I need a guitarist. Please God, send me a guitarist. One who will be able to translate what's in my head onto the fretboard.
**Current update**
What are the odds that just days after writing this I hear from a friend who is great at guitar? I went over to Carlos' house Friday night and we completed a song I started working on back in June. And it sounds great. Then on Monday I went to the open mic night at Blue Lounge and was back on stage for the first time in 6 months. Granted I only performed 4 songs, but it felt so great.
I needed these things to happen this week. Here's hoping this momentum keeps up.
And I need to get back up there. GOD! I MISS BEING ON STAGE!!! It's been just over 6 months since I've sung on stage. Half a year. After spending a year doing at least 4 gigs a month, sometimes as many as 10, these past 6 months have felt like a drought, a withdrawal. I need my fix. I need that escape.
Performing is the best high. It's such a rush. When I'm up on stage I don't think about anything but the music. All my worries, stress, annoyances, whatever, it all just disappears and gets lost in the mix. The bass pushes it all down. The treble soars up high and drowns out all the inner dialogue. Performing is my addiction, my release. All that bottled up rage, sadness, passion, it just explodes against my vocal chords. And it's the best feeling in the world.
I need a guitarist. Please God, send me a guitarist. One who will be able to translate what's in my head onto the fretboard.
**Current update**
What are the odds that just days after writing this I hear from a friend who is great at guitar? I went over to Carlos' house Friday night and we completed a song I started working on back in June. And it sounds great. Then on Monday I went to the open mic night at Blue Lounge and was back on stage for the first time in 6 months. Granted I only performed 4 songs, but it felt so great.
I needed these things to happen this week. Here's hoping this momentum keeps up.
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